Discipline a Child According to Age

There are as many philosophies about how to discipline a child as there are parents. However, it is always important to match the disciplinary approach to your child's age. Children will respond to certain methods more readily at certain developmental stages than at others. Adapted properly, however, most discipline-building measures are useful at any age.

Steps

Disciplining a 1-2 Year Old

1. Praise your child for good behavior. Shaping your child’s behavior in a positive way should be your first line of defense against bad behavior. If you see your child helping his/her sibling or cleaning up his or her toys, then encourage the behavior with praise.
   • For example, you might see your child picking up his/her blocks and putting them away. In this case, you could say, “Wow, you’re doing a great job putting your toys away. Thank you!”
2. Utilize time-out. While the actual concept behind time-out is not really going to sink in for a toddler, time-out at this age can be useful for separating the child from the situation he or she is in.
   • For instance, if you see your daughter throwing food at the cat, you’ll need to stop him/her immediately. Putting him/her in a safe time-out place like a high chair or crib will stop the behavior and also give you time to clean up or make corrections to the situation as needed.
   • Do not send your child to his or her room. Doing so will create a negative association for the child by linking his/her bedroom with punishment.
3. Be consistent with your discipline. Because your child is young, your toddler will not understand most rules and demands. But when you do set rules, make sure that you apply them evenly. If you’re in a two-parent household, consult with your partner to ensure you both apply the same rules in the same way.
   • For instance, do not allow a child into the office or near the stairs when you’re home if your partner does not.
4. Explain your rules with simple language. Do not give long explanations as to why a rule exists. For instance, if you don’t want your child near the stairs, don’t say, “If you play near the stairs there is a chance you might tumble down them and hurt yourself.” Instead, simply say, “Let’s not play near the stairs.” The reasoning behind your rule is, at this point, uninteresting to the child. When your child starts asking “why”, you’ll know your child is ready for longer answers.
   • Squat down to your child’s level when explaining a rule or situation to your child.
   • Stay calm. Do not yell or scream at your child. Keep in mind that your child does not have the cognitive capabilities to distinguish right from wrong, or understand many rules. Yelling at your child will not help him or her understand the situation, it will only scare your child.
   • When you feel frustrated, try to take a few deep breaths, inhaling for three to five seconds, then exhaling for an equal amount of time.

Disciplining a 3-7 Year Old

1. Set clear rules. Beginning at age three, children can begin to understand and comply with your rules. For example, you can set a rule that if your child wants to paint, then he/she has to wear an old shirt or an apron over his/her clothes to protect them from paint. Make sure that you explain the rule to your child and remind him/her about it the first few times he/she wants to paint.
   • For example, after you have explained to your child that he/she must wear an old shirt or apron before he/she starts to paint, you might just remind him/her by saying, “What special thing do you have to put on before you can start painting?” After a few times, changing into an old shirt or apron should become automatic for your child.
2. Be consistent when applying your rules. If you apply the rules in one situation but not in another, your child will be confused. In order to make the rules you set work, be consistent with your rules in different situations.
   • For instance, if you tell your child not to watch TV until after he/she eats dinner, but he/she turns the TV on anyway, you might discipline him/her by making him/her take a time-out. If he/she watches TV before dinner the next day, make him/her take another time-out. Administering the same punishment for the same offense every time ensures your child will get the message that you are displeased with his or her behavior.
3. Be patient when explaining your rules. Kids two and up can understand simple reasoning as long as you explain your rules in a way that he or she understands.
   • For example, if you set a rule that your child must clean up his/her toys right after he/she finishes playing and he/she wants to know why this is the rule, then you might say something like, “Because it is important to take care of your belongings. By leaving your toys out, there is a chance that someone could accidentally step on one of them and break one of your toys. But if you put your toys away, then you can keep them safe from those kinds of accidents.”
   • Explain your rules in simple language. After you give a child a rule, make them repeat it back to you in your own words. Prompt them to tell you what you asked for by asking, “Do you understand?” If they intimate that they do, ask “What do I want you to do?” If they can, in their own words, successfully explain your expectations, then you’ve crafted a good rule and explained it to your child adequately.
   • If your child cannot explain a rule back to you accurately, perhaps your rule is too complex. Try a simpler rule and let them grow up a bit before instituting rules which they cannot reproduce in their own words.
4. Be firm with your child. Do not give in to whining or complaints. If you let your child do whatever he/she wants, he/she will learn that whining will allow him/her to get his/her way, and he/she will use it to his/her advantage in the future.
   • For instance, if your child says repeatedly, “I want to play outside,” but it is time for dinner, you need to insist that he/she can play outside only when you allow it.
5. Don’t discipline every atypical behavior. Sometimes, parents perceive their child’s innocent offense as deliberately intended to irritate or cause mischief. In fact, many children only learn how to explore the world around them through misbehavior.
   • For example, if your child starts drawing all over the walls, he or she might not know that such a behavior is inappropriate. You might rightly be upset that your child has engaged in such a behavior, but try to empathize with your child and look at the situation from his/her point of view. If you have never set a clear rule that it is not okay to draw on the walls, then your child may not have known that drawing on the walls was inappropriate.
   • When your child does act inappropriately, make it clear that you do not want your child to repeat that behavior. Offer a substitute activity, such as drawing on a piece of paper or in a coloring book instead of drawing on the walls. You could also get your child to help you clean the mess up. You do not, however, need to yell at or punish your child for doing something that he/she did not know was wrong.
6. Express empathy and love. When you begin to discipline your toddler, always emphasize that you’re acting out of love. Let your child know that you care for him/her by saying something like, “I know you want to walk downstairs, but it is not safe for you to go there yet.” Give your toddler a hug and kiss to show that the limits you set are there for his/her own safety and welfare.
   • Understanding that most of the trouble your young child gets into is the result of his or her being naturally curious, not bad or willfully misbehaving. Understanding your child’s mental development will help you see the world from your child’s eyes a bit more, and inspire you to treat your child with greater empathy.
   • Don’t be afraid to say “no.” You’re the parent and must govern your child’s behavior.
7. Create a distraction for your children. By creating a distraction for your child, you can redirect his or her energy in a positive way. Think about the situation that you and your child are in and look for creative alternatives that your child could engage in.
   • For instance, if your child starts throwing a tantrum in the supermarket because you won’t buy his/her favorite cereal, then you might ask for his/her help in finding other items on the shopping list. Or, if your young child is playing near a fragile vase, you should offer him/her a toy or pad of paper and some crayons to get him/her to move away from the vase and sit quietly for a bit.
   • This tactic is primarily intended for children aged six to 24 months old but works well for children of up to five years old.
8. Try a time-out. A time out consists of forcing the child to sit in a certain place for a given amount of time, generally one minute for every age of life. For instance, if your child is five, he or she should take a time-out for five minutes in the event of misbehavior. Time-out is an appropriate form of discipline for children up through elementary school age.
   • Choose a time-out location free of distractions like TV, books, toys, friends, or games. The purpose of the time-out is to provide space for the child to reflect on his or her actions in a quiet moment. A kitchen chair or a bottom stair is an appropriate spot for sitting a toddler up to two years of age for a time-out.
   • Time-out is a good form of discipline when a child has broken a rule or done something dangerous. For instance, if you’ve told your child not to play in the street and he or she does so anyway, send your child to time-out.
   • Don’t speak to your child when he/she is in time-out. If you have a moralistic message you want to impart to your child, wait until he/she has completed the time-out. Even if your child starts crying or wailing, don’t acknowledge your child until the time-out is through.
9. Remove your child’s privileges. For instance, if your young child constantly and deliberately breaks toys, you might take away all remaining (unbroken) toys for a period of time. Explain to your child before doing do so that if he/she wishes to remain in possession of toys, he'll/she’ll need to take better care of them.
   • For young children, especially, ensure that you take away privileges as soon as you notice the undesirable behavior. This creates an association in the child’s mind between the behavior and the loss of the privilege.
   • Do not take away privileges for a long time. Children at a young age often lack the long-term concept of time that older children and adults do. Taking a young child’s toys away for a week might seem fair, but the impact will be lost after several days.
10. Reward good behavior. Whether your child is very young or already a teenager, rewarding good behavior is a must. For toddlers and very young children, reward them with verbal praise or a small, colorful sticker. Shaping positive behavior at this young age is more effective than punishment.
    • For instance, praise a child who shared a snack with a friend, even when he or she was not asked to do so.
    • Reward your child with a piece of candy or the chance to watch their favorite show longer than he or she normally might. Choose a reward which corresponds proportionally to the positive behavior the child demonstrated.
11. Help your child understand natural consequences. This means that when your child takes a certain action, she can expect a certain result. Natural consequences help children understand that they must take responsibility for their actions and exercise judgment.
    • For example, if your child does not put his/her bike away after he/she is done riding it, then it is possible that the bike will start to rust or possibly even get stolen. If he/she leaves his/her bike outside despite the risks, then this might be an opportunity to teach your child about natural consequences.
    • If/then statements are good when explaining natural consequences to children. For example, you could say, “If you leave your bike out in the driveway, then it might get stolen or start to rust.”
    • Do not use natural consequences in situations that might compromise your child’s safety or well-being. For example, when the weather is cold, do not send your child outside without a coat if he/she does not want to wear one. Or, if you catch your child playing with matches, do not allow your child to continue playing with them. Your child might burn him/herself or set fire to your home.
12. Be reasonable when disciplining your child. It is important to be reasonable when you respond to your child's behavior. Do not overreact to things that your child does or expect your child to know how to do something that he/she has not learned about yet.
    • For example, if your three year old knocks over a glass of juice, don’t expect him or her to clean it up all alone. Instead, help your child and say “We need to clean this up now. Let’s learn how to clean up a mess up together.” Give your child a rag or napkin and insist that your child help you clean up. Show your child how to clean the mess and give your child tips as he/she does so.
13. Create a schedule. From the age of six months and up, give your child a regular routine. For instance, a six-month old might begin each day with a wake-up time at 8:00, breakfast at 9:00, play time until lunch at 12:00, a nap at 1:00, and a 7:00 bedtime. As children age, push bedtime back and provide more freedom in deciding how to use their time. Getting an early understanding of how to structure and manage one’s time will give children an advantage when they enter grade school.
    • If you do not set a schedule, on the other hand, you will open yourself up to constant negotiation with your child about when an appropriate bedtime, wake-up time, lunch time, and so on.
    • If you have multiple children of vastly different ages, you should give each a separate bedtime. This will not only accommodate each child’s different physiology and natural sleep cycles, but it will also give you private time with each of them when you tuck them in at the end of the night. If your children are very close in age (within four years of each other), though, you might think of letting them have the same bedtime schedules to prevent sibling rivalry.

Disciplining an 8-12 Year Old

1. Maintain a strong bond with your child. As your child grows, it becomes harder to discipline him or her as you did when your child was younger. Punishment or the threat of punishment will only go so far; a better solution to ensuring your child’s good behavior is to stay connected and encourage your child to act properly through positive reinforcement.
   • Ask your child what he or she is doing in school, and if he or she has a favorite class. Take an interest in your child’s life.
   • Invite your child to go out with you on errands or family activities like a walk in the park, or even just a walk around the neighborhood.
   • While it can be hard to connect with children at this age, who might have soccer practice or after-school clubs to attend, make time to chat with your child for at least a few quiet minutes each day. Sitting with your child while he or she is free of distractions right before he or she goes to sleep is a good option.
   • Model the behavior that you expect. If you say you’ll do something, do it. Don’t use profane language if you tell your child not to. Children copy what they see their parents do; if you act well, you will provide a positive model for your child to emulate.
2. Be reasonable when setting rules. It is important to understand that 8 to 12 year olds are changing and becoming more independent. While your child still needs you, he or she might feel stifled by rules that were necessary when your child was younger. Compare your rules with those of other parents in order to gauge what a reasonable bedtime is, or how much TV your child should watch.
   • If your child has his or her own phone or computer at this age, set limits but allow your child some freedom. For instance, you might forbid using the phone at the dinner table or after a certain time in the evening.
   • Continue to monitor your children at this age. If your child likes playing outside with his or her friends, you can let your child do so but insist that you or another adult be present to supervise.
   • Work with your child and listen to what he or she is feeling and thinking. If your child is frustrated by a given rule, acknowledge your child’s point of view and (if reasonable) consider changing the rule to provide greater leniency.
3. Ensure the punishment is appropriate. If you take away a book that your child has no interest in, you haven’t really punished your child at all. On the other hand, if you ground your child for a week just because he or she arrived late to the dinner table, the punishment exceeds the apparent severity of the infraction. Discipline your child in a fair, balanced way. Talk with your spouse or with other parents in order to find the best punishments for your children.
4. Stay calm. Don’t yell at your child or say things that will humiliate, embarrass, or cause your child to react negatively. When you decide to discipline, do it in a way that is private and respectful. For instance, if your child says something rude about another person in public, pull your child aside and let him or her know that he/she should not say those things where the person might hear him or her.
   • Children at this age can begin to feel intense social pressures, and may begin to experience hormonal changes. These influences can create an emotional cocktail within your child that results in tantrums or tearful frustration. Do not respond to these episodes with an equal volume of emotion. Instead, ask your child to leave the room to calm down. If you’re in your child’s room, ask if your child wants you to leave. Talk to your child about the outburst later when your child has calmed down. Ask, “Do you think your tone and actions earlier were acceptable?” Insist that your child apologize when yelling or succumbing to emotional outbursts.
   • If your child insults you or says “I hate you,” don’t take it personally. Understand that your child is trying to goad you into reacting angrily. Stay calm and later, when your child has calmed down, tell your child that what he or she said really hurt your feelings. Ask your child if he/she thinks he/she should apologize, but even if he does not, tell your child that you forgive him/her anyways. Express that you expect him to always be respectful and kind to others -- including you -- even when he angry.
5. Reward good behavior. If you see your tween child doing something kind or proactive -- for instance, picking up his or her things when they were not asked to, or getting his/her homework done without your urging, a reward is an appropriate response. Consider rewarding your tween child with TV time or the opportunity to have a friend spend the night.
   • For middle or high-school aged children, you might allow him/her to stay out a bit later than he/she is normally allowed to when he/she finishes his/her homework.
   • Good behavior varies depending on the parent-child relationship. If your idea of good behavior is to have your child in bed each night by 9:00, let your child know this in advance. When your child is in bed at 9:00 each night for a week, administer a reward of your choosing, such as a trip to the ice cream parlor or arcade.
6. Don’t protect your child from natural consequences. Natural consequences are those which are produced as a direct result of an individual’s actions. For instance, a natural consequence for a child 8-12 might be that he/she left his/her book at a friend’s house, and cannot read it.
   • Another natural consequence for a tween or teen might be that he/she got mad and threw his/her phone. Instead of punishing the tween, inform him/her that with the phone is broken, and he/she now has no way of contacting his/her friends.
   • Always emphasize to your child how he or she experienced natural consequences when your child’s actions allow for it.
7. Help your child learn self-discipline. Maintain healthy, open communication with your child as he/she grows. Instead of punishing your child as you would have when he/she was younger, show him/her when his/her behavior needs to change in order to make his/her life better.
   • For example, perhaps your child struggles to catch the bus on time and is thus always late to school. Instead of instituting a punishment (“If you do not get up on time to catch the bus, I will take your games away”), approach your child about the issue with concern.
   • Tell your child, “I’ve noticed you’re having trouble getting to the bus on time. This will affect your grades if it continues. What do you think you can do to get out the door on time?”
   • Your child might suggest setting her alarm for an earlier time or putting out his/her clothes and backpack out the night before. You can help your child come up with ways to get set up, but you should allow him/her to do these things himself/herself to work on his/her self-discipline.
8. Encourage your child to reflect on his or her mistakes. Good discipline involves not just punishing or demonstrating how your child’s actions have brought about certain consequences, but showing your tween the possibility of other courses he or she could have taken and might take in the future. For instance, if your child got a low grade in school, ask him why he/she thinks that happened. Perhaps he/she will reply that he/she consistently put the assignment off until it was too late for him/her to finish it in a timely manner.
   • Invite your child to think about things he/she could do which would have produced a more positive result for him/her. For example, you might ask probing questions like, “Why do you think you put it off for so long?”, “What could you have done to motivate yourself better?”, “Are you happy with the grade you got? Why or why not?” Asking your tween to think about the outcome of the situation is important to help him/her realize that he/she is responsible for his/her own life.
   • Always ask if there is anything he wants you to do for him in the future to ensure that he/she does not make similar mistakes. Showing your child that you are there for him/her will ensure that he/she feels cared for and loved no matter what mischief he has engaged in.

Disciplining a 13-18 Year Old

1. Include teens in the rule-making process. Ensure your teen feels like he/she is participating in the rule-building process. Don’t let him/her have the final say or craft his/her own rules entirely, but let him/her know that you’re aware that he/she is growing up and deserves more autonomy.
   • For example, you might let your child stay out later on weekends. When allowing him/her to do so, do not vaguely say “Don’t stay out too late.” Instead, let him/her know exactly when you expect her to be home. “Be home at 10:00” is a good directive when setting a curfew.
   • When he/she gets his/her driver’s license, you might let him/her drive on his/her own over short distances, then allow longer trips as she gains more experience on the road.
   • Staying connected to your teen can be hard. Teens typically do not want to bond with their parents, but by acknowledging their perspectives and desires, you can help you maintain a strong relationship with them. Bringing your teen into the disciplinary process shows that you respect his/her burgeoning independence, and he/she will appreciate this (even if he/she does not admit it).
2. Let your teen know what your zero-tolerance policies are. While a great deal of teen discipline relies on negotiating with your teen in order to reach a win-win situation, there are some things you need to hold the line on. For instance, you might insist that your child never drinks, does drugs, or brings friends over to the house when you or another adult is not home. Let your child know these are unacceptable and nonnegotiable.
   • If your child violates one of your hard rules, your response can vary. You should first ask your child is he/she knows that you’re uncomfortable with the fact that he/she broke the rule in question. Talk to him/her in a clear, calm way about why you have insisted upon the given rule.
   • For instance, if you tell your child not to drink, you might explain before and after he or she does so that drinking could lead to being taken advantage of, humiliated, or driving drunk and getting seriously hurt or hurting someone else.
   • If your teen refuses to abide by your rules, start with a form of discipline such as taking away a privilege like the car keys, phone, or tablet. If the behavior continues, consider turning your child over to another trusted relative, or insisting that if your child does not want to live by your rules, then he/she can find his/her own place to live and support himself/herself.
3. Set a schedule for your teen. Teens are often very busy with school, a part-time job, and/or commitments to a team or club. Help your teen organize his or her time better with a set schedule, but do not let your teen completely set the terms of his or her schedule. For instance, do not allow your teen to go to soccer practice if he/she has not completed his/her homework or is not performing well in school. Let your teen know that while you support his/her extra-curricular activities, he/she must maintain good grades and commit to the curfew you set. Do not accept your teen being out all night.
   • Teens will do better with later wake-up times and earlier bedtimes. Ensure that your teen gets 8 to 10 hours of sleep each night. Unfortunately, the school year dictates your teen’s wake-up time for most of the year. Allow your teen to sleep in on weekends if possible. Invite your teen’s feedback on his/her schedule and ask about his/her peers’ schedules to see if the one you’ve crafted is too strict.
   • If your child has trouble sticking to his or her schedule, type it up and post it in a visible place like on the fridge so your teen can consult it as needed. Let your child know that failure to adhere to the schedule will result in a particular disciplinary behavior. Always follow through on your disciplinary action after explaining the consequences to your children.
4. Remind your teenager of natural consequences. Your child should, by the teenage years, understand natural consequences. At this stage, allow your teenager to make rational and reasonable dress decisions. If your teen refuses to wear a coat, and is then cold whenever he/she goes outside, draw attention to his/her feelings of discomfort and coldness as a natural consequence of his/her actions.
5. Take away privileges. If your teen acts up, you might need to take something he or she values away for a period of time. Removing the right to watch TV -- including shows on the phone or tablet -- is a good starting point. You might also disallow your child to go out with their friends.
   • Removal of privileges works best when the privilege being revoked is in some way related to the offense. For instance, if you tell your teenager to stop watching TV and do his/her homework, and he/she refuses after being asked to do so multiple times, you would be wise to suspend TV viewing for at least 24 hours.
6. Discuss issues with your teen. If your teen breaks a rule or does not do something that he or she is supposed to do, then it is important to have a discussion with your teen. Discussing issues will help you to understand your teen better and it will also help to reinforce the rules that you have set. Avoid jumping straight to punishment. Instead, ensure that your expectations are clear and look for ways to support your teen.
   • For example, if your teen has been finding ways to get out of doing the dishes, then sit down and talk about it. You might explain that everyone has responsibilities and it is important to meet them even if we don’t always feel like it. You might provide an example for your teen, such as “What if I stopped going to work and we didn’t have any money to pay for food or clothes?”
   • You might also explain to your teen why it is important for him to do the dishes. You could say something like, “We all help out to make dinner time a family effort. Your father cooks dinner, your sister sets the table, and I tidy up the kitchen after he is done. Washing the dishes is your part in that effort and we need you to keep doing it.
   • You might consider asking your teen if there is anything you can do to make doing the dishes easier on him/her. For example, he/she might be grossed out by touching the dirty dishes, so you could get a pair of gloves for him/her to wear. Or, he/she might feel like it is unfair that he/she always has to do the dishes, so you could rotate the chores. Instead of always doing the dishes, your teen could rotate between setting the table, tidying up the kitchen after dinner, or perhaps even making dinner for the family.

Tips

• Do not engage in corporal punishment or spanking. Employing physical force against your child might feel good, but it can cause serious problems down the line. Spanking, for instance, can make a child more aggressive and cause him or her harm. They may grow up feeling powerless, or thinking that hurting those you love is acceptable.
• Do not dissuade yourself from rewarding good behavior with negative preconceptions about the practice. Rewarding good behavior is not a “bribe”; rather, it is a fair and logical recognition that your child is putting in an honest effort to live up to your expectations. Showing your appreciation for their disciplined behavior should come naturally.

Warnings

• Don't offer choices when there are none. Sometimes choices are not possible.
• Parenting is a partnership. Consult with your husband or wife about what the best disciplinary decisions for your child are.

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Sources and Citations

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