Get Over a Guy That Dumped You for a Lame Reason
Ever been dumped for what seems like a really lame reason or no reason at all, at least as far as you can tell? Excuses like "You're too young", "I'm really confused" and "I don't want a girlfriend right now"? While this kind of ending is pretty hurtful, you can get over it and keep your head high.
Contents
Steps
Being Gentle on Yourself
- Be absolutely clear that the excuse is not about your personal value. Devaluing yourself as a result of the guy's breakup excuse is allowing the negative voices in your head to get the upper hand. He has used an excuse to try to get out of a relationship that he no longer wants to pursue, for his own reasons, not because you are less of a person or unworthy.
- Quell the voices of self-recrimination. When you start telling yourself "If only I had..." this is a warning to stop. Nobody can reinvent the past and going over many different scenarios of how things could have been different if only you had made certain changes, spoken differently, being someone else, whatever, is unhelpful at best and destructive at worst.
- Let yourself cry and wallow for a short time. It's okay to cry and feel down temporarily. Everyone needs to let emotions through. However, don't let it drag on incessantly; life goes on, change is inevitable and Mr. Right might not see you for those swollen eyelids.
- Cry indoors, away from prying eyes. If you cry in public, you will feel like you're making a fool out of yourself. If you feel like you're about to burst out in tears in the classroom or in front of his friends or siblings, quickly pop out to the bathroom, cry a little, then wash your face and get back to it.
Finding Support
- Revisit your friends. Keep your friends around you and spend plenty of time with them. Talk things through with your most trusted friend or friends but don't go on about the excuse or the breakup with people in your wider circle, as it can be overkill and make everyone feel worse. Instead, let everyone know that you're free to spend time with them again and that you are up for activities together.
- Turn up to events with friends if he is going to be there. For moral support, don't go to events alone when you know he will be there too. Tell your friends that you're worried you might feel weak in his presence and say or do something you might regret and have them monitor things for you.
- Have a friend on speed dial in case you need to quickly talk about your feelings in the case where you accidentally bump into your ex and feel like taking things out on him or crying in public.
The Ex as a Friend
- Realize that after breaking up, keeping your ex as a friend is a danger zone. For some people it may work but for many, it is a minefield and if you harbor any feelings that he didn't really mean to break up with you and that his excuses can be proven wrong, then you are dallying with unreality. Guys rarely exit a relationship with the intention of being proven wrong; they've made up their mind already that it isn't working and they're moving on.
- Be friendly if you want to be but don't overdo it. When you see one another again, it's up to you whether or not to acknowledge him. The reality is that it pays to stay polite but distant. A simple "hello, how are you doing?" is fine. On the other hand, a "hey, do you miss me and wish I were back by your side and giving you my kisses?" won't do either of you any favors.
- A simple smile or wave is sufficient if you can't muster any words. He doesn't need to know you're cut up in inside; that's what your friends are for.
- Give yourself at least a week apart before attempting to see one another again as "friends". By then, hopefully you will have started to sort yourself out. If so, try talking to him in a friendly way––about anything except your former close relationship. Don't put too much pressure on him; just have quick chats and don't follow him around or be clingy. Give it a couple more weeks and you two may just develop a better platonic friendship.
Letting Go
- Respect yourself enough to not want to do bad things to your ex or to flirt outrageously. Acknowledge that it is sad, disappointing and painful when someone stops caring about you intimately after a close relationship. But you cannot change the person or change their mind. Remember that you are not the lesson he needs to learn; he has already made up his mind and trying to make him "see reason" is not your role. Ditch any thoughts of revenge or proving yourself irresistible; you will only confirm his decision.
- See things from his perspective. Maybe he liked you a lot but was confused at the time and truly not ready to commit; if so, at least he has had the courage to liberate you to move on. Be considerate of his feelings, he's trying to get over you too. And don't think that because he hasn't cried or looked at you, or seemed upset, he's forgotten about you. He's probably trying the best he can to distract himself from getting upset because he doesn't want to show his emotions.
- Try to give it a break for a while. Don't go running after him and asking questions or give him a big hug. Just stick to the smiles and waves for now. Spend time with your friends, hobbies and family. Make some goals for your future. If it gets really bad, go for a trip somewhere to get fresh perspective. In time, you will heal and you'll be ready to look for someone who is ready to commit and leave the lame excuses behind.
Tips
- Listen to some music, exercise, watch some movies and do stuff that makes you feel happier and comforted. New hobbies are always good things to get involved in.
- Get a makeover or haircut. Do something that will take your mind off him for a while and make you feel really good about yourself.
- Your friends are there for you, so talk to them but don't keep going on and on about it or they're going to get pretty sick of it.
- Be nice to his family and friends. You were part of that relationship at the time, so they're probably going to try to be nice to you and help a bit.
Warnings
- If you try too much to impress him, he will likely think you're desperate.
- Don't pressure him too much; take things slowly. If he doesn't want to stay friends, accept this.
- Never name-call (i.e. a-hole, d-bag, etc) - it is just childish and pathetic, and you're not pathetic, are you?
- Do not be mean to your ex; he has feelings too.
