Be in a Relationship Without Your Parents Knowing

Do you have a relationship you need to hide from your parents? Are your parents unreasonable, abusive, or just a bit too conservative? Whether you’re keeping it a secret because you’re too young or because you parents won’t approve due to their values, hiding your relationship can be challenging. While you could risk losing your parents' trust if they ever find out, you don't want to put yourself in harms way or compromise your values. Communication, honesty, and trust are essential to any relationship but sometimes you need to be less than truthful for your own mental and physical health.

Steps

Examining Why You Should Hide Your Relationship

1. Evaluate your priorities. Decide if it's actually a good idea to keep your relationship from your parents. Do your parents disapprove of your relationship because they are strict, protective or worrisome? Does culture, religion, or an age difference factor into their disapproval? While your parents have the benefit of life experience, only you know what your relationship is worth.
   • Talk to your friends and support system. Remember that if you keep your relationship a secret, the greater the potential problems will be when it comes to light. You have a support system to help guide you in the right direction.
2. Communicate with your partner. If you want to pursue your relationship despite knowing that your parents will disapprove, let your partner know why you think that this is the right course of action. Your partner may feel less important and bring resentment to your relationship if you don't clarify your stance. The longer you hide, the more difficult it is going to be.
   • Your partner may have a valid argument if she has been through this situation before. For example, just because it is your first interracial relationship, it may not be the first time for your partner. She may have practical advice to help you understand where your parents are coming from and, above all else, having her support can help ease your stress.
3. Consider the opinions of your parents. It may be difficult to hear negative opinions about someone you care about but sometimes your parents may have a better perspective on long term outcomes. Depending on your dynamic with your parents, they may have trouble articulating their disapproval.
   • Relationships with parents can be complicated. It may be difficult to be open and honest but keep your communication respectful so as not to escalate the situation. For example, while you may think that you are hiding your emotions, you actually may be coming off passive aggressive or snarky.
4. Remember all healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and communication. Whether you are trying to strengthen your relationship with your partner or maintain the relationship with your parents, trust and respect have to be present for a lasting relationship. If you plan on hiding your relationship, ask yourself why sacrificing your parents trust is the only option. Physical and emotional well-being should not be sacrificed for anyone, including your parents or partner.
   • Will your parents become physically or verbally abusive if they found out about your relationship? Is any aspect of your relationship a conflict to your parents’ beliefs? If your parents’ disapproval is based on prejudice or if their reaction is abusive, seek professional help. Your mental and physical health is your first priority.

Overcoming Overbearing Parents

1. Be mature. Your parents will always be protective so show them that you are old enough to handle the responsibilities of a relationship. Firstly, show your parents that you are responsible and can follow all rules. If your parents think you are too young for a relationship, be on time, do your chores, and study. If you can gain your parents trust, then your parents will soon realize that you are mature enough to handle a relationship.
2. Understand the risks of premarital sex. Parents often forbid relationships for fear of unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infection. Ensure that you and your partner truly understand these risks. There is a real possibility that if you are not prepared and you do have an unwanted pregnancy or contract an std, your parents may not be there to support you.You may not agree with your parents rules but communicate with your partner and respect each other's boundaries to ensure you are both prepared and safe.
   • Know that you should be respected by your significant other and that they should listen to your choices. Compromise is vital in a relationship but this is one area where neither party should have to compromise their beliefs. Know that if you are eager to take the relationship to another level but your partner isn't ready, you have a duty to respect their choice. Never pressure your partner.
3. Avoid PDA moments. Be discreet about your affection. You never know who is watching. A trusted friend may accidentally tell your parents in passing, not knowing that your relationship is a secret.
   • Stealing kisses in public and other forms of PDA may seem harmless but remember that if your parents find out they may think that your relationship has already crossed further into the intimacy threshold.
4. Put a password in your cell phone and computer. If your parents know your passwords, change them so that you can message your partner with impunity. However, if you have been using a family computer with no password, it will be suspicious if you suddenly put one on.
   • Delete all the messages on your phone when you sleep or leave your phone unattended.
   • Erase browsing history after you have been online. However, this may look suspicious if the browser history has never been erased on a shared device.
   • In case your parents check your phone, either don’t put your partner’s number in your phone or use your partner’s nickname or surname instead of his actual first name. It is also possible to use the masculine or feminine form of their name. For example, Brian becomes Brianna and Stephanie becomes Stephen.
5. Tell your partner not to post anything on social media sites or send instant messages. If you have a social media account or use other instant messaging apps, your parents could check up on you or hear from someone else with access to your account.
   • Create an alternate account that you can use to be romantic with your partner. This is a very useful tool when dealing with long distance relationships.
6. Have a cover. You can ask a trustworthy friend to corroborate stories to your parents if you're on a date. Such a friend can also be a great cover-up for phone calls or texts.
   • If your friend has concerns about your partner or refuses to continue being your alibi, heed her advice. It’s easy to think that one source is wrong but if multiple sources are telling you not to continue your relationship, perhaps it’s best to listen to their logic.
7. Hide gifts. Hide all the gifts you receive from your partner or keep gifts at her place. You're going to draw attention from your parents if you suddenly lock your closet or room. You can also agree to treat each other to lunches or movies rather than giving physical gifts.

Managing Collateral

1. Prevent your friends from commenting about your relationship to anyone. Whether it's telling people in passing or posting on each other's social media pages, convey how catastrophic it would be if their innocent comment made its way to your parents. Social media can be especially dangerous because you never know who is connected to whom.
   • Ask your friends politely not to post any incriminating comments or pictures. It may be a wise idea not to let anyone take any pictures when you are in a group setting with your significant other.
2. Use multiple social media accounts. The great thing about social media is that the larger sites are free. Set up as many accounts as you need to cover your tracks. Remember your password and only log on when using a device not shared with your parents.
3. Set up a shell email account. Not would a fake email account be advantageous because your parents won't recognize it, but you should also use it to set up your fake social media account. Remember that your parents can search for you on social media based on your email info.
4. Adjust your privacy settings on social media. All social media will give you an option to filter what information you share with the public. Go to the Settings Menu and set up your profile so that only you and your partner have access to it. You can also select a few friends to be able to view your profile if you deem them trustworthy.
   • You will have the opportunity to filter your updates and postings so that you can block your parents from seeing. However, the best way to block your parents from seeing is not to post anything incriminating at all.
5. Provide false information when creating shared social media accounts or when together in a public gathering. Remember that your parents can search social media sites via your date of birth, phone number, last name, school, or job. Don't make the mistake of creating a false account without ensuring every detail won't lead back to you.
   • Change your profile name completely. Don't use your middle name, your name spelled backwards, or the name of your dog. Anything remotely close to you may end up giving you away in the long run. It's better to exercise extreme caution.
6. Hide your emotions. If you get into an argument with your partner, try not to show your parents how angry or sad you are. Don't emote in public for it to get back to your parents. Find an outlet to release your emotions. It may be difficult to be unable to share your emotions so research ways to prevent emotional outbursts.
   • For example, taking up boxing may work to vent frustration while listening to upbeat music in headphones may be enough to cheer you up after an argument with your partner. Only you know how to handle your emotions.
7. Keep track of what you are telling everyone. If you are lying to a lot of people, it will become difficult to keep track of all the details. Keep your stories consistent and try to keep it as simple as possible. The more details you add, the more difficult it will be to remember them all.
8. Frame your partner as a platonic relationship. Don't let your parents get suspicious you are hiding a relationship from them by letting them know that you have a platonic relationship with your partner that demands your time. Introduce them openly and talk about them the same as any other platonic relationship in your life.
   • For example, if you introduce them as your coworker, you can talk about work related issues and meetings and how you and your partner have supported one another through deadlines.
9. Change your routine. Meet your partner at places that you would not normally go to and that your parents are not aware of. Change your social calendar so that you leave no chance of getting caught by your parents or someone who could tell your parents. Better yet, find out your parents schedule. Not only will you be able to have piece of mind knowing where your parents are but you will also be able to meet your partner as far away from them as you can.

Dealing with a Difference in Age

1. Ask yourself if you feel like yourself around your partner. Your partner should accept you for who you are and your parents may not be able to see beyond the age difference. Once your parents see that your relationship is healthy and that you are a better person for it, it will be easier for them to see beyond the age gap.
2. Keep perspective. It’s easy to get swept up in the allure of dating someone older or younger than you. Look ahead and see if the age difference will affect you in anyway. Your parents may be fearful that the age gap may widen as your relationship continues.
   • A difference in age may be more of a big deal if you are younger. Your parents may be fearful that you are growing up too soon or that an older partner is taking advantage of you. Take their perspective into account when continuing your relationship.
3. Understand any power dynamics. If your partner is your teacher or boss, it’s prudent to know the rules. Your parents may rest easier knowing that everyone is protected from any legal actions.

Dealing with Your Parents’ Different Values

1. Surround yourself with people who are supportive. If you must hide your relationship because of a difference in values -- whether religious or cultural -- seek the help of people who have been in similar situations. Bide time to help your parents and/or partner adjust to the situation. By surrounding yourself with caring and respectful people, you can rise above your parents’ closed mindedness if they are unwilling to change.
2. Support your partner. Assure your partner that they are cared for and that you don’t agree with your parents but don’t want to lose your relationship with them. Build his confidence that your parents opinion won’t have a negative impact on your relationship. Let him know that he is more important than your parent’s approval and that the secrecy is temporary.
   • You don’t need to put a time limit but it can be expected that your partner may give you an ultimatum. No one wants to be in a relationship that their partner is ashamed to be in. Be prepared to choose between telling your parents or losing your partner.
3. Don’t take a side. This isn’t about who is right or wrong, this is about how you define family and your own values. Everyone will have to learn to respect and accept one another if you want to have them in your life. Be strong in your own values and communicate respectfully that you are unwilling to compromise that.
   • Hiding your relationship should not be permanent. It may take time for your parents to realize that only you know what’s best for you. If it means losing your parents, that is for them to decide. Being true to yourself is what's most important for your mental, emotional and physical health.

Tips

• Try talking to your parents about what age you can have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
• Tell your partner immediately if you must hide your relationship from your parents as soon as possible. It will save you some very unpleasant conversations.
• Make sure your partner understands the gravity of the situation, otherwise they may tell others.
• Think about why it would be so bad telling your parents. What's the worst thing that can happen? If you feel ready, you should tell them.
• Most importantly, if you really love this person, you’ll want to tell everyone. Nothing is better than being honest to yourself and your family.

Warnings

• You will have to pay more attention to details in order to not get found out.
• You might feel unhappy for not being able to talk about it.
• Keeping up a lie can be very taxing. You may unintentionally reveal yourself.
• Lying to your parents may be extremely difficult. Understand that you may never be able to regain their trust if they find out. Don’t force yourself to go against your better judgement.
• Most times, if there is something to hide, there is something wrong. Be aware that keeping your social life hidden can be very dangerous. While hidden in secrecy, it leaves your parents unable to protect or defend you in the event that something goes wrong.
• You will not be able to ask your parents for comfort if the relationship ends or gets difficult.
• When no one knows where you are or who you are with, it makes it very hard to seek justice in the event that a crime should occur.

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Get Any Boy to Fall in Love With You
• Tell a Guy You Like Him
• Be a Side Chick
• Talk to a Girl You Would Like to Date but Are Too Afraid to Approach
• Start Talking to Your Parents About Your First Relationship
• Be a Good Girlfriend in Middle School
• Act Around Girls
• Get a Girl to Like You when She Has a Boyfriend
• Be Big and Still Get a Girl
• Handle Boys when You're a Teenage Girl

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