Tell a Friend You Need Some Space

Everybody needs space. Some people need a lot, while others may need only a little. Although it may seem counterintuitive, giving a friendship some room to breath allows the relationship to remain healthy. Being able to ask for what you need is crucial to lasting friendships.

Steps

Taking a Subtle Approach

1. Paint a mental picture of what you want. You are always less likely to hurt someone’s feelings if you can communicate how you feel and what you need without making them defensive. Try to describe in detail how you feel, and help them picture what you need.
   • For example, you could say, “I have had such a hard work week. In an ideal world, I would be able to lie in my bed all day. Can I ask you a favor? Would you mind if we didn’t hang out tonight?”
   • If you need more time than that, you could say, "I am going through a lot in my world right now, and I really need some time to reevaluate things. Can I ask you a favor? It's a big one. Would you mind if we didn’t hang or talk for a few weeks?”
2. Follow a script. If you want to politely decline social invitations, but you are feeling shy, just follow a script. This will help you not to overly-apologize. It is perfectly okay to say “no” without saying “I’m sorry.” Here are a few samples:
   • When you just want to say no: “My week has been really busy. I think I need to take it easy tonight. Thanks though!”
   • When you don’t want to hang out with a whole group: “Thanks for thinking of me, but I have to pass. Would you want to make some plans just for the two of us? I need a breather from group situations.
   • When you aren’t up for it tonight, but still want to meet up another time: “This sounds like so much fun! Would it be possible to get a rain check?”
   • When you really don't want their friendship anymore: "I don't know how to say this, but I just don't think we really mesh with each other. I'm going to put this friendship on the back burner for a while."
3. Offer an alternative. Any time you ask a friend for space, you run the risk of making them feel unwanted. If this is a friendship you want to hold on to, you can minimize these feelings by offering an alternative.
   • If you are not up for going someplace really public, maybe you would be okay with just handing out together at home?
   • If you really just need to be alone right now, maybe you could make plans for next week?
   • If you need space for quite a while, maybe you would be okay with just texting once or twice a week?
4. Consider their needs. All relationships involve give and take. If this is a friendship you'd like to preserve, think about your friend’s needs as you assert your own need for space.
   • If they need reassurance or attention to feel happy, perhaps you could agree to check in with them.
   • Perhaps if they realize they have a need for reassurance and attention, they could get that need met in some other way while you recharge.
   • There is almost always some way for you to both have your needs satisfied.
5. Avoid lying. Whatever you do, don’t fabricate a lie to get out of hanging out. It is perfectly normal to want space. It is nothing to be ashamed of or to be sorry about, so there is no reason to lie. It won’t make you feel good and you won’t enjoy the space you receive. It is likely your friend will find out anyway!

Taking a Direct Approach

1. Wait until you’re not angry. Sometimes your need for space can be more serious than simply “needing to recharge.” If the actions of someone upset you and that is why you want space from them, wait until you’ve cooled off to let them know. You will be more level-headed and better able to articulate why you need space.
2. Practice what you are going to say. Especially if the conversation may grow heated, it is a good idea to rehearse the conversation ahead of time.
   • Start by making an outline of your most important points. What do you need your friend to know?
   • Once you have your outline, practice speaking in the mirror.
   • You can always bring the outline with you if you think you may forget an important point.
3. Just say it. No matter how you go about it, the important thing is just to say what you need to say. Preparation is only effective up to a point. After that, you have to take the leap. Don’t over think it and don’t put it off. Just pick up the phone and call.
4. Establish boundaries. If you feel that your friend is frequently overwhelming your space or if you don’t feel like your requests for space are being heard, you may need to set some boundaries. Healthy boundaries are the foundation of a healthy friendship.
   • Explain which behaviors are okay, and which others are not.
   • For example, maybe it is okay for them to email or call, but not okay from them to drop by unannounced.
   • If you want to sever the friendship permanently, it is important to voice it.
5. Be persistent. Your need for space will not evaporate. When you need space, make sure you get it. Subtle approaches may work sometimes, and at others you may need to be more direct, but chances are, you will need to assert your need for space more than once. Keep at it! Claiming the space you need is a powerful act of self-love!

Deciding That You Need Space

1. Ask for space because you are busy and exhausted. Maybe you’ve had a stressful week. Maybe you just feel stretched too thin. Give yourself the private time you need to recuperate by taking some space from your friend.
2. Ask for space because you are more of an introvert and just need time alone. Everybody lies at a different locations on the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Do you find that you are more rejuvenating by time alone? If so, you may be more introverted. This means that taking some space for yourself is essential for you to feel good. Let yourself have it!
3. Ask for space because your friend is stirring up too much drama. Many times we need space from friends because they bring stress into our lives. If you have a friend who is stirring up drama, give yourself permission to take some space. It is almost always a good idea to let things cool down.
4. Ask for space because your friend is notoriously flaky and you are frustrated with it. Are you tired of making plans with a friend just for them to break plans or reschedule? You can choose to stop making plans with that friend.
5. Decide what kind of space you need. Before you know how to ask for this space, you must determine what kind of space you are looking for. If you just need a night off, you may want to take a subtle approach. If you need to overhaul the nature of your friendship, your approach should be more direct.
   • Do you just need a night off?
   • Do you no longer want to hang out with this friend one-on-one, but would be okay in groups (or vice versa)?
   • Do you want to change the relationship itself (or even end it)?

Tips

• Accept that you cannot please all of the people all of the time.
• Being honest is always the best policy - even as a last resort, when tact has not made its way through.
• Always imagine yourself in the other person's shoes. Try to be considerate.
• Don't pressure your friends.

Warnings

• Sometimes you don't know how a person will react. Be prepared to possibly offend your friend.

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Source and Citations

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