Find a Sex Therapist
If watching game shows on TV or playing Angry Birds all evening sounds more appealing than being intimate with your significant other, you may be the perfect candidate for sex therapy. Unlike traditional relationship-based therapy, those who seek sex therapy may have a close intimate relationship with their spouse or partner, but find there are specific reasons that have created an intimacy barrier, such as being too tired, a sense of boredom with intimacy that was once fun, a lack of interest in sex, an addiction to something "better than sex" or other reasons specific to one or both individuals in the couple.
Provided you've made a decision that you want to effect a change in this sexual stalemate between the two of you, looking for a sex therapist who specializes in remedying intimacy challenges will likely be the most effective form of counseling because it will be focused on the heart of your problem. To help you to find the ideal sex therapist for you, consider the following.
Contents
Steps
- Reflect on your own feelings about the lack of intimacy between the two of you. How is this affecting you personally? Is it something you see as temporary or are you concerned that it will be long-term? Is it yourself avoiding intimacy or is it your partner? Or does this seem to have grown in place through neglecting to talk about it? The answers to these questions will help you to reach a decision about how committed you are to seeking a resolution through a third party. For many people, restoring intimacy is a valuable motivator to seek help.
- Consider your relationship as a whole. Do you generally get along well with your spouse or significant other and still have that warm, fuzzy feeling when he or she enters the room? Or have your feelings waned and instead of excitement you feel apathy or even annoyance? The reason for this deep level of honesty is to ascertain whether a sex therapist is the right choice or if you need a therapist able to go more deeply into general personal and relationship problems. For example, if you feel as if you’ve mentally checked out of the relationship, you might be better off considering therapy to remedy the whole relationship––not having sex may be one symptom of something more broadly wrong with your relationship that's brewing underneath; in this case, traditional relationship counseling can address both the mental and physical aspects of your relationship.
- Have a medical check up. In some cases depleted hormones or taking certain medications such as antidepressants and even birth control may play a significant role in why your interest has fallen flat. Visit your primary caregiver and request a full blood panel workup. Explain to the physician your concern so he or she can test your blood for certain hormone levels. Low testosterone may be the culprit, but it's also easy to fix.
- Ask for recommendations. Obviously, asking for a name of a good sex therapist from the local soccer moms may not be a great way to make friends, but if you're cautious about whom you talk to, you could come away with a few reputable therapist names. Other sources of recommendations include:
- Parents. While asking your mom if she knows a good sex therapist may not be comfortable, consider going to her if you have a more open relationship. If you guessed that mom and dad had trouble in their marriage or sought counseling, your parents could be a great source of wisdom and may have a good recommendation.
- Close friends. Your very best friends, the ones who you know have your back, may be ideal folks to tap for a referral. Of course, the last thing you need is for a friend to talk about your inquiry behind your back, so choose carefully and skip any friend who you know won’t keep your request discreet.
- Your doctor. Your OB/GYN or even family practitioner may have a colleague or someone they know or recommend who is a sex therapist. Even if they don't, it's likely they'll be willing to ask around for you.
- Your psychologist. If you're already seeing a psychologist for other issues, ask him or her for a recommendation. You may also ask your psychologist for insights to help you determine why you're having issues in the boudoir.
- Medical or psychological associations. Professional associations may be a good resource to retrieve bio and background information on the physician, which may help in your decision-making. Some reputable associations to try include American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists AASECT or the American Academy of Sexologists.
- Insurance carrier. Your insurance carrier should have a list of physician and therapists based on specialty.
- Make decisions together. While it may only be you who needs therapy (or both of you), the decision to seek counseling from a sex therapist should be made jointly. Make sure that your significant other is included in the selection process so that you both feel comfortable the decision. Even if one partner ends up going to the therapist more than the other, both parties will need to attend at some point in order to revive your connectedness and intimacy.
- Maintain an open line of communication throughout the process. Although therapy days may be when you really spill your guts about how you feel, keep the lines of communication open throughout the week so your partner always knows how you feel. Talk about how you feel the therapy is working (or not working) and ask for your partner's feedback regularly.
- Evaluate the treatment after a few sessions. Do you feel closer as a couple and is therapy making a positive difference in the relationship? Take a step back and reflect before going forward. If you aren’t seeing a positive change, discuss this with your therapist. They can't read minds and may need to know what remains outstanding for you.
- If it really doesn't work out with your first choice of therapist, don't give up. Consider seeking a new therapist, as the "click" between you is very important.
Tips
- Remember that no matter how silly or awkward you may feel, seeking help is the first step to keeping your relationship alive and healthy.
- Do your recommended “homework” after each session to restore your sex life. It should be fun, so don't see it as work or as a chore.
- If you feel your story is embarrassing, keep in mind sex therapists hear your kind of story every day. You are not alone, and there is no reason to be ashamed.
Warnings
- Always check the qualifications of the sex therapist. In some places, anyone can call themselves this. Look for those therapists associated with or registered with a professional organizational that vets their credentials and expects continued learning. In the USA, contact the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists AASECT or the American Academy of Sexologists.
- If you feel as if your sex therapist has recommended you try something you're uncomfortable with doing, either suggest an alternative method or find a different therapist.
