Be Alone

Being alone means isolating yourself from other people or distractions, or perhaps even coping with the loss of a loved one. Maybe you're alone because you want to be; maybe you're alone and you don't want to be. Whatever it is, there is strength to be found in independence, and it's at your fingertips, ready for the taking. This article will explain to you several different ways of coping with being alone — whether it's because of a breakup, a sudden lack of friends, or because you've decided to be independent.

Steps

Being Alone After a Romantic Breakup

  1. Take stock of what you have. After you've broken up with your ex, it's easy to feel depressed. The person you'd shared your life with is no longer by your side. The things that were constant in your life no longer feel so safe. That's why it's important to take stock of what you have.
    • Think about or make a list of all the things that you do have. We often lose track of these things after a breakup. Focus on the intangibles, especially:
      • Family. They love you unconditionally, not for who they want you to be, but for who you are.
      • Friends. They have the ability to cheer you up during the darkest of times. Offer real perspective, and are people you can really talk to.
      • Experiences. You've done a lot of things in your life. Celebrate your accomplishments and risk-taking; it's what keeps you going.
      • Health. Hopefully you are healthy, even if you are temporarily lonely. Are any of your friends or loved-ones not healthy? Take stock of how lucky you are to be healthy.
  2. Remove any painful mementos. Those pictures of your ex you hung up? Take them down and put them in storage. Those love letters s/he wrote you? Shelve them in a box. Dredging up old memories will only make the healing process more difficult, unfortunately. Do the hard thing and put away any painful mementos.
    • It may seem refreshing, but destroying those mementos probably isn't a great idea. In the heat of the moment, take a little time to cool down and think about it. It's irreversible. You might later discover that holding onto those memories would have been the smarter thing to do. Be 100% sure the mementos are a bad influence in your life before you destroy them.
  3. Do something you've always wanted to do but never had the time for. A relationship can be a lot of work. That's why it's important to reward yourself when you do have time to. You probably sacrificed a lot to help the relationship grow. Now it's time to give yourself a little bit of:
    • Adventure. Travel someplace you've always wanted to travel. Maybe it's Calcutta, or maybe it's Charleston. Wherever it is, you'll find that exploring a different part of the world is downright exhilarating.
    • Excitement. Maybe you'd appreciate taking a self-defense class, or skydive, or signing up for a local half-marathon. Put a little excitement into your step by getting doing something thrilling or unexpected.
    • Fulfillment. It doesn't have to be "spiritual," but it should be fulfilling. A lot of people gain a lot of happiness and fulfillment by giving back to people less privileged than themselves.
  4. Go for a night out with your friends. Your friends probably know your predicament, which will give them an even bigger reason to show you a great time. Maybe you and the rest of your girls stay in for a movie night and give each other mani/pedis. Maybe you and the rest of your boys go out for a night on the town. Being with your friends will help you naturally get over the breakup instead of forcing you to feel okay with it all by yourself.
  5. Tell yourself the truth: There will be others out there. After a breakup, it's tempting to think that you'll never find someone as good/sweet/cute as the person you now call your ex. This is a mistake. Not only is there a good chance that you'll find someone else who's good, sweet, and cute, but there's also a chance that the next person you connect with is an improvement over your ex. That's personal growth, right there.
    • Start learning from your mistakes. Think about the mistakes that you or your ex made in your last relationship. Resolve to learn from them, to grow into a person who doesn't make the same mistake twice. Making a mistake is forgivable; refusing to learn from them is not.
  6. If you were in a hurtful relationship with your family, resist the urge to see them. Don't put yourself in a situation where you're likely to see him/her. It's probably best to make a clean break, and seeing the other person just magnifies the possibility of a messy entanglement. It hurts now, but it'll feel a whole lot better a month from now.
  7. Be patient. Don't expect to find someone a week after you just broke up. Relationships take time. Just like it's unreasonable to lose 20 pounds in a month, it's unreasonable to expect that you'll find another person to start loving right away. Things that you can do if your loneliness starts getting to you:
    • Be social. Nobody ever got a boyfriend or girlfriend by sitting around in their room alone, listening to Celine Dion or Kenny G. In order to find your next partner, you need to put yourself in social situations. That's where you're likely to have most success.
    • Rely on your friends. Ask your friends if they know anybody who's eligible, or someone who could set you up. It seems old-fashioned, but it works sometimes. Plus, beggars can't be choosers.
    • Don't let setbacks set you back permanently. Everyone has a bad date or gets rejected. If you've never had a bad date or gotten rejected, you're probably a little too choosy. Brush yourself off when the other person isn't right and put yourself right back out there.

Being Alone, Without Friends

  1. Love yourself. It sounds cheesy to say, but no one will love you if you don't first love yourself. Give yourself permission to love yourself, if you haven't already. You'll feel better about the fact that you're alone and about your chances of eventually smashing your loneliness.
    • Say something encouraging to yourself every day. Don't get too proud, but compliment yourself about something you do well. If you can't find a reason to compliment yourself, say something like "I love myself all by myself" and really believe it. It can be pretty uplifting.
  2. Lose yourself in your hobbies. Whatever your hobbies are, lose yourself in them. They give you lasting happiness and pleasure. As long as they aren't illegal and don't hurt people, they're perfectly acceptable. Having a social hobby gives you an opportunity to meet new people, as well. Seize every opportunity you get to turn your hobby into a social occasion.
  3. Focus on becoming a better person. This is a lesson that applies to every single person, but it's true here especially. And it's not true that you don't have friends because you're a bad person. It just means that you probably have more time on your hands, which means you have the opportunity to use that time productively:
    • Treat your body well. Take long walks, preferably in nature. Run and swim and bike to your destinations. Join an intramural sports team so that you can be competitive and build a bit of muscle while you're at it.
    • Think about developing a new skill. This is purely for yourself, not to impress other people. Maybe you know C++ and you want to learn Java; maybe you're an ace on the balance beams and still need to master the pommel horse; maybe you know how to play guitar but still could learn the banjo. The world is your oyster!
  4. Learn from your social interactions. There's a chance your lack of friends is purely circumstances or bad luck. In that case, you'll probably end up with friends in no time flat. But there's also a chance your lack of friends is because you haven't been picking up on social cues, and could learn a little bit in that department.
    • Pay attention to:
      • People's body language. Do smiles turn into smirks? Does getting too close to another person cause them to take a couple steps back? Your words and your body will have a visible effect on other people's bodies, if you learn to look.
      • What people tell you without actually saying it. "Yesterday I went to Coachella" is really just an invitation for you to ask them how awesome it was.
      • Not dominating the conversation. Let other people talk once in a while; on the other hand, don't be a mute. Learn to ask questions of people and volunteer information so that you keep the conversation going.
  5. Go online for people who may share your interests and passions. Internet communities are excellent places for you to find people who may be unusually shy in person, but who are unusually forthcoming online. Maybe it sounds weird to you, but try it out. You could find a treasure-trove of like-minded individuals who are fun and exciting to be around.
  6. Take social chances. Nothing is ever a sure bet, but life rewards people who reward themselves. If you're never putting yourself in situations where you could fail socially, you're probably being too shy. Go and talk to a friendly-looking person. Invite an old friend over for tea. Introduce yourself to a group of strangers and ask a provoking question. Fortune favors the bold.

Deciding to Be Alone and Independent

  1. Determine your surroundings. If it is not possible to be alone in your surroundings then leave the area and find a quiet place undisturbed by other organisms. Such places include the forest, your own room, or a quiet outdoor park.
  2. Free yourself from distractions, such as electronic communication devices. (Cellphone, etc.) You may wish to keep an iPod or other music playing device with you in order to block out noise if you cannot find a quiet enough area.
  3. Start your activity. Whether you have chosen to be alone in order to have time to yourself to think or to finish reading a novel, this is the perfect time to get it done.
  4. Remind yourself of the importance of independence. Learning how to be independent is a skill. Independence means that you don't have to rely on other people for help. Independence means that you determine the outcome of your actions, not anyone else. Once you think of the benefits of independence rather than its disadvantages, you'll find yourself a lot happier.
    • If you need a little inspiration, think of these quotes about independence that might help you adjust to being alone:
      • "I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will." - Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre
      • "Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing." - Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead
      • "To find yourself, think for yourself." - Socrates
  5. Lose yourself in your activity. Put your heart and soul into whatever you are doing. That way, you won't think about being alone — you'll distract yourself from being distracted. Humans are naturally social creatures: we crave attention from other people, and recognition from our peers. If you lose yourself in your activity, you'll be a lot less likely to care about that stuff.
  6. Balance out your time alone with time spent being alongside other people. As much as you might think that being alone is all you'll ever need, it's probably not healthy. In fact, being with other people from time to time will help you be alone.
    • Think of it like this: We need to recharge certain batteries. When we're tired, we need to sleep. When we're hungry, we need to eat. When we're lonely, we need to be around other people. Being around other people will help you "recharge your battery," hopefully enough so that you'll feel energized by and excited about the idea of being alone again.



Tips

  • This is a good way to relax, so wear comfortable clothing and don't try to impress anyone. There won't be anyone to impress!
  • Be happy and love yourself. Indulge yourself in activity. Don't think about anyone. Don't try to impress others. Don't dwell on our past. Walk towards your future.

Warnings

  • If you do not feel comfortable for safety reasons without your cell phone or other communication device, bring it but leave it in your pocket and on silent or off if at all possible.
  • Be sure the area you are going to is safe. It is best to carry this strategy out in daytime.
  • Don't stay alone too long. We all need people. If there is some activity needing you to be alone for long time, it is best to inform your friends about it. You can't disappear suddenly, emerge out of blue later and think people will throw their arms around you.

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