Stop a So Called Friend from Putting You Down

Sometimes friends who are funny and exciting can also be hurtful. Perhaps they put you down in front of other people or maybe they constantly pull pranks that upset you. Depending on the severity of the taunts, there are many ways you can respond to your friend in a way that defuses tension and discourages your friend from continuing. Toxic relationships can turn into abusive ones, and you should be prepared to deal with all the potential outcomes.

Steps

Defusing Insults

  1. State your honest feelings. Sometimes your friend might not realize that what they said was hurtful or inappropriate. Perhaps they thought you would take it as a joke, or maybe they did not think before they spoke. Don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel in a direct but gentle manner. Your friend might realize that certain topics or jokes are off-limits with you.
    • You can try saying something like “I’m really hurt by that” or “When you say things like that, I feel as though I am worthless.”
    • Try not to respond with sarcasm. Your friend might mistake it as acceptance of what they are doing. For example, if your friend makes a comment on your weight, instead of a dry “thanks,” try saying, “I don’t find that funny.”
  2. Dismiss the insult. Sometimes bullies will upset you just to see your reaction afterwards. If you learn how to brush off insults, you will not be giving your friend any satisfaction from the put down, and they may stop when they realize that they have no power over you. One way to do this is to simply ignore the insult and assert your positive qualities. Swallow your anger and make a statement that both calls attention to the inappropriateness of the statement while signaling that you don’t care what they think.[1]
    • For example, if your friend puts down your appearance, say, “I don’t care what you think. I think I look beautiful.”
  3. Laugh. When someone puts you down, they may be trying to assert dominance over you by reducing your confidence. Humor can turn the situation around by giving you control over the insult. If you cannot come up with a witty comeback, try just laughing in response. If your friend really meant to hurt you, you will be proving to them that you are too strong for such silly tactics.[2]
    • If the insult really hurts you, tell your friend that you do not find it funny.
    • Don’t make a joke at your friend’s expense, or it will continue the cycle of insults. Instead, use self-deprecating humor. By being able to make fun of yourself, you demonstrate that you don’t care what others think and that you are comfortable in your own skin. This can help discourage others from making fun of you!
  4. Remain calm. Anger is a natural response to insults, but it can worsen the situation. If you respond to your friend with anger, they will try to accuse you of overreacting, and they will use your anger against you later on. Instead, remain calm and try to display indifference to your friend. When speaking to them, use a flat tone of voice. If you are very angry, express it through your words.
    • A good calm dismissal is to just say “I’m sorry to hear you think that.”
    • You can also state your feelings by saying, “I don’t want to be angry with you, but when I hear you say such things about me, it upsets me.”

Talking To Your Friend

  1. Schedule a time when you two can be alone. It is best to have a serious talk with your friend in private. You do not want to embarrass them in front of your other friends, or else you will look like the bully. Suggest a time when you both are available and ask your friend if they want to hang out.
  2. Introduce the topic carefully. Start by asking them if you can talk about something serious. Bring up the topic in a cautious manner. You should not blame them or accuse them of wrongdoing; rather, tell them that certain things have been causing you stress and anxiety recently.
    • A good way of starting the conversation can be, “Hey, can we chat about something? I want to have an honest talk with you. You’re a good friend to me, but recently some things have been happening that have really hurt me. I want to make sure that we can come to an understanding together so that we can remain friends.”
  3. Use “I” statements to deflect blame. Beginning your sentences with “I” instead of “you” make your statements sound less accusatory. You do not want to blame your friend because they might respond negatively, and they may even blame you in return. Instead you want to foster an atmosphere of acceptance and communication. Your statements should start with statements like “I think” or “I feel.” [3]
    • For example, you can say, “When I hear that I am overweight or chubby, I feel as though I am ugly and worthless.” Or you can try saying, “I know that sometimes you like to joke around, but I feel sad when I am told that I am dumb.”
  4. Ask your friend why they do what they do. Invite your friend to be completely honest. Inform them that you will not judge them before asking them why they put you down so often. If they react negatively, emphasize that you want to know their side of the story and that you are not angry at them.
    • You can say things like, “why do you always comment on how much I eat?” or “why is it so funny that I like to read comic books?”
    • You may even ask them how they might feel in your situation: “How would you feel if someone kept making fun of how you do your hair?”
  5. Allow your friend to respond. Your friend might be confused, surprised, sad, or angry about the conversation. Give them plenty of time to think through their answer and respond. If they say something you disagree with, wait until they have finished speaking before you defend yourself. Do not interrupt them or it will escalate the tension in the room.
  6. Set firm boundaries. At the end of your conversation, you should both set boundaries for your relationship. Both of you should come up with ideas of what is and is not acceptable within the terms of your relationship.[4] For example, you may not want your friend to tease you about a crush while your friend might be uncomfortable with how you talk about their family. At the same time, you both might be fine with jokes about each other’s habits or hobbies. If you both agree to these boundaries, your friendship will actually become stronger than it was before.

Standing Up For Yourself

  1. Respond immediately. Don’t let a grudge fester inside of you. Immediately call attention to their tactics. Let them know that you are not happy with what they are doing. Make eye contact and use a firm, clear voice. By being assertive, you will establish that you are serious about what you are talking about.
  2. Tell them to stop, don’t ask. Asking is a very indirect, polite way of calling attention to their habits. If you have tried talking through the problem and failed, give your friend a firm, direct “Stop.” This may jar them and express just how upset you are with the situation. Call attention to previous times when you pointed out their bad behavior to reinforce how their pattern of bullying has persisted.
    • Try saying, "Hey. I asked you to stop pulling pranks on me. I talked to you last time, and then we talked privately, and you said you understood. Now I'm telling you: I'm not going to put up with it any more. Stop it."
  3. Remain strong even if they appear upset. Some people may respond with anger or crying in an attempt to guilt you for calling them out on their rude behavior.[5] You should remain strong and calm in the face of such emotional manipulation. You can apologize for upsetting them, but you should not back down. #* You can say, “I’m sorry that this is upsetting for you, but when you put me down, I feel the same way that you are feeling now.”
  4. Seek help from a trusted authority. If the friendship turns verbally abusive, you may need to seek outside help. Because the abuse is coming from a trusted friend, it can be difficult to find support groups that will boost your confidence and provide advice. If you are still in school, approach your parents or a teacher for help mediating the situation. If you are in college, try going to your university’s counselling services for assistance. In the workplace, ask your boss or HR to intervene. Outside of the workplace, you can find friends, significant others, or counsellors who can help you navigate the difficult situation.
    • Venting to another person can help give you perspective, and it will also help you process your emotions so that you can confront your bullying friend without crying or yelling.[6]
    • Try not to consult a friend who is also friends with your frenemy. They may try to defend your bully or they may tell your bully what you said in an innocent attempt to patch your relationship. Try to find someone who is distant from the situation. They can provide a clear-headed and objective perspective on the matter.

Breaking Up With Your Friend

  1. Reduce contact. If a friendship is hurting your self-esteem, causing anxiety, or inducing feelings of self-doubt, it may be time to end the friendship. The easiest way to do so is to slowly reduce contact with the other person. Stop scheduling time to hang out together outside of school and work. Don’t text them unless you absolutely need to. By slowly cutting off contact, you give yourself time to find other friends while avoiding a potentially nasty confrontation.[7]
  2. Tell them you want to stop being friends. Sometimes you might have to tell your friend face to face that you want to stop hanging out together. This can be very difficult, and it will probably occur after you have tried talking to them several times about your issues. If they ask you why, try to explain without blaming or accusing them.[8]
    • You can try saying, “Look, we have had some good times, but I think I need my own space.”
    • If they ask why, deflect the blame towards yourself. “I don’t think we have a similar sense of humor. Sometimes what you find funny is what I find hurtful. I don’t think you’re a bad person, but I don’t think we make good friends.”
    • If you don’t want to tell them outright, you can give an excuse for not seeing them. For instance: “I need to spend more time on my work and less time on socializing” or “I’ve been neglecting my health, and I need to focus more on taking care of myself.”
  3. Ignore angry texts or emails. If your ex-friend tries to contact you in anger, ignore the messages. Don’t respond with equal anger. They may say things that you find are wrong or disturbing, but they may be trying to provoke you so that you appear to be the bad guy. Swallow your anger and ignore the messages. Distract yourself with another activity, and if their attempts at contact worsen, block their phone number and social media accounts.
  4. Enforce your boundaries. If your ex-friend repeatedly ignored your boundaries in the past, they will probably not start respecting them after you cut them off, even if they promise to improve. It may be easy to let them back into your life. It is fine to acknowledge that you had good times together while still recognizing that it was a toxic relationship. Let them know that you are firm in your decision, and don’t be swayed into being friends with them.[9]
  5. Keep your social group. If you and your ex-friend had many mutual friends, it can be hard to cut off contact, but you should not lose all of your friends because of one person. That said, your mutual friends may feel compelled to take a side. If your ex-friend tries to cause drama, stay strong. Do not spread rumors or speak poorly of your old friend. Tell your friends that you and your ex-friend had a falling out and that you still respect them even though you have gone your separate ways.
    • Try telling your friends, "All I'm going to say is that we had a fight. I think they are still a good person, but we need our space."
    • If your friends push you for details, resist the urge to badmouth your old friend. Good friends will see that you are being a bigger person and will respect you for it.
  6. Make new friends. You may encounter your old friend in social settings, at school, or during work. The transition will be easier if you are able to make new friends outside of your usual social group. Join a club, start a hobby, or take an evening class. You will meet new people who are not associated with your toxic ex-friend.

Tips

  • Remember that a true friend would never want to hurt you. If they really care about you, they will understand where you are coming from. There is a good chance that they might not even realize what they are doing when they say such things about you. Being honest and open with them without blaming them will improve your friendship.
  • This sort of behavior is usually about control or insecurity. Both are really the same thing - people who treat others in this disrespectful way often feel insecure and try to make themselves feel better by making other people look worse.[10] This often leads to them attempting to control others, too, as a way of keeping someone around to use in this way. Don't allow yourself to become a victim - and by the same token, understand that this person may need to be reminded often for a while in order to break the pattern.
  • Keep your cool. The more reasonable and calm you are when you ask this person not to talk about you or to you in that way, the more likely you are to be heard and respected. Crying and screaming will make them defensive, and they may accuse you of overreacting.

Warnings

  • Sometimes people worry that their frenemy will turn against their other friends against them. In these cases, it is good to speak to an outsider about the situation, such as a trusted confidante, a teacher or professor, or even a family member. Before you end the friendship, start building a new group of friends separate from the group you have now. If your other friends do turn against you, you will already have new friends to hang out with. Remember, if your friends turn against you so easily, they might not have been your friends in the first place.
  • Don't let anybody else other than your true friends know about your problems with another person. While it is good to have a trusted confidante or two, you do not want to seem as though you are spreading bad rumors about them in your social group.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201302/how-deal-insults-and-put-downs
  2. ↑ http://ideas.time.com/2013/03/08/why-insults-hurt-and-why-they-shouldnt/
  3. ↑ http://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf
  4. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/prescriptions-life/201304/if-you-set-boundary-expect-deal-anger
  6. ↑ http://www.kickbully.com/prepare.html
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/happiness-in-world/201308/how-end-friendship
  8. ↑ https://www.berkeleyparentsnetwork.org/advice/parents/ending
  9. ↑ https://www.ipfw.edu/affiliates/assistance/selfhelp/relationship-settingboundaries.html
  10. ↑ http://ndpr.nd.edu/news/23629-sticks-and-stones-the-philosophy-of-insults/
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