Tell a Man He Has Hurt You
Telling someone that they have hurt you can be difficult. It's possible that no one intended to hurt you, so telling someone that they did hurt you may make them feel various negative emotions. Bad feelings make for difficult conflicts. The worse the feelings, the more intense the conflict. This how-to may help you work through this difficult situation in a respectful, calm, adult manner. It's not about coming out on top, it's about having a healthy relationship!
Contents
Steps
Organizing Your Thoughts
- Know what you want to change. Instead of just complaining to him about your feelings, have examples of what you want him to do instead and how he can go about doing it. Have a plan of action. Men respond much better to known expectations and plans then generalized information.
- Make a list. List out the things you want to talk about. List the ways you were hurt, as well as specific examples. When you're in the heat of an argument or otherwise running on adrenaline from the anxiety of the discussion, it can be difficult to remember everything or get sidetracked or distracted. A list will help.
- Decide on a time and place. Talking in public may prevent things from getting too out of hand, but it also may provide him with an excuse to talk about it later.
- Try going to a semi-private place. An open space at a park during the day, for example. Just be sure to be far away from but in open view of other people.
- Don't argue in the bedroom or places where you usually have fun or sex. This will attach negative feelings to that place.
- Analyze why you were hurt. Think about the times that you were hurt. Think about what it was that hurt you. It may be that you were hurt for reasons other than what you initially think. Analyze your feelings so that you can get to the heart of the problem. This will help avoid temporary patches to bigger issues.
- For example, you may be hurt that he forgot your birthday. But are you really hurt about that? It's a little silly, on its own, to be upset about. Maybe the reason you're really hurt is because it is a part of a larger pattern of his taking advantage of your presence.
- Consider all sides of the issue. Sometimes we get angry or hurt about things we really don't have any right to be upset about. Before talking to him, you should make sure that you aren't being rude or hypocritical, as this will only result in more hurt feelings and fighting.
- For example, you might be hurt that your best dude friend is spending more time with his girlfriend than he is with you. You're certainly allowed to feel that way, but definitely not allowed to make demands on him about it.
- Another example would be if you're upset that your boyfriend is hanging out with female friends. If you hang out with male friends, you really aren't going to have a lot of moral high-ground.
Talking to the Man
- Introduce the topic in the way that feels right to you. Sometimes this means telling him that you have something you want to talk to him about. Sometimes this means finding a way to introduce it naturally into the conversation. You will know what's best for your situation.
- Keep an even, gentle tone. You don't want to come across as sounding over-emotional or dramatic. Sounding like that makes it harder to take anyone seriously. Instead, keep calm and the discussion will go much easier.
- Avoid accusatory language. Instead of outright blaming him, use language which is focused on "I" statements. Describe how you feel and what consequences his actions have had on you.
- For example, avoid statements like "You always forget my birthday" and instead use statements like "I feel sad when you forget my birthday."
- Use specific examples. Don't make broad generalizations about things he does that hurt you. This is difficult for people to understand and sympathize with, especially when they're hurt. Instead, use specific examples.
- For example, avoid statements like "You always leave me to deal with the hard problems" and instead say "I was upset when you left me to deal with Bob this morning. You did that last week too."
- Make sure he understands that you still care about him. He may feel threatened if you make it seem like you want to break up or stop being friends over something he didn't know he was doing wrong. Make sure that he understands, from early on in the conversation, that you still care about him and you want to work through this problem, not cut and run.
- Now that you've spoken, you have to react to his reaction. Try to always respond calmly and appropriately. If he blows it off, makes fun or you, blames you for his behavior, minimizes what you've said, tries to turn things around and make it your problem, then you may need to consider that maybe he's not the most confident, mature or nice guy that you hoped he was.
- If this is your spouse or fiancé, you may want to consider couple counseling or marital therapy to work through these problems. Hopefully, he will understand and respect your thoughts and feelings.
Understanding the Outcomes
- Consider that telling a man he's hurting you may result in a conflict. So, before you do anything, consider how you and he prefer to handle conflicts. Are you "avoidant," "calm," or "volatile"? If you have different temperaments, then that will probably lead to other problems.
- For example: if you raise your voice because you're volatile, then he may ignore you or blow it off if he's a calm or avoidant type.
- Even the best of couples can have a lot of difficulty working through differences in temperament. The greater the differences in temperament, the more likely your relationship will have problems.
- Be aware that men can get more defensive of their ego than women. So, if he feels threatened, he may react with anger and defensiveness. When men get angry, they get a rush of testosterone and this amplifies their anger (yes, men are hormonal, too). Women are usually less defensive and more likely to give in.
- If he responds well, don't expect him to change 100% immediately. He may need some reminders. Be sure to not take it personally if he makes a mistake and be supportive. The hurtful behavior will hopefully change over time. If he seems to get worse, then you'll need to have another "talk." Keep in mind that you're not perfect either and he may want you to change something about yourself, too.
- Finally, remember not to worry that you'll ruin the romance by having a conflict. The happiest couples are the ones that realize that a relationship is not perfect to start with but is made better over time by working through problems maturely.
Tips
- Be sure to have at least one specific example to discuss.
- Remain calm during the discussion. Try to speak in a softer tone of voice.
- Be strong, but not aggressive. Don't use insults, avoid shouting and name calling.
- Consider practicing what you're going to say to him either in front of a mirror or with a friend. Think about how you would feel if you were him.
Warnings
- This "How To" does not apply to situations of violence. This "How To" applies to women who want to tell a man (boyfriend, lover, husband, boss, coworker) that he has or is hurting her. If you are being physically abused by a man, consider getting professional help from a lawyer, your doctor, or a licensed mental health professional.
- Physical violence is not acceptable and you should seek professional help immediately from a lawyer, doctor, or licensed mental health professional.
- If things get too intense when confronting him, consider ending the discussion and getting outside or professional help.
