Tell Your Girlfriend You Want to Be Intimate

If you’re in a committed, serious relationship with your girlfriend and want to have sex with her, it can be difficult and awkward to know how to talk to her about it. Whether this is the first time you’ve been intimate or not, you’ll want to make sure you’re both comfortable and in the mood. You’ll be better able to talk about sex with your girlfriend if you can be honest, avoid pressuring her, talk about safety, and understand her preferences. If you can relax with her, make her feel safe, set a romantic mood, and stay connected in the relationship you’ll make intimate moments even better.

Steps

Talking About Intimacy

1. Be confident in your decision. It can be difficult and embarrassing talking about sex, but it's important to talk about it and be sure about it before jumping into bed. Having sex is an important step in any relationship and will bring the two of you closer. Reflect on whether or not you're ready before approaching your girlfriend.
   • If this is your very first time having sex, be confident in your decision. You might want to wait or reconsider if there's a risk you'll get in trouble with your parents, if it's against your religion, or if you feel pressured at all by others.
   • If this is not your first time having sex, but it is your first time with this girlfriend, you still want to be confident in your decision. Sex can make a relationship more serious and you need to be sure you're ready for that.
2. Tell her how you feel. Your girlfriend won't know how you feel about sex and about her unless you tell her. Try to be open and encourage your girlfriend to be open with you as well. Be specific about why you want to have sex with her, as well as any fears or worries you have about how sex will affect your relationship.
   • Start by showing her you love her. You might say, "I've been enjoying our time together in this relationship, but I want to talk about becoming more intimate with you. I love you and I feel so close with you; I feel like we're ready for sex. What do you think?"
   • Acknowledge that this might change how you feel about each other. For example, you might say, "I know that sex is a really important step and can complicate things. I want you to feel comfortable."
   • Show her that it's not all about the sex. Restate why you want her or what you love about her. Instead of saying, “Do you want to have sex with me tonight?” you can say, “You’re beautiful. I love you and I want to be with you.”
3. Avoid pressuring her. Your girlfriend may not have an answer for you right away. Give her time to think. Let her know you want to talk about it again when she's ready and that you'll be there for her.
   • Remember that your girlfriend has the right to say "no" to you, even if you've been in a committed relationship for awhile, or if she's had sex with other people before. Just because you've been together for a long time does not mean you can pressure her to have sex.
   • You can reassure her so that she doesn't feel pressured. You could say, "I am nervous, too and don't want to rush you. If you're not ready, that's okay."
   • Revisit the conversation if she's not ready or wants to wait, but don't pressure her to talk about sex every day.
4. Get her consent. It’s important that you’re clear that she wants to be intimate and have sex with you. Consent means she agrees and is excited to have sex with you. Remember that:
   • If she is silent or doesn’t answer, that is not consent.
   • If you have to beg, force, or manipulate her into having sex with you, that is not consent.
   • Either one of you can withdraw your consent to intimacy and sex at any time during your relationship.
   • "No" means "no."
5. Ask each other questions. Your girlfriend may agree or want to have sex with you, but it's normal for her to have some concerns to address first. Be open and honest in your answers to her questions. You might have important questions you need answered, too. Talk about:
   • Your previous partners
   • Any history of STDs or STIs
   • What your sexual preferences are, such as how you like to be touched or what positions you like
6. Talk about safe sex. You and your girlfriend will feel much more comfortable if you have a conversation about safe sex and birth control before you have sex. Be honest with each other about what your preferences and expectations are for safe sex.
   • Be willing to buy or use your own methods of birth control, such as condoms.
   • Ask her what birth control methods she is on or prefers. You can ask, "Are you currently on any birth control? Do you like it or would you prefer doing something else?"
7. Understand her preferences. Healthy communication about sex isn’t just about being able to be vulnerable and express your desires. It’s also about being able to ask her what she wants and likes. Try to understand what she wants. You might ask:
   • What are your desires or fantasies?
   • How do you like to be touched?
   • Are there certain places you don't want me to touch?
8. Pick the right moment. Sex is an emotional subject, so make sure you pick a good time to talk to your girlfriend. You might be scared or nervous to approach her for fear of hurting her feelings, overwhelming her, scaring her away, or being vulnerable yourself. Make time to talk to her when:
   • You can be alone together.
   • You haven't just had a fight.
   • You won't be interrupted by anything else.
   • You're relaxed, maybe enjoying dinner or wine together.
   • You're not in the heat of the moment or about to become intimate.

Creating an Intimate Mood

1. Relax together. Before initiating sexual intimacy, spend time together doing something relaxing or enjoyable beforehand. This will give you and your girlfriend a sense of connection and calm. Some ways you can relax together are:
   • Have a quiet dinner together.
   • Go on a walk.
   • Watch the sunset.
   • Take a shower or bath together.
2. Touch her. If you slowly increase how much you’re touching her, her sexual arousal may increase as well. Touching her is more subtle and could potentially lead to fun, more spontaneous sex.
   • Kiss her.
   • Give her a gentle shoulder massage.
   • Hold her hand.
   • Stroke her arm.
   • Tickle her.
   • Always check-in with her as you touch her to avoid making her feel pressured to have sex. You can ask, "Does this feel good to you?" or "How are you feeling?"
3. Set the mood. Create a sensual environment to further set the mood for intimacy and sex. You want to make your girlfriend feel comfortable, turned on, and wanted. You’ll also want to make sure you’re in a safe place where you won’t be interrupted. You can:
   • Dim the lights.
   • Put out candles or light a fire.
   • Put out soft and clean sheets.
   • Put on soft jazz or other instrumental music.
   • Eat sweet fruit or chocolate.
4. Be romantic. Be romantic in your relationship on a consistent basis. Women tend to need to feel connected to their partner emotionally before engaging in sex, and romance is a great way to achieve this feeling. Romance shows that you’re thinking of her and makes her feel more secure in the relationship. Some romantic things you can do include:
   • Buy her flowers.
   • Write her a love note.
   • Send her a romantic poem.
   • Spend time talking with her and cuddling in bed.
5. Be present. It can be difficult to create an intimate moment with your girlfriend if your mind is elsewhere, like on work or future plans, or even on how you are performing or how you look. You and your girlfriend will both enjoy your intimate moments more if you can try to fully be present in them. Instead of focusing on your nerves about sex with your girlfriend, or worrying about what you look like, try to just be with her in the moment. You can:
   • Some ways to be mindful, or in the moment, include focusing on your breathing and hers, noticing the sensation of her skin on yours, paying attention to any sounds she’s making.
   • Being present in the moment can improve sexual performance, as you are more tuned into cues from your partner. It can also decrease performance anxiety, as you aren't focusing on what might happen or the future, but what you are feeling, doing, and experiencing only in that very moment.
   • Being responsible about sex — such as using contraception and only doing it when you both are ready — can help remove any fears about STD's, pregnancy, or if you're rushing things.
6. Avoid rushing. Do not rush through your intimate time together. This should be an enjoyable time for you and your girlfriend, so take your time. Your girlfriend may need some time and foreplay. Be playful, touch her, and ask what she likes throughout the process.

Keeping Intimacy Alive

1. Prioritize your relationship. Your sex life and your level of physical intimacy will thrive if you make time for each other. Prioritize your relationship and focus on strengthening emotional intimacy and connection with your girlfriend. If you make time for her outside of the bedroom, you’ll be more likely to have a happier sex life. Try to:
   • Share meals together.
   • Take walks and talk together.
   • Exercise together.
   • Turn the TV off before bed and cuddle.
2. Put yourself in a sexy mood. If you’re in a serious relationship with your girlfriend, eventually your sex life may get more mundane and you might not find yourself in the mood as often. To keep this from happening, intentionally try to put yourself in the mood for sex and intimacy. Learn what turns you on and try to focus on that, then initiate with your girlfriend later. To put yourself in the mood, you might try to:
   • Read something erotic or romantic.
   • Listen to a sexy song.
   • Wear lingerie.
   • Think about the last time you had sex with your girlfriend.
3. Try new things. To spice up your intimate moments, be adventurous and try new things with your girlfriend. Try not to stay in the same routine to keep intimacy alive and fun. Always remember to be safe and get your girlfriend’s interest and permission before your try anything new. You might consider:
   • Trying a different location or room, not just your bedroom.
   • Trying to be intimate at a different time of day than normal.
   • Trying new positions.
   • Buying her new lingerie.
   • Using sex toys.
4. Flirt. Once you’ve been with your girlfriend for a while, it may be difficult to keep your chemistry alive. Try to flirt with your girlfriend like you did when you first started dating. You might send her a sexy text message during the day, or dress up a little to catch her attention.

Tips

• Be gentle and pay attention to her body language. If she seems a bit scared or nervous, check-in with her and let her know how you’re feeling too.
• Make sure you both feel relaxed and comfortable.

Warnings

• Never push or force someone to have sex with you if they’re not ready. Remember that either one of you can say “no” at any point during the encounter.
• Talk about birth control methods before getting more intimate and having sex. Make sure you both agree and have a plan.

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Sources and Citations

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What links here

• Make Your Girlfriend Happy
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• Tell Someone You Are Not Ready to Have Sex