Boost Your Girlfriend's Self Esteem

Girls today are constantly bombarded with messages about how to look and act: be rail-thin but curvy, sexy but not provocative or invitational, perfect-looking but not trying too hard, better than "other girls" but not unfeminine, have interests in what you want but only "girly" things, and so forth. This leaves a lot of girls feeling insecure about their looks and personalities. However, as a boyfriend, there are ways to help your girlfriend see everything she is to you and that she's more than just her flaws.

Steps

Showing Your Love

1. Make her feel special. This can be done by getting her little gifts you see in your day, picking her flowers, texting or calling her randomly during the day, taking photos to say "This reminded me of you," making her food, and planning special things just for her.
   • Take into account her interests and favorite things. Some girls think that the perfect surprise date is a walk on the beach, others prefer a hike through the woods, and some would rather sit in front of the TV with popcorn and a warm blanket.
2. Be yourself around her. As simple as it seems, showing her that you're comfortable around her demonstrates trust and respect. It encourages her to be herself around you too.
3. Compliment her. She may not always believe you, but the positive words will slowly but surely help her feel more confident in herself.
   • Give her compliments that uniquely describe her. "You're funny" is a generic compliment that is easy to shrug off. "Your sci-fi satires are hilarious" is much more specific, and is harder to discount.
   • Talk about things besides her beauty. Compliment her personality, her intelligence, or her kindness too.
   • Use your vocabulary. Try words like magnificent, gorgeous, radiant, et cetera. Perhaps it's a little cheesy, but many girls love it.
   • Does she think something is a flaw? Challenge that perspective. Tell her that you love her freckles, her gap teeth, her strong opinions, or the way she snorts when she giggles. Explain that because it's part of her, you think it's adorable.
4. Take part in her interests. If she's in robotics club, ask to come see the robot she's working on sometime. If she's autistic, come to an autistic pride event. Engaging in her interests helps her know that you care about her, and care about the things that matter to her.
5. Be there for her. Listen thoughtfully to her, and offer your services as a sounding board or shoulder to cry on when she's sad. This will strengthen your relationship and help her work through her problems.
   • Practice basic sympathy techniques: "I'm really sorry to hear that." "So you're worried about your brother, huh?" "That stinks."
   • Ask her how you can help. Depending on the situation, she may want advice, help fixing the problem, or just someone to listen to her.

Handling Rough Times

1. Don't get angry if she doesn't accept your compliments. Sometimes insecure girls wrongly think that guys are lying or flattering when they are trying to genuinely compliment her. She's not doing this as a way to fish for compliments or attention; she genuinely thinks that she is too ugly or worthless to deserve those compliments.
   • If she doesn't believe you, defuse the argument and walk away.
   • If this becomes a pattern, then she may have serious self-esteem issues or a mental illness such as depression. She may need to see a therapist in order to overcome it.
2. Challenge her negative thinking. This will help her realize that she isn't being fair to herself, and teach her how to stop her bad thoughts in their tracks. Become a kind and gentle voice that defends her from her self-hatred.
   • Contradict her when she says something negative about herself. For example, if she says "Nobody wants to see this in a bikini," then you can reply, "Really? I would."
   • Tell her that you don't like her negative self-talk. For example, "Hey, nobody talks about my girlfriend that way." Then smile at her and gently contradict her.
   • Notice dangerous questions. For example, if she asks, "Do you think I'm fat?" then cut to the heart of the problem. Tell her that she's beautiful, and ask why she's asking.
3. Be patient with her. Life is rough for insecure girls, and they may blame themselves or start a downward spiral if they think you're mad at them.
4. If her insecurity is getting out of control, distract her. A spontaneous gesture of love can interrupt her bad feelings and cheer her up. Try getting her out of the house: taking her to a movie, going on a hike, exploring a different part of town, attending a carnival, going to one of her favorite places, et cetera. It'll quiet the voice telling her that she's worthless, and she'll look back on it later with fond memories of what a great boyfriend you are.
5. Take good care of yourself. Practicing healthy habits will help you feel good and have the energy to be a good boyfriend. Maintain a balanced life, with plenty of sleep, exercise, and time spent on hobbies and other things you like. Your mental health is important.

Helping Her Self-Esteem

1. Treat other girls with respect, and don't trash-talk them. Being judgmental towards other girls will tell her that judgmental remarks are okay and normal for her to experience, both from other people and from herself.
   • Avoid comparing her to other women. Many insecure women compare themselves too much and forget to look at their intrinsic worth.
   • If you respond judgmentally to other girls (e.g. "she's such a hoe" or "girls who plaster their faces in makeup are so fake"), then you'll just be increasing the insecurity of other women.
2. Try introducing her to feminism. Feminism, particularly the body positivity movement, has helped many women recognize their struggles and feel better about themselves. Feminism can teach her to stop judging her appearance so harshly and become a more confident person.
   • Don't worry about her turning into a man-hater: studies show that feminists actually feel less hostile towards men than non-feminists do.
   • Consider becoming a feminist ally yourself. This will encourage your girlfriend to adopt a healthier attitude towards herself and you.
3. Write a list of all the things you love about her. Find the little things, such as the way her nose wrinkles when she laughs, or how her eyes squint when she smiles. Keep the list for yourself, give it to her on a bad day, or "accidentally" let it sit out where she'll find it laying there and maybe she will pick it up and read it.
4. Always treat your girlfriend with compassion and respect. With you, she will feel happy and safe when she is around you for being kind and funny to her.

Tips

• Patience is key. Remember that this isn't her fault.
• Always be nice
• Never be intentionally hurtful with your words during a fight or argument, that may be unforgivable

Warnings

• If you find that she's constantly feeling insecure, or that her worries are spiraling off the deep end, then she may be dealing with a mental illness.

Related Articles

• Deal with a Depressed Boyfriend/Girlfriend

Sources and Citations

See also

• Balance Others' Feelings with Your Own
• Support Someone Whose Child Is Hospitalized
• Stop Bad Examples from Hurting Your Relationship
• Talk About Daily Stress with Your Partner
• Give a Guy Space
• Change Someone Else's Behavior
• Know when Someone Likes You
• Understand What a Relationship Means
• Get Someone to Like You
• Impress Your Friends

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