Tell a Woman You're Not Interested
Here's what to do and say when you're just not that into her.
Contents
Steps
- Tell her as soon as you are aware that you're not interested. You don't want to delay the inevitable, or give her the wrong impression.
- Make it private, but choose a neutral location. If you're telling her in person, do it in a location where you can easily leave - a public place that's not overly crowded, such as a bench at the park, or a short walk outside. DON'T do it at your place, because it's always harder to get someone else to leave than to leave yourself.
- Tell her quickly, and tell her the truth. It doesn't have to be a long conversation. Say something like "Look, there's something I want to tell you. I'm really flattered that you like me, and I feel uncomfortable saying this, but I don't have those feelings for you."
- Give her some time to have her feelings about it, but don't get into talking about "Why" you're not interested. The truth is, your reasons are not important - if you aren't interested, you aren't interested. Anything you say can lead to hurt feelings, and isn't likely to go over well. Simply stick with a very simple statement that it just 'wasn't a match,' or that she's a very nice person, but you don't want to be in a relationship with her.
- Offer what help you can. Hopefully, you haven't been seeing her for very long - most people who realize they aren't interested in pursuing a relationship do so quickly. If there's a specific problem, such as that she was too clingy too quickly, you might find a tactful way to say so, and that will help her in the future. Something like, "It was just too much too soon for me." If she suggests she could slow things down, firmly let her know, "There were other reasons which are not important. What is important is that I don't want to pursue this relationship. I'm sorry, you're a very nice person, but it's not a match for me."
- Exit stage left. Don't overstay. As soon as she's had time to express her sadness or anger, simply say that it's time for you to go, and wish her the best.
- Make it a clean break. It's really important not to lead her on and say things that might lead her to think that there's a chance some day. Some people think this is a way of breaking the news gently or "letting her down easy," but it's much better to deal with reality. Women who have fallen hard will hold onto any shred of hope and will not move on as long as you allow them to believe there is any. Cut it off clean - it's the kindest cut of all.
- Always speak well of her to others, or not at all. Gossiping, or bad mouthing another person never leads to anything positive. If anyone asks, just tell them "It didn't work out." If someone tells you she has a hot new boyfriend and seems really happy, say, "That's great, I'm really happy for her."
Tips
- Know that any feelings that come up for you or her are normal and healthy. You don't need to rescue her from her sadness.
- Be clear and direct in your communication, while also being kind. Do have some compassion for the fact that her feelings may have been more extreme than yours, and allow for some upset.
- Don't take to long telling her that you don't love her otherwise that will just hurt her more.
Warnings
- Do not use the "I just don't want to be in a relationship" excuse unless it is the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Nothing hurts more than being lied to, and if you get a new girlfriend a couple of months later, she'll know you were dishonest.
- If the woman is very attached to you, it may be prudent to tell her this in a more private setting, so that in case she gets upset, there won't be an ugly, public scene.
- Do not attempt to console her by telling her she'll find someone someday. She very likely will, but as the person dumping her, there's no way you can say it without sounding condescending.
- If she has fallen for you, she will probably cry at least a little. Stay calm, and remember that telling her now is MUCH better than leading her on and wasting her time!
- If stalking has been or becomes an issue, take it seriously right away, by taking appropriate action. Stalking - or instilling fear into a reasonable person without outside encouragement - is considered a crime and should therefore not be taken lightly. Do what many targets of stalkers fail to do - contact the police.
