Get Your Parents to Realize You Are a Teen Now

Teenagers need different things from their parents than they did when they were little kids. They need a greater degree of independence and help with the demands of growing up. Sometimes that’s hard for parents to handle. Learn how to negotiate with your parents and how to earn and keep their trust.

Steps

Talking to your Parents

1. Ask for a meeting with one or both of your parents. Prepare in advance for this meeting by developing a list of what you want to talk about. For example, are there certain restrictions you’d like lifted, like an early curfew or a prohibition on seeing more grown-up movies? Or is there something you’d like to be able to do, like choosing your own clothes or going out with friends?
   • It may be helpful to talk this list over with a trusted adult, such as a teacher or coach, before approaching your parents. That person will be able to give you an adult’s perspective on what you’re asking. Take their advice into consideration as you revise your list.
2. Choose a quiet time and location for this conversation. You want to set the conversation up to succeed. The most important thing is for you and your parents to have a thoughtful, respectful dialogue. If the conversation becomes a heated argument, you will have undermined your own goals.
   • The car is often a good place to have a conversation. You don’t have to maintain eye contact, and you can always use the passing scene or what’s on the radio to transition naturally to less intense topics.
   • Avoid bringing up difficult topics late at night, when everyone is tired.
   • Try to talk to your parents alone, without siblings around.
3. Explain your requests clearly. Describe why each of these requests is important to you and what you hope to get out of it. In addition, explain how you will keep yourself safe even with increased independence.
   • For example, you might say: “I’d like to be able to hang out at the mall with my friends until 9 p.m. on Fridays. I really like spending time with my friends, and I often don’t have the chance to socialize with them during the week because of homework and after-school activities. I’ll keep my phone with me so that you can check on me while I’m out, and I’ll come home at the time we agree.”
4. Listen carefully to your parents’ responses. Hearing them out shows that you respect them. Even if you disagree with something they say, you can respectfully ask for clarification and explanation, and then listen to what they have to say. Demonstrate that, while you might push back on some things, you are not simply brushing off their advice and requests.
   • Reflect back what you are hearing. This helps to ensure that you are correctly understanding what your parents are saying. For example, you could say: “I hear that you worried that I’ll drink or do drugs with my friends if I’m hanging out with them at night. Is that right?”
   • It might be helpful to talk through possible scenarios with them. For example, if your parent says, “I’m worried that I won’t know where you are late at night,” you might talk about different approaches. For example, you could give your parents a detailed itinerary with alternate people to contact if for some reason you don’t answer your own phone.
5. Talk about ways that you could earn greater independence. What signs of maturity are your parents looking for? Do you have particular patterns of behavior that worry them? Even if your parents are not yet willing to grant your requests, they might be willing to agree to a plan: if you demonstrate a certain level of maturity over a certain time, then they will will reconsider.
6. Ask your parents about their own adolescence. Parents are often affected by memories of their own decisions as teenagers. They might be haunted by the risks they took or the bad choices they made. Ask your parents about their experiences. Be ready to listen empathetically, paying special attention to what their stories reveal about their fears. Talk about the choices you are making and how your own life is similar to or different from theirs.
7. Ask a trusted adult to talk to your parents. If your parents refuse to budge or even to listen to your requests, consider asking for help from a teacher, religious leader, or guidance counselor. They may be able to explain to your parents that your need for greater independence is developmentally appropriate. And, they will be able to shed a different light on you and how you behave outside of the home.
8. Remember that your relationship will not completely change as the result of one big conversation. You’ll need to revisit these topics over time. If your parents agree to try even one thing on your list, the conversation was a success. Your job now is to show that you can handle the increased independence and responsibility, so that they will consider other requests favorably later on.

Demonstrating Responsibility

1. Don't break your parents’ trust. Follow the agreements that you make with them. Never lie to them about how you are going to use the increased independence you’ve negotiated.
   • If you have a cell phone, answer your parents’ messages and calls. They might reach out more frequently at first, while they adjust to your increased independence. Be patient.
   • Don’t be late. If you are supposed to be home by 10pm, aim to be home by 9:45pm – that way, you have a buffer in case you’re held up by a slow bus, for instance. If you can’t help being late, get in touch with your parents as soon as possible to let them know the situation.
2. Keep your promises even if you have to give up on doing something fun. The ability to delay gratification in order to keep your word to someone else is an important sign of maturity. It also demonstrates that you are developing a good character.
3. Keep your impulses under control. Don’t let your emotions or desires run away with you, so that you make bad choices or speak irresponsibly. This is an important part of showing that you can make good decisions.
   • It’s natural to get angry sometimes, for example, but don’t fly off the handle. Make a plan to calm yourself down. If you feel your blood boiling, take a deep breath, count to ten, or excuse yourself to go outside or to the restroom.
   • Your brain is set up to seek out more dangerous, risky behavior during this time in your life. While this is a natural part of adolescence, your parents also need to see evidence that you can rein in your desires and take care of yourself.
4. Be responsible when it comes to sex, drugs, and alcohol. Never do illegal drugs. If you are old enough to be in a sexual relationship, practice safer sex, including using condoms or other forms of barrier protection.
5. Accept that your parents will place limits on you. For example, most parents monitor what websites their teenagers visit and how they use social media. These limits are part of your parents’ job.
   • Don’t compare your parents to your friends’ parents. No one likes being pressured by these sorts of comparisons. And, it’s likely that you don’t know the whole story, even about your friends’ lives. Instead, focus on your own relationship with your parents.
6. Show your capacity to care for other people. Another marker of maturity that your parents will recognize is empathetic, caring behavior. Your parents will trust you more if they see that you are capable of treating others thoughtfully.
   • Sign up for a regular volunteer gig. If you are able to be steady and regular in your volunteering, your parents will see that you are responsible as well as generous.
   • Be kind to your younger siblings. Try to relate to them from an adult perspective, rather than as a fellow child.

Navigating Parent-Teen Dynamics

1. Realize that your parents might be more stressed out by your conflicts than you are. Parents are often more distressed than their teenagers by bickering or minor, day-to-day arguments. They may still be troubled by a conflict that you have almost forgotten about.
   • If your parent still seems upset about an old conflict, don’t dismiss their feelings. Instead, ask them what is still bothering them, and listen thoughtfully to their answer.
2. Accept that there’s more than one way to understand something. Teenagers and parents often frame conflicts in different ways. Teenagers are more likely to emphasize personal choice, while their parents are more likely to focus on underlying issues of right versus wrong. For example, you might see your messy room as just one way to live, while your parent might see a certain level of dirtiness as fundamentally wrong.
   • While it can be frustrating, try not to tell your parents that their way of seeing things is completely wrong. Instead, focus on practical issues: how often do your parents expect you to do your laundry? Will your mess bother them less if the door is shut?
3. Double-check that your parents are really feeling what you think they’re feeling. You are likely to be more emotional at this phase of your life. In addition, you might tend to see emotion in others, even when it’s not there. Practice reality testing: ask your parents calmly how they feel about something, or even ask them directly: “Were you angry at me when I came in just now?”
4. Spend time together. Doing fun activities together can help foster a good relationship with your parents. It’s helpful for them to see you out in the world, navigating different situations with maturity and grace.
   • For example, inviting your parents to go on a hike with you might help them to feel more open to allowing you to go on an overnight camping trip later on.
5. Let your parents meet your friends. Teenagers naturally seek out stronger connections with their peers than with their parents. If you let your parents get to know your friends, however, it will be easier for them to be open to letting you spend time with them later at night or in more independent ways.
6. Talk with your parents about important issues. If you are able to talk seriously and openly about adult issues such as sex, relationships, and your future, you will have a better and more adult relationship with your parents. Asking their advice about relationships and preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections can help your parents to see that you are approaching this issue maturely. In addition, you’ll learn from their own experiences of sex and romance.
   • Use an example from a television show or magazine article to raise a particular topic.
   • Write down questions you want to ask.
   • Send a text message or e-mail to break the ice. You can use this message as a way to set up a time to talk later, when you will be both be able to concentrate on the conversation.
7. Determine whether you need professional help. Some conflict is normal during this period of your relationship with your parents, but frequent, very intense fights are a sign that something is wrong. If you can’t stop fighting with your parents, ask a trusted outside adult for help and guidance.

Related Articles

• Convince Your Parents to Let You Wear a Thong
• Not Appear Moody when You're With Your Mother (for Teenagers)
• Convince Your Parents to Let You Get a Lip Ring
• Stop Your Mother from Treating You Like a Doormat
• Establish a Curfew with Your Child

Sources and Citations

See also

• Get Your Parents to Calm Down when You Get a Bad Grade
• Deal With Your Mother
• Convince Your Parents to Let You Do Anything
• Stop Fighting with Your Family
• Get Your Phone Back when Your Parents Take it Away
• Talk Your Mom into Saying Yes
• Deal With Your Parents Shouting at You
• Deal With a Terrible Dad
• Deal With Your Nosy Parents
• Avoid Talking to Your Parents

Read more ...

What links here

• Ask for Permission to Use Tampons
• Be Ambitious
• Borrow Money from Your Parents without Permission
• Get Your Parents' Trust Back