Deal With a Self Centered Friend

Everyone behaves in selfish and self centered ways sometimes, but some people seem to do it more often than others. If you are frustrated with a friend’s selfish behavior, then you may be ready to do something about it. There are several things that you can do to address a friend’s selfish behavior and create a better relationship. Start by identifying the problem, then talk to your friend about how you feel and look for solutions.

Steps

Identifying the Problem

1. Keep in mind that selfishness can indicate other problems. Although someone who behaves in selfish ways may be frustrating to be around, it is possible that selfish behavior may indicate that the person is dealing with other deeper issues, such as depression. Try to avoid judging or labeling your friend as selfish and self-centered. Instead, try to find out what is going on in your friend’s life that may be causing him or her to behave in selfish ways.
   • For example, you might say something like, “I have noticed that you have been having a hard time engaging in conversations lately. What’s going on?” Or, “You seem really wrapped up in the bad things that have been happening in your life. I think it might help if you talk to someone who can help.”
   • If your friend indicates that she is depressed or that she is dealing with other serious issues, then encourage your friend to seek help. Advise your friend to talk to a school counselor or a therapist.
2. Think about what’s bothering you. What does your friend do that irritates you? Does she say negative things to you, constantly demand your attention, or talk only about herself without stopping? Get a good handle on exactly what it is that bothers you about your friend.
   • Some friends constantly ask for help but never give any in return. In this case, the issue is that the person is trying to take more from the relationship than he or she is giving, leaving it one-sided.
   • Other friends may talk about themselves all the time but never ask how you are. Many people are guilty of this, but sometimes friends take it to the extreme. In this case, the problem is also the one-sidedness of the relationship. Your friend may want you to listen to her, but she may not listen to you in return.
   • Another type of selfishness is constant attention seeking. Some friends may constantly text or call you, trying to get you to hang out or talk. This kind of relationship turns irritating quickly, and the problem is that the friend does not respect your need for alone-time.
3. Consider underlying problems. The underlying problems of selfishness may give you a little something to go on when talking to the person. You may also be able to develop a little more empathy for your friend if you consider why he or she may be acting in selfish ways.
   • People who are extremely selfish or self-centered may be insecure or distressed. Many selfish people look for attention or try to get others to think about them because they have a negative self-image.
   • Upbringing may also have a lot to do with selfishness. Your friend may be used to a lot of attention from her parents, so she may expect it from everyone else. Or, your friend may not have gotten much attention at all as a child, and now she may be desperate for attention from others.
4. Think about times you’ve been selfish. Selfishness is a normal human behavior and we are all guilty of it sometimes. Think about times that you’ve been selfish to get some perspective. You may have been selfish unintentionally and hurt others' feelings. Think about whether you've ever been guilty of some of the same offenses as your friend.
   • For example, have you ever interrupted someone during a conversation? Or have you ever gotten bored when someone else was talking and started thinking about a problem of your own? Try to think of examples of times when you have been selfish as a reminder that everyone is selfish sometimes.

Talking it Out

1. Make a time to talk. The most important thing to do to change someone’s behavior is to talk about it. Make plans to talk to your friend, and make sure the setting is private and quiet. Your friend may be upset with you when you say how you feel, so a public place may not be the best idea.
   • Pick a time when you'll have enough time to talk. You'll want this conversation to be an in-depth one, so you'll want to make sure you have enough time to get all of your thoughts out. Try to schedule an hour-long block.
   • Choose a place with privacy. This could be either one of your homes, or an open air space where not many people gather. Try a quiet park or another quiet area.
   • Avoid restaurants, shops or bars. While these are normal places to meet up, it may be hard to talk about personal issues when you're surrounded by many people. Also, if your friend reacts poorly, it may become embarrassing if too many people are around.
2. Tell your friend exactly what is bothering you. Stay respectful and positive, and let your friend know that your relationship is alright but needs some work. You'll want to be direct and explain the issues as clearly as possible.
   • For a friend who asks too many favors, say: “It’s really bothered me lately that you expect so much of me, but you don’t give me much in return. ” Don't use negative language like "I'm sick of your selfishness," or "I hate how many favors you ask of me."
   • For a friend who talks about herself constantly, say: "You spend a lot of time talking about your feelings, but you never have much time to listen to me talk." Again, avoid negative language that places the blame all on your friend. Don't say: "I hate how much you talk about yourself. It's so annoying."
   • With a friend who often asks for your help dealing with crises, say: "I know you've had some trouble recently with situations, but it's difficult for me to keep helping you out. You're a great friend, but I feel like I'm doing too much work." Don't say things like: "You can't get your life together, and it's really irritating. I can't keep helping you out every time you mess up."
3. Focus on your feelings. Selfish people spend most of their time thinking about themselves, and hardly the feelings of others. If you speak directly about how their selfishness makes you feel, it will be a chance to get through to them about their negative behavior.
   • For a friend who often asks for money, talk about how this behavior makes you feel. It might make you feel like they don't value the hard work that you do for your money. It also might make you feel as if your friend only wants you in her life because you have money, and not because you are a good friend or a good person to be around.
   • For a friend that constantly complains but has no time for your problems, talk about how you feel less important in the relationship. Talk about how your relationship feels one-sided, and how it makes you feel as if your friend does not value your problems or your issues.
   • Some friends may spend time at your house and make messes that they don't clean up. Talk to this kind of friend about how you feel frustrated when they don't pitch in, and about how you feel sad that they never offer to help clean up a mess that they've made. However, keep in mind that this may not be due to selfishness. This might be due to growing up in an environment where making messes and not cleaning up is acceptable.
4. Listen to what your friend has to say. If you are respectful and kind while talking, most likely your friend will offer an apology or give some reasons about why she has been selfish. Make sure to listen closely to the reasons that your friend gives, and try to understand how he or she is feeling.
   • If your friend says that she never realized how bad her behavior was, you're on the right track. Many selfish people behave poorly and never notice the outcome of their actions. If you've shed light on the problem for your friend and she seems eager to repair the friendship, then you'll be able to work out a plan.
   • If your friend gives excuses, try to be understanding. Many people are greatly affected by problems in their lives, and they cannot see outside of their problems, which often affects their friendships. If the problems are large, like a bad breakup or a death in the family, you'll have to be patient with your friend until she’s in a better frame of mind.
   • If your friend seems uninterested in your concerns, it's not a good sign. Many selfish people, when confronted with their flaws, are unable to see the problems with their behavior. Your friend may not see a need to change, and it's unlikely that she ever will. You may need to end this type of friendship.
5. Get your friend to agree to work on her behavior. If your friend values your role in her life, she should agree to start making some changes. Make sure that you are specific about the types of behavior that you would like your friend to work on.
   • For example, if you are tired of you friend talking all of the time and not listening to you, then you might request that your friend make more of an effort to listen when you are talking.

Working Through Behavior

1. Remind your friend if she starts falling back on old behavior. If your friend starts falling back into her old behavior, make sure that you say something about it. Say something to your friend each time it happens. Let your friend know how the behavior makes you feel, and remind her that she agreed not to work on it.
   • If your friend shows selfishness by constantly demanding attention, let her know when she is doing it. If she asks you to change your plans with others constantly, or she texts you incessantly, stop the conversation and tell her that she’s falling back into her old ways.
   • Say, for another example, a selfish person in your life spends too much money on herself and is always asking you for money. If she has promised you that she will change but asks for money again the next week, remind her of the promise that she made to you. Hopefully she will realize her mistake and learn not to make it again.
2. Stop being a doormat. Many people behave in selfish ways because other people let it happen. If a person asks for excessive favors or talks about herself without stopping, stop the behavior right away. Don’t allow the person to walk all over you.
   • Say, for example, a friend often invites you out for coffee to talk for an hour about her problems. You're used to this kind of invitation, so if you receive one, you know how it will go. The next time she invites you out, say no. You could also say yes, and then change the direction of the conversation over coffee to what's going on in your life.
   • If your friend is always looking for sympathy, stop giving it to her. Many people like to complain, and don't seem to do anything else. The next time the person asks if you feel bad for her, say no. Instead, try to offer solutions or help your friend see the positive side of the situation. Or, you can list ways for your friend to be grateful for his or her life. You can end the conversation on a positive note, like, "So, why would I feel bad for you? You have a lot going for you."
3. Stay positive. If a selfish person treats you poorly, it’s not because you’re not worth being treated well. Selfish people ignore their friends or neglect their obligations because they only think of themselves, and this has nothing to do you or your value as a person. Don’t let your friend’s behavior get to you or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. Check progress often. Spend some time thinking about whether the person has been truly committed to changing. Often, you will see immediate changes because the person is embarrassed and had never realized that she was selfish. Other times, changes will be slower, but you’ll see your friend taking small steps to change. Try to stay patient.
   • Talk to your friend every few days. See if they're doing better in their personal lives, or whether they're holding up their promise to be less selfish.
   • Hang out. Hanging out with your friend will be the best way to tell if their behavior is changing. Spend time together as you normally would, and see if your friendship feels different or improved.
   • Talk to mutual friends. See if your friends promise has bled over into their other relationships. Other mutual friends may see an improvement in your friends behavior, or they may see the same old selfish actions. Talk to them about whether they've noticed a difference.
5. Take a break. If the person’s behavior is truly intolerable, take a break from being around them. Selfish behavior is draining to those on the receiving end, and you deserve better. Whether it’s just one day alone or a whole week without seeing them, spends some time to yourself. They may even “get a taste of their own medicine” if they’re the type of selfish person who ignores you.
6. Know when it’s time to end the relationship. If you’ve been patient and tried to help the person as much as possible without seeing any results, it might be time to end your friendship. While it’s hard to do, toxic and negative people deserve no part in your life. Politely tell your friend that you can no longer see each other, and hold to your promise.

Tips

• Be careful if you have a group of selfish friends. If they all support each other in their selfishness, you may not have much chance to get through about their behavior.
• Never complain excessively or be negative about the selfish person, especially if they are actively trying to change their behavior. They may hear about it and decide to stop trying.
• Don’t skip the talking step. While it may be difficult or awkward to talk about your real feelings, telling the person how you feel is very important to changing the dynamic of your friendship.
• Try a little distance right after you talk. The person’s feelings may be hurt and they might be upset. Give them a chance to think about what you’ve said on their own, instead of bothering them and expecting them to change right away.

Warnings

• Self centered friends may never change. Some selfish behavior is too deeply ingrained to ever go away completely, so don’t be too disappointed if the person doesn’t make any progress.
• Don’t yell at the person or take anger out on them while talking. While they may deserve it, you will not get through to them by being angry. Only respectful, thoughtful dialog will make them understand how you feel.
• Be careful if the selfish person is your family member. If the relationship gets to the point where you have to end it, it will be extremely difficult if the person is related to you. However, get help from other family members and hold your ground.

Related Articles

• Not Be Self Centered
• Stop Being Self Centered

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal With an Envious Friend
• Cope With an Annoying Friend
• Deal With a Sociopathic Friend
• Deal With a Mean Friend
• Deal With Poisonous Friends
• Deal With a Backstabbing Friend
• Deal With an Insincere Friend
• Deal With a Bragging Friend
• Deal With a Jealous Friend
• Deal With a Manipulative Friend

What links here

• Stop Being Self Centered