Abstain from Sex With Your Long Term Boyfriend

Sexual abstinence can range from engaging in absolutely no sexual behavior to everything but penetrative intercourse. [1] Abstaining from sex with your long-term partner, whether from choice or necessity, is something many couples practice (whether they want to or not) during their relationship.[2] Your and your partner's reasons for practicing abstinence may derive from your religious beliefs or be medically necessary, but they can also be personally motivated. No matter the reason, and no matter your age or experience-level, implementing abstinence in a relationship can be challenging, particularly if you and your partner have already engaged in sexual activity. [3] If you're single and dating, your commitment to maintain abstinence should be a priority, not something you hide. In all cases, it's a good idea to put some thought, creativity and discussion into how being abstinent will affect you and your partner.

Steps

Defining Abstinence

  1. Formulate your reason(s) for sexual abstinence. Different people decide to become abstinent for different reasons.[4]
    • Consider: Is your reason religious or spiritual? Cultural or medical? Is sexual abstinence intentional or accidental? A combination of more than one?
  2. Decide on what you will and won't do, and why. This can involve kissing, embracing, erotic touching, foreplay and Intercourse, or none of the above.
    • If you aren't certain what you will or won't do, or should or shouldn't do, seek the advice of a trusted adult or counselor, including your religious leader or parent.
  3. Set your boundaries. Sexual boundaries separate what forms of sexual activity you will engage in from those you will not.
    • You are always entitled to set sexual boundaries!
  4. Maintain and refine your boundaries. In the process of maintaining your boundaries you may decide to tighten the ropes or loosen them, depending on how your relationship is shaping up. Don't be afraid to renegotiate your terms if something doesn't feel right.

Discussing Abstinence with Your Current Partner

  1. Make a date. During your date, take 10-15 minutes and write down what your pre-conceived notions of abstinence are at that time. Write also what you think abstinence in your relationship with your partner would be like.
    • Will you still hold hands, kiss and embrace? What will you miss (or what do you think you'll miss) by not having sex? Do you think there's a time abstinence will end? When could it end, and why? What does sex mean then, anyway?
  2. Exchange your thoughts. Share and discuss which features you and your partner have in common, and explore those you do not.
    • Is one of you more averse to the idea than the other? How does your religion, spirituality, ethics and goals play into your ideas about abstinence? Do you see it being more difficult for you or your partner? How can you encourage each other, and be a team during the difficult times?
    • Chances are all topics and concerns brought up will not be completely addressed in one sitting. It's okay to make a second date with your partner.
  3. Find common ground. Focus on the mutual nature of abstinence and make sure each of you feels comfortable with its requirements.
    • Discuss sexual fulfillment, and if you will pursue it together or alone. This can include masturbation, viewing pornography, etc., which can provide some form of sexual catharsis.
  4. Ask for help. If the discussion breaks down, seek the advice of a professional sex therapist. A sex therapist's job is to help people to deal with sexuality, both their own and in relationships. [5]

Discussing Abstinence with a Potential Partner

  1. Bring up the topic of abstinence early. This can be nerve-racking for sure, but it is important to discuss abstinence early on. Then you can decide if the relationship is worth pursuing.
  2. Discuss your and your potential partner's current sexual boundaries. Again, it's possible that your sexual boundaries expectations are different, so it's best to discuss it.
    • If you are physically attracted to your partner, talk about sex play, outercourse, and abstinence before, not after, you become (mutually) aroused.[6]
  3. Decide what intimate activities, for now, you both agree on to include and which you both will avoid.
    • If you're both okay with holding hands and kissing, and over the clothes caressing, then make that clear. If under the clothes is not okay, then be explicit about that too.
  4. Avoid activities and scenarios where sexual intercourse would be likely. This is easier said than done. See "Practicing Abstinence and Being (Mostly) Fulfilled" below, and cultivate your own!

Practicing Abstinence for Religious or Spiritual Reasons

  1. Make an appointment with your religious/spiritual leader. During this time, discuss the definition of abstinence for your religion/practice.
    • Don't be shy about asking for advice and clarification about your beliefs and understanding. It's important to understand the rules and their reasoning clearly.
    • Make sure you understand when abstinence can end, and under what circumstances.
  2. Take some time to think it over. It can be difficult to accept someone else's dictates regarding your behavior.
  3. Note the difficulties. If you have particular difficulty with any of the requirements of abstinence as dictated by your religious beliefs, make a note of them and see if they resolve in time or get worse.
    • Bring your difficulties to your religious/spiritual leader and ask for advice and support. Repeat as necessary.
  4. Discuss abstinence with your partner. Hopefully your partner is on the same page with you, but if not, expect to have several long conversations.
    • It's possible that you and/or your partner will want to break-up as a result of the decision to become abstinent. Try to be understanding, and remember that now you will have room in your life for someone willing to be abstinent with you.
    • If your partner is on the same page about practicing abstinence, great! But remember that everyone is different and they may still have difficulties. Request that they discuss their difficulties with you and with their religious/spiritual leader.
    • If your partner is not on the same page and doesn't want to be, consider reformulating the terms of the relationship. Remember, every person is free to choose their own path, and that involves making their own decisions about their sexuality.
    • If your partner is having difficulty with being abstinent in the relationship but wants to continue, ask them to accompany you to a meeting with your religious leader, so that their concerns and ideas can be heard and addressed.
  5. Don't have "sex" with your partner. Sex is defined differently for different religions and spiritual practices, so however it is defined by yours, follow it! [7]
    • If you think there is the possibility that you will have unprotected sex, use a condom and inform yourself about the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. [8]

Practicing Abstinence for Medical Reasons

  1. Follow your doctor's instructions regarding abstinence. In certain cases, your doctor may believe that a course of abstinence is necessary for you to heal from a difficult birth, an abdominal wound or surgery, or a trauma.
    • If permanent abstinence (i.e. involuntary celibacy) is recommended by your doctor, or if a medical condition has made involuntary celibacy required, chances are you and your partner will need long-term support.[9] Consider seeing a sex therapist in order to develop a plan for how to deal.[5]
    • It's possible that you and/or your partner will want to break-up as a result of the decision to become abstinent.[10] Try to be understanding, and remember that now you will have room in your life for someone who is willing to be abstinent with you.
  2. Share the information with your partner. Definitely communicate your doctor's instructions and your concerns to your partner. Be sure to inform your partner consistently and to include them in future discussions. This affects them, too.
    • If you and/or your partner finds they are having difficulty dealing with abstinence, consider seeing a professional sex therapist. This can be an opportunity to work on other facets of the relationship.[11]
  3. Communicate your concerns. Communicate challenges and concerns to your partner and to your doctor as they arise, and ask for clarification and explanation.
  4. Get creative. Medical abstinence may or may not include oral, vaginal, or anal sex or any of the manifold options of non-penetrative sexual activity. Work around the doctor's orders.
    • Maybe the loss of sex isn't something new to your relationship.[12]
    • As famous sex therapist Esther Perel says, "Sex is not something you do, it is a place that you go." Remember to explore and enjoy.

Practicing Abstinence and Being (Mostly) Fulfilled

  1. Use your words. Engage in erotic repartee. Exchange compliments and praise. Verbalize your feelings, thoughts, desires, dreams and interests.
  2. Cultivate sensuality. Hug your partner often and touch them gently. Smell and look nice for each other. Wear the outfits they tend to favor. Enjoy delicious beverages and meals together.
  3. Express affection. Hold hands, stroke hair, rub feet, neck, and shoulders. Laugh together.
  4. Get physical. Literally! Choose activities that get your blood pumping like hiking, biking, walking, running, swimming and wrestling!
  5. Go out. Spend time in your community, with your friends and family, and maybe even volunteer. Travel together. Hang out at coffee shops and wine bars instead of at home on the sofa.
  6. Be ready for surprises. Our sexuality runs deep, sometimes deeper than we know. It okay to be frustrated, to hit walls, and to have to regroup.
    • Remember what your reasons and goals are, and remove yourself from situations that pressure you one way or another (that includes friends and family).
    • Include your partner in these moments. Repeat as necessary.

Warnings

  • If you are forced to have sex against your will, that is rape. In most places rape is punishable by law, but in certain areas of the world the responsibility for rape lies not with the rapist, but with the person who was raped, and they may be severely punished, or even killed. Exercise extreme caution if you are in such an area. In all cases, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 [13]
  • Engaging in sexual activity of all kinds (oral, anal, and vaginal and so-called "outercourse") carries risks for acquiring and spreading sexually transmitted diseases. Learn how to protect yourself with vaccines and by using condoms regularly. [14][15]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://family.jrank.org/pages/8/Abstinence.html
  2. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/men/features/sexless-in-the-city
  3. ↑ http://sexetc.org/info-center/post/choosing-abstinence-after-youve-already-had-sex/
  4. ↑ https://healthservices.appstate.edu/pagesmith/172
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.aasect.org/referral-directory
  6. ↑ http:http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/abstinence
  7. ↑ http://www.carmma.org/update/influence-religious-beliefs-sexual-and-reproductive-health
  8. ↑ http://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/
  9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/16/sexless-marriage_n_4784676.html
  10. ↑ http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/09/sex-celibacy-friendships-women
  11. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/09/sexless-marriage_n_3869506.html
  12. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-krauss-whitbourne/sexless-marriage_b_5243719.html
  13. ↑ https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline
  14. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/20/opinion/lets-not-talk-about-sex-HPV-vaccine.html?_r=0
  15. ↑ http://www.cdc.gov/std/default.htm
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