Stop Giving Terrible Advice

Recognizing when you're delivering bad advice is half the battle. While you may believe that your advice is sound and that the recipient should follow it, not all advice is applicable to every person and in every situation. Before you start to pontificate on why your best friend should dump her husband/lose weight/raise the kids differently/choose a different college major and so forth, carefully consider what you're saying and how your opinion could impact on another person’s life.

Steps

  1. Spot when you're giving advice based on personal beliefs or opinions. Everyone has his or her own allegiance to a certain belief system. Whether it’s political or religious, it’s best to keep those beliefs private and not project them onto others in the form of “advice.”
    • Avoid suggesting that people fix issues based on your own set of religious or political beliefs. Both highly sensitive subjects, even people who are within your same belief system may differ on certain topics and subjects or the extent to which these should guide actions and decisions. Instead of making a blanket statement based on personal beliefs, stop and consider that your friend or family member could believe something entirely different––and aim to be accommodating to his or her beliefs.
  2. Decide if you're just telling someone only what he or she wants to hear. Are you trying to “get in good” with someone and only giving them advice based on what you think they want to hear? Massaging someone’s ego disguised in the form of advice can be hazardous and can have grave consequences, especially if you're not really thinking through the consequences of the agreement. Another reason for doing this may be that you simply want the issue to be over and done with so that you can get out of there––this too shows a lack of sensitivity to the nuances of the matter and the need to carefully judge the situation.
    • Are you being supportive of someone’s bad decisions and/or backing them up with additional suggestions? In the case of numerous celebrity deaths, people like Michael Jackson and Anna Nicole Smith allegedly had close confidants who, in order to remain in the inner circle, would help them obtain substances that ultimately contributed to their death. Going along with what someone prefers can simply be enabling them to continue with bad behaviors that harm them. Sometimes you have to be tough and disagree, just to be ultimately kind to them.
    • Could you be falling for the blame game by going along with this person's wish to blame others for failure instead of telling them that maybe they need to take responsibility and actually learn from this incident how to improve? Blaming someone else for failure is easy and may make you seem supportive initially because it bolsters the anger or frustration of the person you're comforting. However, doing so will only prevent your friend, family member or colleague from avoiding the same error in the future and it won't call attention to their own responsibility for whatever has happened to them. Be very careful of falling into this trap of bad advice, especially if you're prone to making quick judgments and jumping to conclusions.
    • Have you ever felt that you've been in a situation where you've been intimidated by the source seeking your advice and you felt the need to provide information based on what you thought they wanted to hear just so that you could stay safe or unharmed? Infamous leaders, managers, bosses, parents and even celebrities can present a powerful front to others, which can leave some hangers-on feeling intimidated and afraid to “tell it like it is.” This is the famous "yes-man" or "yes-woman" problem, when someone in a position of authority is only ever told "yes" when they need honest, forthright advice. Review this if it's happened to you and determine not to fall into this trap again.
    • Are you giving advice based on what you need to say just to get your work done? Sometimes, when you stop caring about the job you're doing, you go along with everything just because you've fallen into a rut and have no more engagement with it. In this case, your advice is probably a cross between being a yes-person and a supporter of the either blaming someone else or going along with "how it's always being done", not caring that the old ways no longer work. It's not helpful to anyone and while you might be playing it safe enough to stay under the radar (unless the company goes bust), you may stay in that rut of and experience a very unfulfilling career.
  3. Avoid advising someone to do something simply because it benefits you. Don’t cross sell a product or service simply for personal or financial gain. This can happen with home sales products or home business pyramid companies. For example, you have a friend who suffers from painful, chronic dry skin. While perhaps visiting a dermatologist (an expert) could be decent advice, folks who give advice based on personal gain might tell their pal to simply purchase a jar of special cream they're peddling, disregarding what might really be causing the person's skin problems (which could include a serious underlying medical condition). Although you may firmly believe in the product, you may have other motives (whether you realize it or not) for advising your friend in just such a case.
    • It can be fun to sell things like makeup, lingerie and party items from home. Just don't be pushy––sell the benefits generally, don't use your personal knowledge of friends and neighbors to force a decision upon them through tailored advice.
  4. Avoid speaking on topics you know nothing about. Some folks believe they are oracles of information, making rash judgments on nearly any topic. Others are self-anointed layperson experts on the law, medicine, engineering, you-name-it, professing to know the answers because they picked up a random book and read it, or watched a show on the topic and think they know it all. Remember that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, especially when it comes to professional information––there is good reason people spend years in training and professionally trained people are always aware of gray areas, nuances and traps, which a layperson (someone not trained in the field) may simply miss through having a superficial understanding.
    • How credible is your advice? Your advice must be based on experience and expertise. If you have neither, don't open your mouth about the matter.
    • Reading it in a women's or men's magazine or seeing it on TV does not make it a truth. Magazines and TV shows give snippets of current information as the journalist interpreting the information sees fit. A lot is left out, a lot is tailored to the ideas of the day and much of it is sensationalized (never let the truth get in the way of a good story). Tomorrow the data may be proven wrong but you might be stuck believing what you read or saw in 1992 just because you didn't see the update. Don't be tempted to view popularized medical/legal/financial, etc., information as a reason to start dispensing it yourself.
    • Winging advice can alienate you from others because they will soon realize you're clueless or that you're cobbling together some correct assumptions and many incorrect ones.
    • You risk losing credibility in the eyes of friends or colleagues when you play "I'm an expert" at something you're clearly not expert at. Perhaps at first people will believe you, but after a short while, your cover will be blown when time and again your advice is disproved.
    • Realize that even experts know when to say "I don't know" and to acknowledge the limits of their opining or advising. If you want to add your two cents, back it up with a disclaimer. Let people know you really don’t know what you're talking about, but since you were asked for an opinion, this is where you stand based on what you do know. Be sure people understand that you have no personal experience or educational background on the matter, but that you're speaking from your gut.
  5. Avoid acting omnipotent and insisting you're an expert over a friend or family member’s life. Don't assume you know what's right or good for them, especially not based on bad experiences in your own life (even worse if your bad experiences have resulted in you not living a fulfilled life). Don't be the type of person who will explain how to discipline a toddler even though you've never been around or had children, smugly insisting that the recipient of the advice is being blind or even dull about something that is “so easy” to accomplish.
    • Pull back when you think you see a very clear-cut, easy solution but haven’t walked a day in the other person’s shoes. It’s like the non smoker telling the smoker to “just stop smoking!” You don't know how hard anything is for another person unless you've either experienced the full extent yourself or you've spend time truly witnessing what they're going through.
    • Reconsider doling out “expert” advice unless you’ve been asked and have been in the exact same position. However, instead of just telling the other person the “way it is”, it is far more likely to be of use to the other person if the advice you give is couched within the terms of your story. Start by saying that you empathize with what the other person is dealing with and explain what you did in a similar situation. Make it clear that you have absolutely no expectations of them doing the same thing though, unless that's what feels right for them.
    • If you don't have a child but you love dispensing advice that begins with "When I have a child I won't [insert whatever you perceive that the current parent is doing wrong]," then start learning humility. Ask any parent about their expectations pre- and post-child. It's like chalk and cheese, as everything they were certain about is turned upside down by reality! It is hard enough raising children without receiving bad advice––restrain yourself from this point on.
  6. Tread on eggshells when tempted to give relationship advice. It's only natural that you want to shore up your friend's or family member's self-esteem when relationship woes hit them but be very careful as to how far you go about advising them. Telling them to divorce or leave someone is really heavy (and unwanted) advice and it is not usually your place to make such a life-changing suggestion. Be tactful and ask questions about their happiness, fears, concerns, sense of direction, etc., and listen to their explanations rather than put ideas into their head. Simply by giving them a talking space to work through their feelings out loud without judgment may be the best way you can advise a person who has relationship problems. And if you don't think this, think back to times when people gave you relationship advice that you wished you'd never heeded––it's the sense of not owning or reaching your own decision that tends to live on and may well distance the decision-maker from feeling secure about ever being able to make the right choices.
  7. Don’t give unsolicited advice. Every situation does not require advice, so understand that when someone does not ask for your advice, they usually don’t want it. Unfortunately, if you cannot distinguish between simply being supportive versus jumping in with hordes of advice because you believe the friend/colleague wants you to fix his/her problem, you risk overwhelming them and muddying the problem even more.
    • Understand that you don’t need to weigh in on every matter and topic surrounding your friends, colleague or family’s life. Every matter in life is not ripe for judgment, so understand when a friend is venting, he or she may just want to blow off steam to a caring friend and not hear about how to resolve or fix it.
  8. Be silent. Listen, listen, listen. Most people have already decided somewhere deep down what is they're going to do about any given situation, problem or decision that they're apparently wanting advice about, even when they haven't owned up to this consciously yet. You're a sounding board or a feedback mechanism, and just letting them air their story or concerns and listening without judgment is often the best way to avoid giving bad advice. In many cases, the person will make up their own mind what to do regardless of your offerings. In summary, the two simple ways to work around the trap of bad advice are:
    1. Listen and only give advice if asked.
    2. Don't expect your advice to be followed. Realize that they'll decide what it is they do or don't want to do and if they want to change things.

Tips

  • Never tell someone that if they don’t take your advice, things will not work out well for them. Even in similar situations, never insist the other person follow your plan––even in situations that closely resemble each other, surrounding circumstances and personality traits may vary considerably and you can't foretell the outcome of many life trajectories.
  • This is a winning disclaimer. "I know sometimes if I get advice that's not practical, an idea that I can use comes up when I'm trying to explain why it didn't work. I won't be offended if you reject any or all of my suggestions. This is just a brainstorm."
  • Avoid giving advice that requires a person to outlay a lot of resources such as money, time, effort, etc. unless you are truly an expert. Do you really know that that investment is a sure thing? Are you absolutely certain that a year of hard work on one single thing will result in the outcome that person seeks?
  • Be aware that what's easy to you might be difficult to impossible for others. What's affordable to you may be cutting into their rent or food budget. What's comfortable for you might be terrifying to someone else. Don't ever say "Anyone can do it." That simply isn't true.
  • Talk about both the Pro and Con of anything you're suggesting, that leaves the advice receiver a graceful way to refuse. They might hate the idea and not be able to say why not until it's mentioned.

Warnings

  • Don't make suggestions that show up all the time in TV commercials, repeat articles, other constant public sources. They have heard it before, either they tried it or have some reason not to. Try to focus more on giving people new information.
  • When giving advice about anything, take no for an answer. Don't be surprised if you find out they already knew about that herbal supplement, tried it and had an allergic reaction.
  • When giving advice about dangerous activities and situations, think in terms of "harm reduction" more than black and white, absolute, sermon-like terms. It's much more effective to accept the reality that they're doing this and try to mitigate it than to expect anyone to respond to sermons with anything but hostility. "If you know you're going to sleep around with that many people, it's probably a good idea to keep condoms handy and think about birth control." "If you're going to spend the weekend drinking, it's probably a good idea to arrange a ride before you get started so that you don't try to drive while you're plastered."
  • Obviously, some advice is warranted, such advice about preventing harm, injury and death rather than advice about lifestyle/relationship or career choices, etc, which don't necessarily have harmful consequences (although this is sometimes debatable). Even here though, you can advise in positive terms, and give reasons rather than making yourself sound authoritarian and all-knowing but refusing to give reasons. And if you haven't a clue, find someone who does rather than pretending you know anything.
  • If you see a situation where the other person is putting themselves or others in harm's way, get professional help. Either call the emergency services or consult with medical or psychological professionals who can truly handle a case of this magnitude.

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Sources and Citations

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