Confront Someone Who's Giving You the Silent Treatment

Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don't know why? Is someone who's normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing. It's time to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

Steps

Deciphering the Possibilities

  1. Make sure you're not just being paranoid. Sometimes, it's not about you at all. Perhaps he or she is being quiet because someone in his or her family is ill or is having personal problems. In this case, you shouldn't take it personally. Perhaps back off a little and leave some space. However, withdrawing from friends can be a feature of depression, so sometimes reaching out may be exactly what your friend needs. But if you notice that this person is only acting quietly towards you and not towards others for an extended period of time, then you may have reason to be concerned.
  2. Examine if this is a pattern. Has this person done this before? Does s/he try to control or "punish" you in other ways? If so, ask yourself whether this is a relationship you want to maintain. See How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship.
  3. Question your own behavior. When did the silent treatment start? What happened that day or in the days just before the behavior changed? Could you have done or said something insensitive? Try to understand what could set off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of ways you can fix the situation.

Confronting the Person

  1. Rehearse what you're going to say. You want to feel like you said what you needed to say, so plan it ahead of time. It's easy to get nervous or defensive, or to come off the wrong way if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with this person and say out loud what you want to say. Listen to the way you make your statement and adjust your tone if need be.
  2. Speak in private. Speak to the person when you're alone and are unlikely to be interrupted.
  3. Test the waters with humor. If the person is just in a bad mood, you might be able to lighten the mood with a little bit of playfulness.
  4. Begin by apologizing. If you believe you did something to offend or hurt the person, even if you're not sure what it is, say something like, "I'm so sorry if I've done or said something stupid to you." This is one of the few times where it's okay to use the word "if" while attempting to apologize.
  5. Say that you value the friendship. Use statements like, "I've really enjoyed spending time/working with you." or "Please help me out here, because I appreciate your friendship so much."
  6. Express how this makes you feel. The cold shoulder is painful to the recipient. Let this person know that you do sincerely want to work things through, but if that's not going to happen in the near future, you may not continue "volunteering" to be frozen out.
    • Example: "It really hurts that you're shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we could put this behind us. If this continues much longer, I'm going to need to stop waiting and just assume that you do not want to be friends anymore. I don't want to do that, which is why I'm telling you now."
  7. Pay attention to your tone. If you did do something to start this, you want to make sure your tone doesn't indicate that you think s/he is being overly sensitive or is acting stupidly. S/he, after all, may feel hurt in some way, and a snide or patronizing tone will only make things worse between you.

After The Confrontation

  1. Be open to whatever they have to say. Let him or her know that if there's a problem, you're all ears. It's important to know why s/he is giving you the silent treatment. Moreover, people want to know you understand what you are apologizing for.
  2. Offer to walk away. After all, a silent treatment indicates that he or she no longer wants to speak with you for whatever reason. If you have tried to discover the problem, but s/he won't share or discuss the reason, there's not much else you can do. At this point, ask directly, "So you just don't want to work this out? You don't want to talk to me or be friends any more?" If the answer is yes, s/he wants you to leave him or her alone. If s/he says no or that she isn't sure, then say something like, "Okay, well, since you're not ready yet, take some more time. I'm here whenever you feel ready to talk again." Leave the burden of calling or initiating contact to them, so that they can have the space and time that they need.
  3. Try only once. This can be the hardest part - after you have apologized and attempted to understand what is going on, you have done your part. Now, it is up to the other person to step up and begin communicating with you. If s/he does not, that is their decision. You cannot fix this without cooperation from them.

Tips

  • If you make the person feel pressured to tell you what's on his or her mind, or if you offer guilt or more coldness in return, you might reinforce the behavior and miss a chance to save the relationship.
  • If you're not sure whether it's the silent treatment, try asking more generic questions like, "You've been a bit quiet lately. Is anything wrong?"
  • Your objective should not be to accuse him/her, or even to defend yourself. Rather, it should be to let the person know that you didn't mean to offend or insult, you've tried to understand his or her point of view, and that you agree to hear him or her out fully. You also want to make clear that if s/he wants to keep the reasons to themselves and end your friendship, you'll respect his or her wishes.
  • Keep in mind that no one should be obligated to speak to you. Everyone has the right not to speak to anyone they like. If someone else has made that choice and chooses not to reconsider, your role becomes finding a way to accept that. At some point, it's no longer about the other person. It's now about you finding the maturity to let it be.
  • If your friend tells you what you have done is wrong, don't deny it. even if you disagree with how you acted. Try to show them that it's not true with actions. But don't say straight away "No I don't!"
  • When expressing your feelings, begin with "I feel, I want," not "you". Don't ever start with "you". It triggers defensiveness. You should not presume the intent of others. We aren't mind readers.
  • If you don't know what you did wrong, ask one of your other friends and see if they know. They will most likely help you out.
  • Try to think back to something you may have done to them or a different friend and ask them what is the reason for their silence and try to apologize. However, if they say no or continue ignoring you then try to persuade them (in a friendly manner) to tell you what's up. Remember not to go over the top and demand answers as it will make the situation worse!
  • Do not get angry with them. That will make it worse. Just stay cool. These things take time.
  • Allow time for them to soak in any apologies for anything you may or may not have said or done to offend/hurt them. Give them a few days before you initiate contact, if they respond, it's a good sign that they want to continue the friendship.

Warnings

  • If this is happening on a regular basis, it can be a form of emotional abuse. In an abusive relationship, even if you do everything "right," you will never be able to stop the abuse completely.
  • Don't feel guilty for failing as a mind reader. You can do your best to understand why this person no longer wants to associate with you, but for him or her to clam up and expect you to figure things out on your own is unrealistic and exhibits poor communication skills.
  • If he/she accepts the apology, drop the subject and part ways until you and the other party can start a new encounter. Reminding the other party by trying to make up the situation will only make the other person angry.

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