Get a Significant Other if You're Autistic

This is a general guide as to how the minds of neurotypicals work regarding mating habits.

Steps

Looking Desirable

  1. Present a nice, clean and welcoming image to the world. Good hygiene and attention to neatness will help make you look attractive.

    • Wear clean, nicely-fitting clothing.
    • Shaving is not necessary, though recommended, especially if you are a female.
    • Wear your hair neatly groomed.
  2. Find a style of clothing that you like to wear. You may want to wear fashionable clothes, a unique style of your own invention, or a mix.
    • Pick clothes that you enjoy wearing.
    • Ensure that your clothing matches. When in doubt, go with analogous colors (colors that are next to each other on the color wheel), or neutrals with one non-neutral color (e.g. white, black, and pink).
    • Let your outfit reflect your personality. It'll attract people who like people like you.
    • Ask a trusted friend or family member for their opinion.
  3. Take good care of your body. If you practice self care, you will gain a healthy glow that will help you look and feel your best.
    • Get at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
    • Bathe/shower every day. Use conditioner, shampoo, and soap (possibly with a good scent). Use deodorant.
    • Brush your teeth twice a day, and floss every evening.
    • Eat a balanced diet. Try to fill around half of your plate with fruit and vegetables.
  4. Learn to love yourself. Accepting yourself as an individual (autism and all) will boost your self-esteem. People are naturally attracted to confident people, so accepting your quirks will give you an extra boost in your hunt for a partner.
  5. Capitalize on your quirks. If you're a cheerful person who loves bright colors, embrace it. If you're a witty feminist, speak up and let your thoughts be heard. If you're a total geek, invest in some geeky t-shirts. This will attract partners who appreciate these specific personality traits, and your self-love will make you even more attractive.

Finding and Attracting a Partner

  1. Join an activity that matches your special interests (a literary club, a robotics team, etc.). This will not only give you something fun to do, but will present an opportunity to find like-minded people who may or may not be single.
    • It'll also give you an easy conversation starter when you want to talk to someone you like. "Whoa, setting up that ultrasonic sensor was really frustrating! Do you have a lot of experience with stuff like this, or is it your first time?"
  2. Find someone who seems interested in you. This can be difficult to discern, but here are some ways to get a sense if a person is interested.
    • They keep catching your eye, or will immediately look away if you look up, because they're afraid of being caught staring.
    • They keep finding excuses to talk to you.
    • They smile at you or meet your eyes across the room.
    • Look for signs of embarrassment (flushed cheeks, stammering, looking away), especially if you're in your mid teens or younger. This usually happens when someone likes you and doesn't know how to act around you.
  3. Once you've decided on someone, start sending signals that you're interested in them. This lets them know that they can approach you, or that you may approach them. As you send signals, keep your eye on them, to see if they send the same signals back. If so, flirting is likely a go.
    • Catch their eye across the room and smile invitingly.
  4. Begin a conversation. If the person does not start it, you can begin the conversation yourself. The conversation is more likely to be successful if you choose a topic that you have in common.
    • Try picking something related to your location. If you share a class, discuss the professor or commiserate about a tough assignment. If you meet at a gym, ask how often they come here, and what their favorite workout is. If at a party, ask how they know the host.
    • Lead with a compliment.[1] "I love your shirt! Have you played The Stanley Parable too?"
    • Most people do not introduce themselves at the beginning of a conversation. (This often happens near the end.) If you prefer to introduce yourself early on, try to integrate it smoothly into the conversation. "Hey, I'm Malcolm. Did you understand that last chapter of Jane Eyre? Because I was totally confused.")
    • Smile casually at them to let them know that you think they're cool.
  5. It's totally okay to start a conversation about your special interests, especially if you feel that the two of you share those interests. If you do so, be sure to keep the conversation balanced: give the other person plenty of time to speak, and allow the conversation topic to shift as it moves. As long as both people are participating, it works.
  6. Watch for flirting as you talk. Someone might flirt with you by poking you, tickling you, making excuses to touch you, doing things for you, or gently teasing you.[2]
    • If you're a guy flirting with a lady, you'll have to put in extra effort Tell a Girl You Like Her Without Being Creepy. Since some guys are dangerous, ladies are extra careful to avoid creepy men.

From Flirting to Dating

  1. If you suspect that they're flirting, see if they're ready to admit that they like you. (If they do so, be prepared to say that you like them back!) Here are some ways to do this.
    • Grin and ask "Are you flirting with me?" If they say yes, smile even more and ask if they like you.
    • Coyly ask "So, is there anybody you like?" (Keep in mind that some people might say "this guy" or "this girl" and mean "you." If they say "I like this really cute and clever girl" while smiling at you, then they're talking about you.)
  2. Ask them out. (You don't have to be male to do this!) Find out something you could do together (e.g. a movie) and ask them if they'd like to go.
  3. Once you've gotten to know each other, consider disclosing your disability. Tell People You're Autistic can be hard, and you may need to do quite a bit of explaining. Since autism is complicated, you'll probably want to focus on the parts that your partner is most likely to notice.
  4. Most importantly, have fun. A worthwhile relationship is one that makes you glow and leaves you feeling happy about your time together. If you aren't enjoying the relationship, then it's time to end it. You are a worthwhile person, and you deserve to be happy.

Tips

  • Consider looking in different subcultures for potential partners. You may find that their status as an outcast makes them more receptive to somebody who is not completely at ease socially. Be warned that this is not a fool-proof method and people who are outcast can be just as judgmental as supposedly normal people.
  • Be patient. You may need to meet several potential partners before the situation works out. A good idea would be to meet your special person's friends.

Warnings

  • You might do everything right and still something can go wrong. Some relationships just aren't meant to be. Chalk it up to experience and move on.
  • If your partner makes you feel sad, useless, scared, or anxious, then it is possible that something is very wrong. Talk to a trusted adult about it to help figure out what is going on.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

Flirting guides from Auntie Sparknotes Part 1: The Look (for ladies) | Part 1 for gentlemen | Part 2: Come Hither | Part 2 for Gentlemen | Part 3: The Conversation | Part 4: Crushing on Friends | The End | Bonus: Conversation Topics

  1. ↑ Auntie Sparknotes: How to Flirt Part 3
  2. ↑ 7 Signs Your Crush Likes You Back
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