Convince Your Parents to Let You Marry Girl of Your Choice

You have this girl you love, but your parents either don't approve or you fear they won't? While it's common for people in your situation to get advice like “you should cut your ties” or “just ignore them,” you're probably reading this article because you care deeply about keeping your relationship with your parents intact. Navigating this situation will take time, patience, and clear communication from you, and not every family culture will handle marriage discussions in the same ways. However, if you focus on a respectful and loving appreciation for your parents' fears, getting them to accept your life changes is truly possible.

Steps

Showing Them That You Respect Them

  1. Consider the timing.[1] For many children of traditional parents, marrying is only an option the parents will consider once the child's college or career education is complete, and a steady (and respectable) job has been held by the child for at least 1-2 years. Approaching them with the idea of marriage before you graduate can understandably feel like you're endangering their hard work. Waiting, in that case, is best.
  2. Don't criticize them.[2] Belittling them, comparing your behavior to theirs, and otherwise insulting them will not change their mind and is not your role as a respectful and loving child.
  3. Allow them to tell you what they think and give you advice. First, ask your parents how they feel, what they like, what they don't like in the current situation, and what they expect you to do. Be silent until they finish explaining what they think about the situation. “I'd like to hear what you think about all this.”
    • Once they finish explaining, they will definitely ask some questions to you (and the girl, if she is present in the room) in terms of how to approach this whole thing, finances, your future, and other general topics—all of which you should try to answer.
    • The temptation to avoid answering their questions might be strong, especially if you find you have not thought through an issue they raise or if you do not yet have an answer you like. You can always return to the conversation, but try to answer fully and be honest about where you struggle with their questions.
    • If their explanation presents another situation that gives a feasible solution for everyone, then take it up.
  4. Be open. Don't keep your feelings or relationship a secret.[2] Hiding a serious relationship from your family can be quite painful for them and suggest to them that you do not trust or respect them. Wouldn't you feel the same if they had hidden some tremendously important relationship from you? Unless you have a strong reason for not telling them (for example, you have not yet graduated from the college they are paying for), you should be honest with your parents sooner, rather than later.

Alleviating Their Fears for You

  1. Get them to discuss their fears with you. First, ask them to talk about their cultural or financial fears, and allow them to explain what it is about your news that makes them fearful. Then, let them know why you are not afraid by being clear about your motives and plans.
    • You could say, for example, “Do you feel that because she is from a different culture that any children we might eventually have would not understand or appreciate our culture?”
  2. Don't take a side. Avoid giving ultimatums like “It's my way or nothing,” or “If you really loved me, you'd support me.” You probably would not change after a single conversation, so don't expect your parents to do that, either. Taking a side will only confirm their worst fear: that you are rejecting them, their love, their values, and your place in the family as their child.
  3. Stay calm and confident. Instead of taking a side, focus on the love you have for your parents. Don't be defensive.[3] If you act defensive, it will suggest to them that something is wrong with her or something is not right in your relationship. Instead, clarify your own opinions and use “I” statements.
    • Saying things like, “She thinks you don't like her,” will only make your parents dislike her more. Own your own opinions rather than using your girl as the scapegoat. A better comment would be something like, “I think you would really like her just as much as I do, once you get to know her.”

Alleviating Their Fears About Her

  1. Never complain to your family about her. Unless breaking up is what you want to do, if you ever complain to your family about her personality quirks or actions, they will by nature feel defensive for you and will dislike her. When you bring her up again later in a better mood, they will not have forgotten the injury or emotional wound you had told them about. Until they have established their own solid relationship with her, keep your comments about her positive.
  2. Don't use the girl to make a political point or to “change” them. Parents who have children in inter-cultural relationships (dating outside the culture, tribe, religion, race, economic class, etc.) will already be sensitive to whatever fears they might have about her and the ways she is “ruining” you. Don't feed that bias by bringing her up as an example in your arguments with them.
  3. Focus on common ground. Point out common interests or cultural connection—allow them to begin to imagine her as their daughter-in-law by focusing on topics that you know your parents care deeply about and yet also share with your girlfriend.
    • For example, you could connect her to a hobby one of your parents have: “Did you know, Dad, that she's also into aircraft? She actually studied and got a private license a few years ago.”

Getting Them to Hear and See What is Good About Her

  1. Explain why she is perfect for you. Tell them why YOU like her, why you LOVE her, and what, in your view, makes her the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
    • “Mother, you know that studying and doing well in school has always been important to me. Well, it's important to her, too—she's currently in medical school, and studying with her this past year was what helped me pass my exams. She's smarter than any previous girlfriend I've had.”
    • If this girl is a total stranger to them, then you obviously have to do more preparation before having this conversation. Learn what you can about her background, so you can share that with your parents, and anticipate the kinds of questions they will have about her.
  2. Use “lobbyists.” Have sympathetic family members feed them positive information about her.[4]
    • One effective strategy is to tell the most supportive parent first, away from the other parent. That way, when you break the news more openly to the family, you will already have a potential ally on your side.
  3. Plan a family date. Arrange for your parents to participate with you and your girlfriend in a safe activity. Once you and your girlfriend have met each others' parents, or if the vibe seems open to it, ask both sets of parents to meet with you and your girlfriend. Fix a day on the calendar (perhaps over a comfortably informal dinner) and have a good first discussion.[5]
    • Arrange for your girl to have some alone time with your parents (individually, or, with both simultaneously), for them to get to know her better.
    • If you are meeting her parents, try being a little less-talkative than you are at your place—let her advocate to her parents just as you did to yours. You should always ensure that the parents (both sides) don't feel less-respected, misrepresented, or anything bad about the situation.
    • If she is in the room, let the girl talk in the middle of your discussion, which will help your parents understand a little bit about her, and the way she thinks, and the way she perceives and explains things to your parents.

Tips

  • Tell them that you love her, and mean it.
  • All these steps are on the presumption that the girl you love is willing to have you as her life-partner.
  • If possible, show the parents a picture of her before they meet her so they will know what she looks like.
  • Show the girl and the parents around in a place/position that would allow them to get to know one another. Don't meet up in a place that allows anyone to feel trapped there.
  • At all times, you have to understand that parents always, always want to see their children happy. Even if we cannot do whatever they expect us to, we should at least make sure that we don't intentionally hurt them—at any stage of the discussion.
  • Things will fall into place—one-by-one—if you are able to think from both sides' perspectives, and make sure everyone understands and respects the situation.

Warnings

  • Be patient, polite, and have the feeling of respect and affection, and understanding—when you are explaining the situation.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://newsok.com/article/5342531
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/when-your-parents-disapprove-of-your-partner/
  3. ↑ http://nypost.com/2014/12/17/how-to-handle-parents-who-hate-your-fiance/
  4. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/05/fashion/modern-love-breaking-our-parents-rules-for-love.html?_r=0
  5. ↑ http://emilypost.com/advice/parents-meet-parents/
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