Stop Loving a Guy

Breaking up is hard to do. It is even more difficult when you still think of the other person constantly. If everywhere you go, something reminds you of him, it’s important to get thoughts of your former partner out of your mind and find ways to move on.

Steps

Getting Him Off Your Mind

  1. Stop contacting your ex. If he’s always on your mind, it might be difficult to refrain from picking up the phone to call him. However, the longer you go without talking to him, the easier it will become with each passing day. Try changing his name in your contacts list to something to remind you not to call, like “DO NOT CALL!” Better yet, you may consider deleting his number completely.[1]
    • Don’t text him or send him emails, either. Consider erasing your text messages and emails from him so you won’t be tempted to re-read them and get nostalgic or upset.
    • If you have strong urge to call him, then you might try calling up a friend instead and talk to her about your desire to call your ex. This will give you a chance to examine why you want to call and your friend can provide an objective perspective on why you probably should not call him.
  2. Throw away old mementos from the relationship. If you dated this guy for a while, it’s likely you have some things lying around that remind you of him when you see them. Maybe his toothbrush is still in your bathroom, or his sweatshirt is still hanging in your closet. Get rid of these little reminders. Donate old clothes that belonged to him, and toss out old movie ticket stubs. If you get rid of the things that make you think of him when you look at them, you might be able to keep yourself from thinking of him at all.[1]
    • If you have anything of his that is especially valuable or that he might want back, put it in a box and mail it back to him, or leave it on his front step. Avoid making contact with him in the process of giving the things back to him.
    • Even if you never formally dated, get rid of or put away the things you have that remind you of him. For example, if you have photos of him around, consider getting rid of them to help get over him.
  3. Unfollow him on social media. Keep his posts off of your social media feeds. If you aren’t ready to completely erase him from your friends lists, you can choose to unfollow his posts until you feel like you’re strong enough to see them again. Seeing his posts will only make you think of him more, and it will be more difficult to let him go.[2]
    • Consider taking a break from social media in general. That way, you won’t be constantly bombarded with status updates and photos about other couples that might make you think about the guy you’re trying to get over. Giving yourself a break from social media could be helpful.
  4. Find healthy ways to grieve. Grieving the loss of a relationship is a painful part of the process, but it is an essential part of any breakup. Trying to distract yourself from the pain of the breakup may prolong it or even make it worse.[3][4]
    • Allow yourself to feel the pain of the breakup. Cry if you feel like crying about it and tell supportive friends how you feel. You may experience a range of emotions after a breakup, such as sadness, resentment, anger, and fear. Express how you are feeling by talking with people who care about you and who you can trust. Feeling your emotions may be uncomfortable, but it will help you to move on.
    • You can also write about how you are feeling.[5] Try keeping a daily journal where you write about how you are feeling and then list five things that you are grateful for that day. Practicing gratitude can help to relive stress and help you to feel happier.[6] Therefore, this can be an effective way to start to feel better after a breakup.
    • Don’t relive the painful details of the breakup over and over. Just take some time each day for as long as you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings, such as 20 to 30 minutes per day. Try setting a timer to limit your grieving time.[7] After your grieving time is up, do something to help yourself feel better, such as meeting a friend for coffee, going for a walk, or engaging in a favorite hobby.
  5. Avoid idealizing the relationship. When a relationship ends, it’s easy to end up focusing on how great it was and ignoring the not-so-great aspects of it. Avoid idealizing the relationship in this way. Instead, try to be realistic as you reflect on the relationship and acknowledge the bad along with the good. This may make it easier to move on. To get out of an idealizing mode, it might be helpful to reflect on some of the flaws in your relationship to remind yourself of why you broke up.[8]
    • For example, if you often disagreed on movies and this caused problems, then your different tastes may have been one of the reasons for the breakup. Or, maybe you had a hard time trusting him when he was out with his friends, so you texted him often to deal with your worry.
    • Don’t dwell on the negative aspects of your relationship. Just try to be thankful that you won’t have to deal with these negative aspects of the relationship anymore.

Focusing on Yourself

  1. Identify what you want for your future. Instead of focusing on what you wanted in a future with your ex, start looking at what you want your future to look like.[4] Identify your hopes, dreams, and goals and allow yourself to get excited about these things.
    • For example, what is Land-Your-Dream-Job? Would you like a new job or maybe just a promotion at your current job? Would you like to go back to school to train for a new job? If so, what might you need to do to start that process? Complete an application? Visit a local college?
    • You might also think about personal wellness goals, such as losing weight, improving your self-esteem, or Practice-Spirituality-and-Stay-On-the-Path.
    • Give yourself permission to dream about what you want your life to look like and then identify some things you can do to move in that direction.
  2. Do something for yourself. Think of something that makes you feel good, like going shopping for new clothes, or getting a new haircut. Go out and do that for yourself to get your mind off of the guy. Giving yourself a new look, buying something new to wear, taking a day off, or even just listening to your favorite music can all help you de-stress and focus on something besides him.[9]
    • If you have the time and the means, try taking a little overnight trip somewhere. It doesn’t have to be far away—it could even just mean staying over at a friend’s house. It will get you out of your comfort zone, which is where you’re probably most likely to dwell on the guy you’re trying to get over.
  3. Keep yourself active. Exercise is a great way to boost your mood and keep yourself busy. Instead of sitting around and dwelling, go out for a walk, take a jog, go swimming, or get your aggression out on a punching bag. Not only will you feel physically energized and more upbeat, you’ll also distract yourself from thinking of the guy.[1]
    • Yoga is also a great option. It’s great for focusing on yourself and your breathing, as well as working on your physical health.

Moving Forward

  1. Try not to blame yourself for the relationship’s end.[5] You may be tempted to look at what caused the relationship to end and analyze your role in it. However, doing this may make you feel worse and it won’t change anything. You can go over the details endlessly, but you can’t go back in time and change the things that you said or did.
    • Instead of focusing on what you did or what he did, try to remind yourself that this is no one’s fault. Some people are just not compatible, and that is okay. It is important to find someone with whom you can communicate effectively and who can meet your needs as well as you meet his.
  2. Give yourself some time to be single. Rather than throwing yourself right back into another relationship, take some time to be on your own. Until you feel like you’ve completely gotten over this guy, try not to move onto another one. If you move into another relationship before you’re totally ready, you run the risk of your unresolved feelings interfering with a new relationship.[1]
    • Instead of going out on dates in the meantime, go out with your friends instead. Do things in groups and enjoy your time as a single person.
  3. Date other people when you’re ready. Just because you aren’t getting into another relationship right away doesn’t mean you can’t go on a date or two just for fun. Flirting with new people is fun and will help distract you from thinking about the guy you’re trying to get over. Keep things light and simple, and have fun with it.[10]
    • Flirting can also help you boost your self-confidence a bit if you’re feeling a little low after the loss of a relationship. Making yourself feel good is a good way to help yourself move forward.
  4. Recognize the good things about your life without him. There were plenty of good things about your life before he came along, and those things are still there. Think about all the good things you still have going on, and look ahead to the good things you have in your future, regardless of his presence in your life. Sometimes it can even be helpful to make an actual list of all the good things in your life, as a tangible reminder.[11]
    • If you do write a list, keep it somewhere you can see it often, like on the fridge or in the dash of your car. That way, it will always be visible in case you need to be reminded of all the good in your life.
  5. Consider counseling. If you are having trouble moving on, it’s always an option to seek the help of a professional. Speaking to a therapist or counselor can be helpful, and they might have some new ideas or suggestions to help you move forward. Do an online search to find a provider in your area. There may even be counselors nearby that specialize in relationships and can offer some special insight.[12]
    • If you are a college student, your school may offer counseling services for free, or for a small fee. Check with your student services office.

Tips

  • Look forward, not back.
  • Think positively after a breakup. Maybe this guy was just not for you long term. He may have done you a favor by letting you go.

Warnings

  • If you feel depressed for an extended period of time, seek the help of a counselor or therapist.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/getting-over-the-ex-ten-basic-tips/#.V5BAwEYrLnA
  2. ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g1944/how-to-get-over-an-ex-boyfriend/?slide=2
  3. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/06/10/coping-with-the-end-of-a-relationship/
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 https://www.mcgill.ca/counselling/files/counselling/surviving_a_break-up_-_20_strategies_0.pdf
  6. ↑ http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletter_article/in-praise-of-gratitude
  7. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/29/how-to-get-over-a-breakup/
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup
  9. ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g1944/how-to-get-over-an-ex-boyfriend/?slide=8
  10. ↑ http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g1944/how-to-get-over-an-ex-boyfriend/?slide=10
  11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/schlepping-through-heartbreak/201106/seven-steps-moving-forward-when-your-relationship-ends
  12. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/breakup
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