Fall in Love With a Nice Person

If you’ve had relationships with not-so-nice people in the past, finding someone who is nice to you may be your top priority. You can find and fall in love with a nice person if you really want to. Just keep in mind that you can’t make someone fall in love with you. Some things you can do to find your nice person to love include taking stock of what you want in a partner, looking in the right places, going slow, and asking questions to get to know your love interest better.

Steps

Examining Yourself

1. Know yourself. Before you can find someone who can meet your needs, you need to get to know yourself. Take some time to do a personal inventory of your core values and take stock of your emotional needs. Write them down so that you can review this list as you search for your future partner.
   • What is most important to you? Family? Career? A hobby? Your friends? Honesty? Loyalty? Or something else? List your values and then rank them in order of their importance.
   • What do you want from a partner? Understanding? A sense of humor? Kindness? Strength? Encouragement? List the things that you want your future partner to provide in order of importance to you.
2. Think about what you want. Before you go out looking for a nice person to fall in love with, think about what you really want in a partner. Make a list of everything that you want in a partner before you embark on your love quest.
   • What traits do you want your future partner to have? Do you want someone who likes to read? Enjoys cooking? Is close to his/her family? Has a sense of humor? Treats you like a queen/king?
3. Take care of yourself. Physical attraction is not everything, but it is important that you look and feel your best in order to attract someone. Your self-care will make you feel more confident, and confidence is generally very attractive. Make sure that you are taking care of your basic needs, such as diet, exercise, sleep, and grooming, before you go looking for love.
   • Visit a salon or barber shop for a haircut if you haven’t had one in a while.
   • Buy yourself some new clothes if yours are worn or outdated.
   • Work on maintaining your health by eating healthy and getting at least 150 minutes of moderate aerobic exercise every week.
   • Make sure that you are giving yourself enough time to rest and relax each day.
4. Commit to your needs. Sometimes, you may wish so desperately to fall in love that you're willing to put up with just about anything from the other person. Truly nice people respect each others' needs and boundaries. Before you go looking for love, make a commitment to yourself that you will respect your needs and desires.
5. Steer clear of mean or aggressive people. If you have dated some people in the past who did not treat you well, you will want to steer clear of other people who may do the same. As you are getting to know a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, take note of how the person treats you as well as other people. Is he/she aggressive? Rude? Pushy? Critical? Controlling? Or just plain mean? If so, you should think twice before dating this person.
   • Look for positive qualities in the men/women that you choose to date. Try to find someone who is kind, polite, encouraging, supportive, and, above all, nice to you!

Attracting a Nice Person

1. Look for a nice person in the right places. To find a nice person, you may have to look in places other than your local bar. That does not mean nice people don’t frequent bars, it just means that you may have an easier time of finding a person who suits your interests and values if you look in other places as well. Consider looking for a nice person to love at a place where people like the one you're looking for tend to gather.
   • For example, you might have a higher chance of meeting a nice person at a charity event, volunteering at the hospital, or at the library. You may also consider being set up with a nice person by one of your friends or introducing yourself to someone who you often see reading at your neighborhood coffee shop.
2. Do a little flirting. To indicate your interest in someone, you need to show that you are interested by doing a little flirting. You can use your facial expressions, body language, and comments to flirt. Using things like body language, eye contact, and flirtatious comments can help to show the other person that you are interested in them. In fact, research suggests that how you indicate your interest can be more effective at attracting a mate than physical appearance.
3. Look for signs of reciprocation. As you indicate your interest to someone, watch for signs that they are also interested in you. Check to see if the other person is smiling, making eye contact, and standing with their body directed at you. Other positive signs include touching their hair, adjusting clothes, raising and lowering eyebrows, or a casual touch on the arm.
   • Other signs of interest include biological responses that people can't necessarily control. For example, people may flush or blush when they are aroused. Their lips may also become plumper and redder.
   • If someone does not seem interested in you, don’t waste your time. Just keep looking for a nice person to love.
4. Strike up a conversation. There are several ways to open a conversation with someone you've just met and you're romantically interested in. These are called "opening gambits." They may also be known as "pickup lines" or "icebreakers." However, you don't have to be creepy to use an icebreaker. Research suggests a few ways to use opening gambits to open a conversation:
   • Direct. These openers are honest and clear about your intentions. For example, "I think you're cute. Can I buy you a coffee?" In general, men tend to like to receive these openers.
   • Innocuous. These beat around the bush, but are friendly and polite. For example, "I'm new here. Would you recommend the cappuccino or the latte?" In general, women tend to prefer receiving these openers.
   • Cute/flippant. These are the "pickup"-type lines. They can be funny, cheesy, or even nasty. For example, "Do you prefer your eggs scrambled or fertilized?" In general, both sexes prefer the other gambits over these.
   • Since you're looking for a nice person to fall in love with, research suggests that you should go for something honest, friendly, and supportive. These are more likely to result in a long-term relationship.

Falling in Love

1. Go slow. When you are first getting to know someone, it is important to avoid sharing too much about yourself too soon. It is common for some people share too much of themselves in the early stages of a relationship because they want to seem honest and forthright. But sharing too much too soon can also be overwhelming for the other person. It also makes you less mysterious, which is part of the fun of falling in love.
   • For example, you should avoid discussing topics like your ex, your mean boss, or your personal finances.
2. Get to know your love interest. It is important to find out if you are compatible with this nice person (and if they really are nice). Ask open-ended questions to get to know them better and get a better feel for their personality. The questions that you ask early on should not be too invasive or too personal. They should be friendly and fun to discuss. For example, some questions you might ask on a first date include:
   • Do you have any roommates? If so, what are they like?
   • Do you have any favorite books?
   • Are you more of a dog person, a cat person, or neither? Why?
   • What do you like to do in your spare time?
3. Be confident. Confidence and self-esteem are important factors in falling in love. People who have low self-esteem may have a hard time of falling in love because of feelings that they are unworthy. If you lack confidence, you may want to spend some time working on yourself before you try to get into a relationship. Or, you can try to fake confidence until you feel confident.
   • For example, stand up tall, smile, and make eye contact with people. Doing so will give others the impression that you are confident and you may start to feel more confident just by acting this way. Someone who is nice should be very interested in finding a confident person to date, whereas a mean person may dislike this quality because you will seem harder to control.
4. Continue to make time for you. It is common for people to become so wrapped up in a new relationship that they stop doing things that matter to them. But not making enough time for you and your interests can be bad for you and bad for your new budding relationship. Remember to make enough time for you and your interests no matter how much you want to skip them to extra spend time with your new love interest.
   • Maintaining your personal time should not be a problem for a nice person. Just be wary if the person gets upset at you for wanting some personal time. This may indicate that the person is not as nice as you thought.
5. Let the person know you want to keep seeing them. It is important to make your intentions known to this nice person if you want to continue seeing them. If you are enjoying spending time with the person, let them know. You don’t need to declare long-term intentions in the early stages of a relationship, but you do need to say that you enjoy spending time with the person and that you’d like to keep seeing them.
   • Try saying, “I’ve had a great time on our last few dates and I’d like to keep seeing you if that is something you are interested in.”

Deepening Your Connection

1. Ask deeper, more personal questions. Once you've been dating for a while, it's time to start getting to really know this person. That means understanding what makes them tick, what their hopes and dreams are, and what they believe and value. These types of questions, especially if they involve the future, may also help the other person imagine you in their future life.
   • Social psychologist Arthur Aron has developed a list of 36 open-ended questions that can help you start interesting, meaningful conversations with your partner. For example, "What would constitute a perfect day for you?" and "For what in your life do you feel most grateful?" A nice person should be open to having a conversation like this one.
2. Listen actively. Active listening is a process that builds mutual understanding and trust -- key components of falling in love. By developing your listening skills, you'll show your partner that you're really interested in what they're saying. This is important if you want to keep a nice person interested in you.
   • Try labeling emotions. For example, if your partner tells you she had a bad day and needs to vent, reflect what you believe she's feeling, such as "I'm sensing that you're feeling really upset."
   • Ask probing follow-ups. Try asking questions such as "What do you think would happen if you did.....?" or "What if you tried....?"
   • Validate the other person. Even if you don't necessarily agree with what your partner is feeling, acknowledge her feelings. Feelings can't be wrong or right -- they just are. For example, "I can see where what I said would hurt your feelings. I appreciate your willingness to talk to me about it."
   • Don't shrug things off. Although it could seem natural to you to jump to reassuring your partner with something like "Don't even worry about that," this type of hasty reassurance can actually suggest that you haven't been listening. Take your time and offer meaningful comments.
3. Communicate effectively. Communicating clearly and effectively will build the trust and interaction between the two of you, which will strengthen your emotional bonds and help you and your nice person to fall in love. Try some of these techniques:
   • Ask questions. Don't assume that you know what's going on. Ask questions to clarify what the other person needs, especially if you don't feel certain. For example, if your partner seems upset, ask: "It seems like you're really upset about this. Do you need to just vent, or do you want me to help you find a solution? I'm here for you either way."
   • Use "I"-statements. These help you avoid sounding blaming or judgmental, which can put the other person on the defensive. There will be times when you or your partner have to communicate something that has upset you or hurt your feelings, but using "I"-statements will be effective and respectful. For example, if your partner is so nice that he'll never try to fix things that go wrong, try communicating how that makes you feel: "When we go out to dinner and you do not ask our server to fix things that are wrong, I feel like you aren't standing up for my needs. Can we talk about how to address this?"
   • Avoid passive-aggression. You might feel like the "nice" thing to do is to hint at when you're angry, rather than come straight out with it. However, it is far better to be clear, direct, and honest about how you are feeling. Passive aggressiveness can break down trust and make the other person feel hurt or angry. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's possible to be direct and kind at the same time.
4. Win over the family and friends. Your partner's family and friends probably have a great deal of influence over his or her life. Winning them over may just help the two of you fall deeper in love.
   • Be polite and kind. But be yourself! You don't want to appear to be one way around your partner's family and friends and another way around the person you love. Be genuine with everyone.

Tips

• Keep in mind that it takes the right person to fall in love. You may not be able to fall in love with someone just because they seem nice.
• Try to be patient. Falling in love is a process that may happen quickly or slowly depending on the conditions.

Warnings

• You cannot make someone love you. If the person does not seem interested, move on. Don’t waste time and energy on someone who does not appreciate you for who you are.

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