Live with a College Roommate Who Is Your Total Opposite

Are you living with your total opposite? It's amazing how different two people sharing the same space can be. Whether you are sharing a two-bedroom apartment or a single dorm room, living with another person can be extremely challenging. There is a lot you can do to prevent future conflict, as well as steps you can take to peacefully resolve any that comes up along the way. Ultimately, the most important thing you can do is lighten up, be open to change, and enjoy your college experience.

Steps

Avoiding Conflict

  1. Get to know each other. If you decide from the very first time you meet that you’re too different to possibly like each other, you will certainly set yourself up for a miserable situation. You don’t have to be best friends, but getting to know one another will help you at least establish friendly conversations.
    • Figure out what you have in common. You might be total opposites on most things, but you will have at least one thing in common. Find out what it is and embrace it. Whether it’s a hobby, or a movie, or a shared love of a particular food, try to do it together every now and then.
    • Accept your roommate as is. If you are total opposites, it may be difficult to understand where they are coming from in many situations. If you accept things about their personality, interests, taste, etc. you are much less likely to come into conflict. [1]
    • Laugh and admit any quirks you have, and learn about your roommate’s.
  2. Discuss your expectations. Be clear about what what you both expect from each other. This is the time to discuss your needs and compromise on what you’re willing and not willing to contribute. Don’t make any assumptions about what is considered a “normal” or correct way to do things. [2]
    • Discuss your definitions of “clean.” This can go a long way to prevent future arguments and misunderstandings. You might clean the kitchen, only to discover your roommate upset because you didn’t clean under the stove burners.
    • Discuss your general outlook on dorm life or apartment living. If you are expecting a 24 hour party, it may come as a shock to find that your roommate expects peaceful, quiet solitude. This is something you’ll need to discuss up front.
    • Be flexible and open to change. If this is your first experience living with someone else, it may be a culture shock as you adjust to the habits of someone new. Treat it like an adventure into a new country where everyone speaks a different language and has different customs.
  3. Set up a roommate contract. Make a set of rules to address a few core issues that might come up during the coming year. This will give you a chance to talk, laugh, and discuss all the nit-picky items of sharing a home. [3]
    • Decide if you will pool resources and share groceries, or if you will have separate food items. You could shop for groceries together once a week, or take turns replenishing staple items such as milk, bread, and cereal. If you have a specialty item, write your name on it so your roommate knows not to touch it.
    • Discuss how you will handle overnight guests. If you are sharing a dorm room, reate a system to indicate when you need privacy, such as the classic sock on the doorknob, or a symbol written on a whiteboard on the outside of the door.
    • Establish an agreement on quiet times lights-out times. If you are early to bed and your roommate likes to stay up late, come to a compromise. Perhaps agree to an earlier time during the week and a later time during the weekend.
  4. Create a chart on a whiteboard or chalkboard that lists rules and guidelines. This will ensure that you each know how to be a good roommate, and eliminate any future conflicts regarding the rules. [4]
    • Make a list of bills and due dates. Decide who will be responsible for which bills and how each roommate should contribute.
    • List recurring chores, as well as how often they should be performed and who will do them. Decide who will wash the dishes and how often, who will clean out the dishwasher, who will take out the garbage, and how often the floors should be cleaned.
    • Leave a space on the board for notes so that you can let each other know in advance if you’ll be out of town, if you’re expecting guests, or if grocery items are needed.
  5. Create designated spaces. Decide early on which spaces will be common areas, such as a living room, kitchen, and bathroom, and which spaces will be private. Agree to protect each other’s privacy; make it a point to ask each other’s permission before entering private spaces or borrowing items. Discuss rules or guidelines for how any common areas will be used and maintained. [5]

Dealing with Conflict

  1. Talk about problems as soon as they come up. Don't assume that your roommate can read your mind. Nothing can change unless you acknowledge it. It's possible that your roommate may not even be aware of the problem. [6]
    • Discuss any issues with your roommate in person and directly—no texts or emails, and don’t bring it up through a friend of a friend. Don't be afraid to speak your mind. If something's bugging you, your roommate deserves to know.
    • Bring up behavior, not personality. It's not reasonable to ask people to change who they are, but you can ask them to tone down behaviors that are making life difficult for you. For example, it would be unfair to criticize someone for being "perky," but you can ask someone not to talk so much while you're studying.
    • Focus on one pet peeve at a time. There are probably tons of things your roommate does that get on your nerves. Don’t nag your roommate about every little thing that aggravates you—only bring it up if it’s really bothering you. Invite your roommate to discuss any pet peeves with you.
  2. Have a plan. When you are preparing to discuss your problem with your roommate, thinking through what you need to say and considering how you'll say it will prevent you from getting flustered and forgetting what you wanted to say, especially if you struggle with standing up for yourself.
    • Start by asking, “Can we talk?” This will usually get a person’s undivided attention. Give your roommate the option to set the conversation up at a later time and place, so that she doesn't feel cornered and immediately get defensive.
    • Write down a list of the things you plan to bring up, as well as a few examples. This will help you stay on track with your point, and will also make you prepared to answer any questions your roommate may have. If your complaint is that your roommate leaves dirty dishes around, be prepared to give examples of when this occurred. Examples will help her to see your point.
    • Be positive and kind, and be patient. Don't make the situation bigger than it is. It is hard to hear that you’re doing something that’s bothering someone, so your roommate may be hurt, surprised, or even angry to hear the news. [7]
    • Soften the criticism by speaking kind words. Tell your roommate anything that she is doing right, so she doesn’t feel like she's doing everything wrong. This will also help you see the good in your roommate even when you are exceptionally agitated. For instance, you might say, "Hey, I appreciate how much effort you put into keeping the kitchen clean. But it really bothers me that you never take out the garbage."
  3. Take advantage of mediation resources. If you live in a college dorm, contact your RA. Roommate conflicts are common, and your residence hall staff members are trained in how to help you through conflicts. Sometimes simply having someone to mediate the conversation and help you take turns expressing yourself is incredibly helpful. [8]

Finding a New Roommate

  1. Make a mutual decision to move on. If reconciliation is absolutely impossible, and you’ve made every effort to resolve the conflict with your roommate, it may be necessary to agree to find a new living situation. This may involve moving to a new dorm room or apartment, or allowing your roommate to leave so that you can find a new one.
  2. Research the rules of moving out. Whether you live in an apartment or a dorm, there are policies in place that govern who is responsible for the property. If your names are both on a lease, or you are both assigned to a dorm room, then there are definitely rules that determine when and how you can move out. [9]
    • If you live in a dorm, make sure to understand the residence hall policies regarding roommate conflicts and changes. Some colleges will require you to go through the steps of mediation before requesting a roommate change, and others have trained students who will help you through the process.
    • If you live in an apartment and both of you are on the lease, notify your landlord or leasing office that one of you intends to move out, and inquire about whether or not a new roommate can move in. Most leases will allow for this, but have different procedures and policies.
    • If you live in an apartment and you split the deposit with your roommate, discuss how the deposit will be repaid to the tenant who is leaving. The leasing office may need to be involved in this process, so definitely check into this.
  3. Stay friendly. Once you’ve separated from your roommate, try to remain on friendly terms. You may look back on your time together with fondness one day. Even though it didn’t work out, you shared a significant time together. Besides, sometimes even the best of friends simply don’t live well together.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://college.usatoday.com/2011/11/27/six-ways-to-make-the-best-out-of-a-bad-roommate-situation/
  2. ↑ http://collegelife.about.com/od/beforeyouarrive/qt/roommatetips.htm
  3. ↑ http://www.life.arizona.edu/home/hall-living/conduct/living-with-a-roommate
  4. ↑ http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/08/08/rules-for-roommates/
  5. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/houzz/2015/02/26/living-with-a-roommate-how-to-make-it-work/2/#435a862e22b9
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/getting-along-with-your-college-roommate/
  7. ↑ https://u.osu.edu/uofye/2014/09/10/4-ways-to-solve-roommate-conflict/
  8. ↑ http://my.westminster.edu/ics/Campus_Life/Campus_Groups/Residence_Life/Roommate_Conflict_for_Students_and_Families.jnz
  9. ↑ http://blog.studentadvisor.com/college-roommate-conflict-ra-cant-help/
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