Tell if Your Girlfriend Likes Someone Else

Even the most loving, trusting relationships are sometimes plagued by periods of doubt. If you've found yourself worrying that your girlfriend is harboring feelings for someone else, it's very important to to make sure that your suspicions are justified before acting on them. Looking for certain subtle hints in the things she does, the things she says, and the way she acts can help clue you in to her true feelings. Remember, however, that no matter how convinced you are, there's no substitute for cold, hard proof, no matter how sure you are.

Steps

When Should You Start Investigating?

  1. Learn to trust her before digging into her past and personal life. Relationships are based on trust. This doesn't mean that you never feel jealous or suspicious; it means you can put those feelings aside and believe in your girlfriend. If you can't trust your girlfriend, maybe you shouldn't be with her. Suspicion and jealous behaviors pushes people away, especially if you start rooting around her stuff without a good reason.
    • If she's pushing you away, seems distant, or spends all of her time away from you, then you can feel comfortable asking some questions.
    • Your girlfriend will have other male friends -- that doesn't mean she's giving you up. Try not to feel so threatened by other men.
  2. Accept that you can never know what other people are thinking. If she's told someone else she likes them or she's made a move, that's one thing. But trying to figure out every single crush and passing infatuation is a fool's errand. Think about it -- how often have you had fleeting feelings for someone else? How often have you actually acted upon them?
    • Small crushes are perfectly normal, even in rock-solid relationships. If you try to uncover every one of them you won't be dating her for long.
    • If you look hard at your life, you'll realize that you appear to like other girls when you're just being friendly. A jealous mind invents stories where there are none.
  3. Let her handle her emotions, and you handle yours. If she likes someone else, that's on her. It is her job to break up with you and move on, or to realize that her crush doesn't mean that much. At the end of the day it's her actions, not her thoughts, that matter. Paradoxically, this confidence in yourself, knowing that she's your girl and that's that, will make you much more attractive. Possessive, needy boys end up alone.
    • She is with you already. She's your girlfriend! Unless she's cheating on you, it doesn't matter if she like someone else temporarily as long as she still loves you.
  4. Investigate further if you have reasons to be suspicious, but still want the relationship to work. You need both parts. If you don't have a reason to be suspicious (hidden text messages, distant behavior, catching her in lies, etc.), then investigating her is rude and insensitive. If you don't want the relationship to work, or have a deep distrust you can't shake, then end the relationship. Who cares if she likes other boys at that point? You have deeper problems in this relationship.
    • Ask yourself seriously why you care if she likes someone else. If you're terrified of losing her, then you should talk to her. If you're blindly enraged at the thought then you need to take a step back.
    • If you can't find a way to trust her, either because of past issues or because you can't shake the idea that she's into other guys, just break up.

Judging Her Actions

  1. See whether she shuns physical intimacy. One of the most obvious, fundamental signs that something is wrong in a relationship is if one partner becomes uncomfortable being physically close to another. Whether it's holding hands, cuddling, making out, or having sex, being physically intimate requires a great deal of trust from both partners. If one partner knows that the trust has been betrayed, physical intimacy can suddenly start to seem quite awkward and unnatural, even when it was easy before. If your girlfriend all of a sudden seems to recoil at the thought of touching you, something's up — even if it's not infidelity.
    • To be clear, what you're looking for here is a sudden, unexplained reluctance to be physically intimate in ways that you previously were. If you previously were having sex and it doesn't seem to happen any more, this is a sign of a problem. However, if you've only kissed your girlfriend on the cheek, her unwillingness to have sex with you doesn't mean she's having feelings for someone else. People can take time to progress through the stages of physical intimacy — in fact, progressing too quickly to sex is one of the most comment complaints women have about he physical side of their relationship.[1]
  2. Check whether she hides her phone from you. In the modern age, our cell phones and personal electronic devices have become the way in which we keep in touch with our significant other. However, if your girlfriend has been fooling around with someone else, there's a good chance that her phone was also used to stay up-to-speed with him. Pay attention to the way your girlfriend handles her phone — does she keep it close to herself when she's texting? Has she recently added a password? Does she refuse to let you use it? Does she seem reluctant to let it out of her sight? If so, she may have something to hide.
    • This advice isn't just for cell phones — it's also for other types of electronic gadgets people can use to communicate with each other. For instance, if your girlfriend keeps shutting her laptop or logging out of her social media profile every time you walk into the room, this can be cause for concern if it's happening alongside some of the other warning signs in this article.
  3. Take notice if her schedule suddenly becomes busy. Girlfriends and boyfriends with busy, active lives will occasionally have trouble making time for each other in their schedules. This is perfectly natural and something that most couples have to deal with. However, if your girlfriend suddenly becomes too busy to hang out with you for long periods of time and her explanation doesn't seem to make sense, this can mean that she's spending her free time with someone else. If your girlfriend has recently had trouble finding the time to hang out with you and her explanations don't seem to hold water, you definitely have reason to be concerned.
    • To help differentiate between normal schedule conflicts and "troublesome" ones, try this trick. When your girlfriend says that she won't be able to hang out with you, try suggesting a different time. If she still says she can't make it, wait for her to suggest an alternative. Usually, when people want to hang out with each other but they have a schedule conflict, they'll volunteer a different time for hanging out. If your girlfriend seems content to let the matter go unresolved, however, this can be a sign that she doesn't really want to hang out with you at all.
  4. Look for whether she avoids eye contact. Being able to look someone in the eye is widely-regarded as a sign of sincerity and honesty. When people know they're or hiding something from someone who's close to them, it can become difficult or almost even painful to look the other person in the eye. If your girlfriend suddenly can't seem to meet your gaze, something may be very wrong.
    • Obviously, this doesn't mean that if your girlfriend can look you in the eyes, she's telling the truth. Skilled (or particularly remorseless) liars can look their significant other in the eye without any problem.
    • It also bears mentioning that some people who are shy or socially awkward can naturally have a hard time looking other people in the eye.[2] In addition, certain types of social disorders may cause this behavior.
  5. Look for a change in her habits. When you've been dating someone for a while, their routine and daily habits should become fairly well-known to you simply through spending time with them. Seeing a sudden shift in the way your girlfriend spends her time should automatically feel strange and cause you concern, but if you see it along with some of the other warning signs in this article, you may have reason to be alarmed. This is especially true if your girlfriend's new routine has her doing things she actively avoided doing with you. People are generally more willing to participate in social activities they don't care for at the beginning of a new relationship when doing so may please their new partner.
    • For instance, let's say that your girlfriend hated going to the beach with her boyfriend in the past, but now has spent the past two weekends with "some friends" at one of their beach houses. As her boyfriend, it's reasonable for you to question this, especially if she meets pretends that she has always liked the beach.
  6. See whether she starts to dress very differently. For both sexes, a sudden, drastic change in the way someone dresses can be a sign that some other aspect of their life has changed. For instance, it can be a sign that someone has recently become single, has recently lost someone and is grieving, or has recently gotten a new job. However, within the confines of a committed relationship, if someone adopts a drastically different "look" without warning and has no explanation or just unconvincing excuses, it can be a sign that she is trying to impress a third party.
    • It's an especially worrisome sign if your girlfriend's new look seems to be designed to be attention-seeking or provocative. For instance, someone known for her conservative style of dress is less likely to spontaneously start wearing bare midriffs and low-cut tops than someone without such a reputation.
  7. Know if she's ignoring you. The thought of getting the "cold shoulder" is enough to make any concerned boyfriend shiver. If you're suspicious of your girlfriend's true intentions, pay attention to the way she treats you when you hang out — does she seem indifferent or disinterested in what you have to say? Does she belittle your opinions or ignore them entirely? Does it feel like your presence is making no difference at all in the way she behaves? Is she completely unavailable via phone or social media? If you're beginning to feel like you're invisible around your own girlfriend, your relationship has problems.
    • If you think you're being ignored, be sure to stay calm. Texting your girlfriend 100 times to get a response isn't likely to go over well whether or not she's spending her time with another guy. Remember that constantly trying to clamber for someone's attention can make you appear unattractively desperate.
  8. Don't tolerate obvious signs of infidelity. All of the warning signs in this article assume that it's difficult to tell whether your girlfriend likes someone else simply by observing her. However, if your girlfriend is brazen enough to be open about her preference for another person, you won't need to wait to look for any of the other signs. In these cases, your relationship needs a serious re-evaluation. Below are just a few obvious actions you absolutely shouldn't to tolerate:
    • Showing open affection for someone else in a way that goes beyond friendly fake-flirting or harmless banter (e.g., kissing, intimate dancing, etc.)
    • Ditching you to exclusively hang out with someone else in social situations.
    • Showing contempt or making fun of you in a way that goes beyond good-natured teasing, especially when only around certain people.
    • Openly attempting to entice or arouse another person with innuendos or come-ons in a way that's not intended as sarcastic or ironic.

Listening to What She Says

  1. Pay attention to how often you talk. Even the closest couples forget the importance of good communication from time to time. However, a long-term lack of communication can be a sign that a relationship is "on the rocks". If you've been getting bad vibes from your girlfriend, start to keep a tally of how frequently you talk to each other (this includes non-face to face communication like talking on the phone, texting, and so on). If you notice a sudden drop or your numbers seem suspiciously low, you may have reason to worry.
    • This advice applies especially to you if you're in a long-distance relationship. In an LDR, you don't have the luxury of physical contact, so frequent communication is key to keeping your relationship healthy. Many relationship experts recommend trying to communicate in some minor way every day if you're in an LDR.[3]
  2. Listen for minor lies and slip-ups. In the words of Mark Twain, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."[4] Even the most skillful liars occasionally get their stories mixed up, so, if you're beginning to have suspicions about your girlfriend, try to look for logical holes or contradictions in the things she says. People who are lying about where they've been, what they've done, and who they've been with will almost always make mistakes in their stories eventually — you just have to be listening to be able to catch them.
  3. See whether she is vague about her personal life. Rather than lying, some people who something to hide will avoid talking about how they are spending their time entirely. If your girlfriend was once perfectly willing to talk about her life, her friends, and her hobbies, but now she's suddenly become much less willing to volunteer this information, this may be her way of minimizing the guilt that may come from lying to you. Keep an ear out for the following vague, noncommittal phrases when you ask her about what she's been doing — if she won't give you any more information than one of these phrases, there may be something she's trying to hide.:
    • "Nothing."
    • "Why do you want to know?"
    • "I've just been really busy."
    • "I don't want to talk about it."
  4. Take note if she is unwilling to share details about new friends. Usually, making new friends is a good thing. However, if your girlfriend seems uncomfortable talking about certain new friends she's made, something's not right (especially if she's always been willing to talk about her friends before). Even if this isn't a sign that she likes someone else, it can be a sign that she's ashamed of the people she's been hanging out with or the things she's been doing with them and is afraid of how you'll react to this knowledge. Openness and trust is important in any relationship — if your girlfriend isn't being forthcoming about the people she's been hanging out with, it's a sign of some sort of problem, even if it's not infidelity.
  5. Listen for an unwillingness to acknowledge your relationship. If one partner in a relationship knows that she's betrayed her boyfriend's trust, it can become painful for her to even bring up her relationship in casual conversation. Talking about her relationship may make her feel guilty by bringing up thoughts of her betrayal or may annoy her by reminding her that she isn't out of her current relationship yet. Try asking your girlfriend a few of the following questions to get an idea of how comfortable she is talking about your relationship. If she seems uncharacteristically cagey, annoyed, embarrassed, or reluctant to answer, this may be a sign of a problem:
    • "How do you think we're doing as a couple?"
    • "Is there anything fun you'd like to do in the next couple of months?"
    • "What sort of things do you think we can do to improve our relationship?"
    • "What's your favorite memory of us together?"
    • "Where do you see us in a year?"

Reading Into Her Emotions

  1. Feel for emotional distance. Often, when something is wrong in a relationship, one or both partners can just "feel" that they are growing distant emotionally. Where two people once felt close and connected, they now feel like they hardly know each other. Where it was once easy to share emotions, cuddle, and talk about nothing, such interactions now feel forced and "cold". This sort of emotional distance can be a sign of a host of relationship problems, including infidelity. If your girlfriend seems cold and distant, press the issue with her — immediately talking with her to learn the root cause is better than languishing in unhappiness.
    • Note, however, that prolonged emotional distance can be a sign of many relationship problems besides infidelity. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center pinpoints family and cultural differences, situational conflict, and stress as just a few of many alternate causes.[5]
  2. Look for extreme defensiveness. Sometimes, people who know they're doing something wrong can become super-sensitive to any sort of criticism or accusation. Because their misdeeds are fresh in their memory, any sort of innocent teasing or nit-picking can seem like a personal attack. If your girlfriend has surprised you recently with unnecessarily hostile responses to seemingly innocent questions, you may have a serious. Below are a few innocent sample questions that can spell trouble if they're met with anger or frustration:
    • "Hey, who was that you were talking to on the phone?"
    • "So, what did you do last weekend?
    • "What are your plans for next Friday?"
    • "How are your friends?"
    • "Who have you seen recently?"
  3. Watch out for sudden aggression. In one of the absolute worst-case scenarios for any relationship, one partner may become so enamored with someone else that she actively tries to sabotage the relationship she's already in. This can take the form of aggression, rudeness, frustration, insults, and more. In this case, your girlfriend is most likely trying to get you to break up with her so that she can pursue her new relationship free from guilt.
    • If your relationship gets to this point, sadly, it may be best to give your girlfriend what she wants. The pain of a quick breakup is usually much less than the pain of staying in an unhappy relationship with someone who actively wants to ruin it.
  4. See whether she's uncomfortable receiving your kindness. Normally, random acts of kindness can provide a spontaneous "spark" for a relationship. However, if one partner has been having serious thoughts about someone else, this sort of kindness may simply make her guilty. Almost no one likes receiving appreciation from someone they know they've wronged, so if your girlfriend seems unhappy to receive a gift or some other sort of show of kindness from you, be on the lookout for other warning signs. Below are a few of the sorts of things that normally go over well, but may not if your girlfriend is seriously thinking about someone else:
    • Gifts for any occasion (especially "just because")
    • Fancy nights out
    • Gourmet meals
    • Surprise appearances at work
    • Clearing your schedule "just for her"
  5. Watch out for unprompted affection. Paradoxically, while having feelings for another guy can cause your girlfriend to be unusually defensive or aggressive, it can sometimes cause her to be extremely "nice" or affectionate. If your girlfriend is worried that you may discover her secret, she may temporarily try to woo you by showering you with kisses, hugs, compliments, cuddling, and more. A girlfriend who suddenly seems intent on keeping you dizzy with constant positive attention for no discernible reason may be up to no good, so be wary — especially if the affection seems to increase whenever you question her activities or whereabouts.
    • Of course, affection is usually a good thing within the context of a relationship, so don't be suspicious of ordinary, reasonable affection. Getting lots of kisses and a fancy dinner after getting graduating or getting promoted is fantastic, but receiving the same outcome after asking where your girlfriend has been for the past week should be troubling.

Tips

  • There may be other signs that indicate your girlfriend likes someone else. Basically, trust your gut instinct if you feel suspicious and watch out for anything she does that is unusual around other guys (or girls).
  • The steps above could also mean your girlfriend is cheating on you. However this does NOT necessarily mean that this is true.

Warnings

  • If you are going to accuse your girlfriend of liking someone else, firstly make sure you watch her a lot around the other guy so you are certain that her actions are not coincidental.

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.counseling.ufl.edu/cwc/physical-intimacy
  2. ↑ http://www.succeedsocially.com/eyecontact
  3. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/7-tips-for-long-distance-couples/0009741
  4. ↑ http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/m/marktwain133066.html
  5. ↑ http://www.twoofus.org/educational-content/articles/bridging-emotional-distance/index.aspx
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