Avoid Getting Romantically Involved with the Wrong Person

It can be difficult finding romance. In the U.S. there are approximately 87 million people who are single and looking for a romantic relationship.[1] When looking for someone to be romantic with, it's important that you look for the right qualities. Getting involved with the wrong person can be an emotionally draining experience. Luckily, there are many ways to avoid getting involved with someone who isn’t right for you, such as by evaluating the person’s character, breaking bad habits, and putting yourself first.

Steps

Evaluating a Person’s Character

  1. Get to know the person before getting intimate. Go on dates with the person to determine who they are. When people become sexually intimate, endorphins are released in their brains which produces pleasure, and can create an emotional attachment.[2] This could cloud your judgement on someone who isn’t objectively a good partner. Instead of being influenced by emotion, get to know the person you want to get romantic with.
    • When you go on dates with the person, talk to them and see if you feel happy around them.
    • Consider what interests you share, how easily conversation flows, and how well you get along.
  2. Get to know the person’s close friends. A good indication of a person’s personality is the company that they keep. A person without good social supports like family or close friends may be more likely to experience a decline in physical and mental health.[3]
    • Friends are not always an indication of exactly who the person is, but can give you insight into what the person likes in people, their moral code, and what they find acceptable in others.
    • Friends can also influence people’s decision making, whether it’s being responsible or indulging in things.[4]
  3. Look for red flags in the other person. Some common red flags include being immature, irresponsible, unpredictable, or controlling. Not having a job or skipping school are two signs that you may not be able to rely on them for support. If you feel insecure about the relationship as a result of this, then spend some time evaluating the other person.[5]
    • If the person is physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive, then leave the relationship immediately.
    • If the person speaks about their exes obsessively, or in an aggressive way, this could be a sign that they aren't ready for a new relationship.[6]
  4. Ask the person’s friends how they acted in previous relationships. Once you get more comfortable around a person’s friends, you can ask them questions about how that person was in previous relationships, or who they are according to their friend’s perspective.
    • If the person is good dating material, usually their friends will talk about the positive aspects of their personality.
    • If their friends talk about problems, drama, fighting, or anger, you may want to steer clear of the person you have your eye on.
    • It’s important to identify the behavior of the person you are interested in, not the unfortunate circumstances of his past relationships.
  5. Talk to the person about their core values. Core values are a set of firmly held beliefs that dictate how you live your life and how you value those around you.[7] You don’t have to be direct here, but you can ask them about what their spiritual, social, moral, and political beliefs are.
    • Ask the person about their stance on monogamy and commitment. If these differ from your views, don’t get romantic with the person.
    • You can also ask questions to determine how much they value money, passion, romance, or career. Think about how well their responses match up with your own life goals.
  6. Take note of times you feel uncomfortable or angry around the person. Romance should be about joy, passion, and excitement. When two people are together, they should be positive influences in each other’s lives, not a constant source of anger or anxiety.
    • If you feel uncomfortable or angry more often than you feel happy and motivated, then this person is probably not the right person for you.

Breaking Bad Habits

  1. Evaluate past relationships. There’s a good possibility that if you get romantically involved with the wrong person, that this is due to relationship patterns that you developed in childhood. Think of recurring themes in your relationships, what went wrong, the kind of people you typically date, and what actions led up you to becoming romantically involved with the wrong person in the past.[8]
    • Try to be as honest with yourself as you can be when evaluating past relationships. It may be hard to reflect on these past relationships, but it’s a critical step to improving.
    • If you can determine a similar trait in the people you’ve dated in the past, you can make sure to specifically look out for that in future relationships.
  2. Change your expectations. Sometimes people’s expectations of other people can be unrealistic when it comes to romance. While you do not have to lower your standards, you may want to think critically about your expectations when looking for a person, and consider whether your expectations are realistic or unattainable. Try making a list of your expectations and examine them one by one to see if they are realistic and attainable.
    • For example, if one of your expectations is "the person must be rich," then this might not be realistic. However, you could revise this to something like, "I want to become involved with someone who has a stable job and some ambition."
    • Sometimes people’s expectations of a person are high in areas that don’t matter in the long run, like how attractive or trendy the person is, but low in areas that actually matter like personality, humor, or temperament.
    • Movies and TV shows can also alter your expectations of a romantic relationship. Do not rely on entertainment to form your idea of a healthy romantic relationship.[9]
  3. Look beyond physical attraction. Our prefrontal cortex determines whether we find someone physically attractive within milliseconds, but cannot determine the character of a person within that same period of time.[10] If you regularly get romantically involved with the wrong person, it could be because your brain is tricking you into thinking that the person is an ideal match based upon looks alone.
    • Take your time with the person and be objective when basing your opinion on them.
    • Do not let things go that you normally wouldn’t because you find the person attractive. For example, if the person is rude to you, do not let this go simply because you find him or her attractive.
    • The best balance in a romantic relationship is someone that you find emotionally, mentally, and physically attractive.
  4. Talk to your friends about your dating habits and the person you’re interested in. Your friends will have a more objective view of the person you are and what may be good in a partner for you.[8] Use your friends collective advice to avoid getting into the same situation, and introduce your friend to new potential romantic interests so that they can tell you if they think that the person is a good match for you.
    • If you ask your friends about an aspect of your personality and they say something negative, don’t get mad or else they may stop giving genuine feedback.
    • If your friends encourage you to try to date a person you may not initially like, take a chance and see if their opinions have any merit.
  5. Think about experiences that may shape your dating habits. Your childhood, and how you were raised can significantly influence how you approach and react to romantic relationships.[11] In addition, past negative experiences in relationships can also alter your views and dating habits. Make sure to keep these negative experiences in mind, and look at them from an analytical view so you can overcome bad habits.
    • If you’ve been in bad relationships in the past, you don’t have to repeat that in the future. Identify how and why the relationship went bad, the type of person they were, and how to avoid it in the future. For example, a past relationship might not have worked because the person was not ready for a commitment. Perhaps he or she was more interested in a casual relationship. You might be able to avoid a similar situation by mentioning your interest in something long-term earlier in the relationship, such as on your second or third date.
    • If you continually date the same type of person, take a chance and get romantic with someone who does not share similar traits of the people you’ve dated in the past. For example, if you tend to date outgoing women, but you are more of an introvert, then you might try to find a girl who is more of an introvert as well.

Putting Yourself First

  1. Find a relationship that makes you happy. Don’t sacrifice your own happiness for someone else. Your happiness is paramount, and while you may be tempted to put other people’s lives over yours, keep in mind that romance should not detract from the rest of your life. Romantic relationships should, and can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually rewarding without being a detriment to the other aspects of your life.
    • If being romantically involved with someone means putting your life on hold, reevaluate the relationship.
  2. Think about what you want in a partner and go for them. Instead of waiting for someone to come to you, seek people who fit your criteria. After you determine what would be good in a romantic relationship, seek those people out in social situations.
    • You can write down a check-list of ideal qualities in a romantic relationship and strive for them.[12]
    • For example, perhaps you want someone who loves to read, enjoys spending time in nature, and who listens to you.
  3. Try to be patient. Don’t be desperate for romance. Desperation often leads people to do things they wouldn’t normally do. In addition, desperation can actually make you less attractive to the people around you.[13]
    • Do not get obsessed with the idea of being romantically involved with someone to the point where you lose all selectivity when looking for someone.
    • If you feel impatient, try to remind yourself that you are waiting for the right person and it will be worth the wait.
  4. Keep your personal goals in sight. Don’t neglect your career for romance. If romance is on your mind, it may be hard to concentrate on other things, but it’s important to keep your own personal priorities and goals in mind. Determine what you want to do in your life other than your romantic or social relationships, and make sure to strive for those goals.
    • You can balance romance and career or school, just make sure that you’re allocating enough time in both to make it rewarding.[14]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.pewinternet.org/2006/02/13/romance-in-america/
  2. ↑ http://healthpsychology.org/how-to-achieve-intimacy/
  3. ↑ http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/clark.html
  4. ↑ http://press.uchicago.edu/pressReleases/2014/May/0522JCRlowe.html
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201407/10-relationship-red-flags
  6. ↑ http://www.self.com/wellness/relationships/2015/12/relationship-red-flags-never-ignore/
  7. ↑ http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-your-core-values-in-relationships-no-theyre-not-your-common-interests/
  8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 http://www.psychalive.org/relationship_advice/
  9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/18/love-study-_n_5508965.html
  10. ↑ http://www.livescience.com/24593-brain-love-dating-decisions.html
  11. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4120819/
  12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201407/how-we-choose-romantic-partners-and-how-we-can-do-it-better
  13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-blind-matchmaker/200910/thin-slices-desperation
  14. ↑ http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/choosing-a-career-over-love/
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