Say No to Your Friend with Benefits

Having a friend with benefits may seem like a no-fuss way of having some casual fun, but that very casualness can make saying "no" stressful. Whether you're just not up for it this second, or you want to call things off for good, it's important to be honest with yourself and your friend as to why. Communicating clearly with your FWB from the get-go will help you keep the "benefits" and/or your "friend" in the long run.

Steps

Saying No When You’re Just Not in the Mood

1. Ask yourself why you’re not into it. If you feel less than excited about having a little “benefits” time with your FWB when they suggest it, take a step back and examine your own reaction. Figure out why the idea doesn’t appeal to you at the moment. Of course, the reason might be pretty obvious (like, you just took a tumble off of your bike and your body hurts all over), but if not, ask yourself:
   • “Am I upset with my FWB over something they did?”
   • “Am I distracted by all the stuff I have to do for school or work or anything else?”
   • “Am I just too exhausted to hook up right now?”
2. Tell your FWB the reason why. Once you’ve figured out exactly why you’re not feeling up to it, share it with them. Whether it’s because they’ve upset you or it's due to something else entirely, be honest with them. Keeping them in the dark could hurt their feelings and make them resentful, so keep your friendship alive and healthy by letting them know the score. For example:
   • “I want to keep hooking up, but if we’re going to, you have to know that you hurt my feelings when you did/said __.”
   • “I’m sorry, but I have to finish these projects for school/work/etc. before I can play.”
   • “I’d love to hook up right now, but I’m too zonked out to be any fun.”
3. Give them an alternative. Soften your “no” with a promise of things to come. Offer other options to assure them that this isn’t a blanket rejection. Show them that you’re still interested in maintaining your “benefits” status even though you’re not up for it this very second by either making concrete plans for later or offering them a reward for their patience, like:
   • “I can’t right now, but let’s definitely get together this weekend.”
   • “Maybe I’ll call you once I’ve finished all this work, and we can talk dirty.”
   • “I don’t know when I’ll be free, but maybe I’ll make it worth the wait and we can try something new.”

Breaking Up with Your FWB Amicably

1. Know why you want to nix the benefits. Go back to the beginning of your “unofficial” relationship. Review the reasons why the two of you became friends with benefits to begin with instead of an “official” couple. Now ask yourself how the situation has changed:
   • Have either one of you met someone new whom you’d rather be with?
   • Is your casual arrangement growing into something too serious for you to handle?
   • Are you unsatisfied with keeping things casual?
2. Choose how to break up. Break-ups between committed partners traditionally warrant a face-to-face meeting or a conversation over the phone. If you feel that you should honor your preexisting friendship with the same respect, break up in person or over the phone so you can talk it over immediately. But since your FWB situation is (or is supposed to be) more casual, feel free to send the message via text or email. Just be sure to use straight-to-the-point words so there is no room for misinterpretations, since you won't be there to clarify. Instances where text or email might be preferable include:
   • When you feel like your resolve might weaken in direct conversation.
   • If your FWB has a track record of being obstinate, manipulative, or slow on the uptake.
   • If you are in a long-distance relationship, have conflicting schedules, or face some other obstacle that makes seeing each other in person a chore even in the best of times.
3. Be upfront with your FWB. If you want to ditch the benefits but keep the friend, share the truth with them. Keep your friendship intact by communicating honestly. Let them know exactly how things stand so the two of you can figure out how to move forward as pals. Soothe their feelings by emphasizing what was positive about this time together, while making it clear that it has come to an end:
   • “What we have is obviously a lot of fun, but now that So-and-So and I are getting serious, it’s not really fair to them for us to keeping doing this.”
   • “I really enjoy what we have, but I feel like we’re becoming a little too involved, and I’m not ready for that.”
   • “I thought I could handle keeping things casual, but now I think I’m expecting too much, which isn’t fair to you.”
4. Brace yourself for the break-up. Even though you and your FWB had a less than serious relationship, it was still a relationship, so expect all the awkward feelings and situations that follow a traditional break-up. Give your ex-FWB (and yourself) some alone-time to adjust to your new dynamic. Resist the urge to “force” your friendship.
   • Allow yourself to experience the sense of loss.
   • Spend more time with other friends and family.
   • Avoid hanging out with your ex-FWB right away, especially in situations that often led to the two of you cashing in on your benefits.
5. Keep communicating. A lot of FWB situations suffer because one or both friends keep their lips shut rather than risk the good time that they’re having. Whether or not this applied to your own relationship while the “benefits” part was still active, talk openly with your friend now in order to strengthen your friendship. Don’t pretend the whole FWB phase never happened. Catch and resolve issues that may develop after the fact before they grow into more serious problems.
   • If you feel jealous when they start dating someone new, admit to it. Even if you’re the one who broke things off, you’re still human, and the quicker you can laugh about it with your ex-FWB, the better.
   • If you feel tempted to relapse, or feel like your friend is still trying to claim benefits from you, talk about it so you can set up clear boundaries for the both of you to follow.

Saying Goodbye Altogether

1. Break up directly. If you care about your FWB’s feelings, but don’t think you could ever go back to being just friends, have an honest conversation with them. End your relationship while honoring your friendship by letting them know exactly why you’ve made this decision. If needed, write a letter or email, either before or after talking with them directly, to express all the points you wish to make clearly so nothing is left unsaid:
   • “Now that I’m seeing So-and-So, I feel like I’m only being half-hearted with them because I still think of you as more than just a friend.”
   • “I’m not ready for a serious relationship, but it feels like that is where we ended up, and it wouldn’t be fair keep going just because it seems like that is the only way for us to stay friends at all.”
   • “I said at the start that I was fine with ‘no strings attached’ because I truly thought I was fine with it, but now I realize you mean much more to me than that, and I can’t go back to the way things were without pretending to be okay with that, too.”
2. Make sure they get the message. Use straight-to-the-point words to make it absolutely clear that things are over. Resist feeling obligated or being manipulated into providing some sort of exception that might lead to the resumption of benefits. Respect their feelings and avoid being hurtful (unless they really warrant it), but avoid sugar-coating the situation and leading them on with false hope.
   • If they continue to pursue benefits after you have told them that things are over, write them a text or email to restate your decision, using no uncertain terms, so that it is right there, in plain language, for them to see, without providing them a chance to argue the point.
3. Remove them from your life. If your FWB refuses to accept the change in your status, reinforce your decision to move on by cutting off all ties. Unfriend them on social media. Take their phone number out of your phone. Delete old emails, voicemails, and other correspondence. Focus on a bright new future rather than dwell on the past. If you share the same circle of friends, make a point of seeing your other friends separately, especially if your ex-FWB continues to pester you at every given opportunity.
   • Exes often try to remain friends because one or both hope to reconnect some day. It may seem cold, but if you truly want to avoid relapsing with your FWB ever again, the best way is to commit to a life without them.

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Sources and Citations

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