Know If Your Friends Are Using You

It can be painful to have been used by a friend; when those close to us take advantage we can feel lost, vulnerable, and confused. We may begin to lose trust of others around us, given that we feel blindsided.[1] Sometimes friends are oblivious to their own actions but other times they are intentionally using you. There are ways to figure out whether you are being used, to help you to decide whether it is time to ditch your friend.

Steps

Assessing Your Friend's Behavior Patterns

  1. Notice if your friend only reaches out when in need of something. If your friend only wants to talk to you or spend time with you when in need of help or advice, or if it is always about your friend's needs, then it's possible you're being used. [2]
    • Does your "friend" ever call or text to hear about your day? Or does he or she only run to you when in need something? It could be a ride to the store, cigarettes, a bit of weed, a place to stay for the night, you're their fall guy when in need of a quick fix.
    • Take not of whether this is a continued pattern of behavior. After all, helping out friends is a part of friendship; sometimes people get down on their luck and need help. But, if this is occurring all of the time, or it is the only context where you interact, then it is possible you are being used.
  2. Assess whether your friend can be trusted. A real friend does not betray your secrets, particularly in a way that could damage you. To assess whether your friend can be trusted, think back on whether your friend has leaked private information about you; especially if it is for personal gain. If so, it is possible that you are being used.[3]
    • Think about her relationship with her other friends. Does your friend betray the trust of his or her other friends or otherwise use them? If so, this is a sign that that your friend could be using you as well.
  3. Assess whether your friend excludes you. Does your friend often exclude you from social events? A friend who is not using you would be inclusive and inviting, particularly among a group of friends that you both already know.[3]
    • Keep in mind that friends do not need to invite each other to every social event that they attend; but if your friend never invites you to anything, and only reaches out when in needs of something, your friend could be using you.
    • If your friend mentions having plans with a group of friends that you also know, but you have not been invited, try asking if you can come too. Pay attention to the response. If there are no real logistical reasons why you could not attend and your friend still does not invite you, or makes up some flaky excuse for why you cannot attend, it is possible you are being used and this friend is not genuine.
    • An example of a legitimate logistical concern would be if your friends were going camping but there was no more space in the car for you.
  4. Watch your friend's actions. Actions speak louder than words; if your friend is always saying that he or she will return a favor but never does, it's possible you're being used.[3]
    • Here's an example where your friend could be using you: You take your friend out to dinner a few times because he or she was upset about something. Your friend promises to return the favor but then never does and continues to complain about the problem you were helping your friend with. If this goes on and on, your friend may be using you.
    • Ask yourself whether your friend is grateful. Does your friend seem genuinely appreciative when you help him or her out? If so, maybe your friend is not using you but just really is in need of some friendly aid. If your friend doesn't seem to care much when you help, this could be a sign of taking advantage of you.
  5. Watch for guilt trips. If your friend often tries to manipulate you with tactics such as trying to guilt you into things that you don’t want to do, it's possible you're being used.[4]
    • Ask yourself whether you would have helped your friend if she or he did not try to make you feel guilty or feel bad about the situation. If the answer is yes, then maybe you are not being used but instead are being helpful.[5]
  6. Assess whether your friend is controlling. If your friend is always trying to boss you around and tell you what to do, particularly if it benefits her or her friends, he or she may be using you.[6]
    • To assess whether your friend is controlling, consider the following: Controlling people often have tempers and use them to get their way. They may use other emotions, too, such as guilt, or sadness to get you to do their bidding. Be sure to watch for signs of emotional manipulation as it is a clear sign that someone is being controlling. [7]
    • Your friend may try to isolate you so that you have less outside social support and are more likely to give in and do as demanded. Your friend may attempt to accomplish this by criticizing your other friends and family in an attempt to get you to spend less time with them. [7]
  7. Trust your instincts. If it feels that your friend is being insincere, especially if this is a repeated pattern, you are probably right. To be sure, confront your friend. Ask whether he or she really means the things being said.[3]
    • Assess your friend's character. Be completely honest with yourself and ask whether your friend is deep down a good person who cares about you or whether it seems that he or she is motivated by selfish goals.
    • Character traits include things like your friend's level of honesty, integrity, sincerity, and trustworthiness. Think back on everything you know about your friend and his or her interactions both with you and with others. Think about how your friend behaves in relation to the aforementioned traits but also about the type of things that he or she says that relate to those traits, also.[8]
    • For example, if your friend talks about how he or she tells people to their faces one thing then does another, there is a chance your friend is doing the same thing to you, and it is possible that you are being used.

Asking Your Friend Directly

  1. Prepare yourself. If you friend means something to you, you should be sure that he or she is using you before you decide to cut all ties. You can do this by confronting your friend in a calm, rational way.[9]
    • Keep in mind that if deep down he or she is a good friend, he or she was not using you but was merely oblivious and will likely be willing to change. If your friend is using you and gets upset and you lose him or her as a friend as a result of the confrontation, that is probably for the best anyway.[10]
  2. Find a quiet spot. When you confront your friend, be sure to do it in a quiet spot so that he or she doesn't get agitated. Make sure you are in a place that you can both speak your minds freely without feeling overly self-conscious. Avoid places like crowded restaurants with tables close together.
    • Try bringing up the conversation with your friend on a walk in a nice park.
  3. Be alone with your friend. Do not bring other friends into the mix, even if they have the same complaint. Having other friends there could be overwhelming and could scare your friend off or make him or her especially upset.
    • If one person criticizes you for something, you may be willing to take the advice and change. If several people criticize you at the same time, you may feel threatened and get offended; after all, it means that all those people had sat around and talked negatively about you, which could be frustrating.[10]
  4. Speak calmly but assertively. Explain your reasons for suspecting that your friend is using you and see what he or she says. Lay out specific details so that your friend cannot just shrug it off, call you accusatory, or a liar.[10]
    • However, do not be too nit-picky in your examples; your friend could turn the tables on you and call you petty.
    • Make sure you speak about your friend's actions and not his or her character. If you make it about specific actions, your friend will be less likely to get upset; if you call your friend a user, he or she may get upset and the conversation will quickly dissolve.
    • For example, you could say something like, "I gave you rides when your car was being repaired last month. However, when my car broke down this week and I asked you for a ride to work, you ignored my request. I've realized that when I ask you for help you tend ignore me."
  5. Seek an apology. If your friend apologizes and is willing to change his or her behavior and you actually notice that he or she is changing for the better, there is a chance that your friend was not using you but was just oblivious to what turned out to be selfish actions. Sometimes people get caught up in their own lives and worlds and are not aware that their actions came across as selfish.[9]
  6. Consider breaking it off if you feel that it's all about being used and nothing to do with genuine friendship. Explain why you can't be friends with this person anymore and stop talking to him or her. Do not let your former friend convince you that they will change, especially if you've given them multiple chances already. This person will keep taking advantage of you if you let him or her back in.

Tips

  • Look your friend straight in the eye when confronting them.
  • Don't joke around when confronting your friend. You want your friend to know you are being serious.
  • Look for classic signs of manipulation, such as guilt-tripping and blaming
  • Before you go around accusing people, make sure that it really is a problem and you're not just making a big deal out of nothing.
  • Know whether your friend thinks you're a verbal dumping ground and should only listen to their problems. You can tell this happens when you've listened and given plenty of feedback to your friend but when you need to vent, they either change the subject or act disinterested. They might even flat out tell you they don't care and disregard your feelings. That's a sign they have a lack of empathy, which can turn emotionally abusive in the long run.
  • Some friends have a selective hearing problem. They won't only ignore your problems but they'll ignore anything that doesn't interest them. The topic of conversation has to be about them or something entertaining to them to even get a response. Sometimes they will run all over your sentences and interrupt you.
  • Check for their call. They won't call you when you move. Not very often anyway. This means they viewed you as a source of entertainment because they're not checking up to see how you're doing.
  • If whenever you confront them, they turn everything around on you, this is a sign of betrayal. When you bother to stand up for yourself and they get all defensive and play the victim, be wary.
  • When in doubt, ask for a second opinion! You can ask a close friend, family member, or the friend of the person you think is using you. This will help you to see if you are over/under reacting.

Warnings

  • Check if they disrespect you. If they always talk poorly about the people you care about, walk all over you, take advantage of you, act too immature, or keep doing the same thing after apologizing, then it's time to get rid of them.
  • If you are not sure the friend is using you wait a while, ask other people and don't ask them about it right away because it may not be true; a false accusation could damage your friendship.
  • Notice when most of your friend's "jokes" are put downs. Some fake friends might not only use you for your stuff but also to tear down your self esteem to make themselves seem superior. If they make rude jokes that are obviously hurtful and say they're kidding so they can get away with it, then you need to confront them.
  • Watch out for so-called friends who "forget" things they've said or done in the past that were major deal sealers between the two of you. This selective memory serves their purpose but definitely not yours. Do not let such a friend gaslight you.
  • Don't bring along another friend, or the accused might feel surrounded. Make sure it's one-on-one and you're in a comfortable setting.
  • If they don't agree with your confrontations because apparently they're better than you in their mind, don't let them see you upset. They feed off of it and will either not care or laugh at you.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201301/are-you-being-manipulated-social-puppeteer
  2. ↑ http://www.canadianliving.com/relationships/friends_and_social_life/5_signs_youre_being_used_in_a_friendship.php
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 http://www.canadianliving.com/relationships/friends_and_social_life/5_signs_youre_being_used_in_a_friendship.php
  4. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-spot-manipulation/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ambigamy/200905/whats-the-real-difference-between-feeling-used-and-feeling-useful
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/spycatcher/201301/are-you-being-manipulated-social-puppeteer
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://bullying.about.com/od/Victims/fl/6-Signs-Your-Friend-Is-Controlling-And-a-Bully.htm
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201104/personality-vs-character
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201207/the-best-ways-deal-people-who-hurt-you
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 10.2 http://friendship.about.com/od/Setting_Boundaries/a/How-Do-You-Deal-With-A-Selfish-Friend.htm

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