Tell a Boy to Stop Touching You

Touching in a relationship is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties; kissing, holding hands, and having your arms over each other is supposed to create intimacy. However, some boys try to move forward too quickly or touch a girl without her agreement. Anytime a boy is touching you in a way that you don’t like, you need to immediately take action and tell him to stop, whether it is an overeager boyfriend or a creep on the subway. By acting assertively, clearly communicating your emotions, and speaking up for yourself, you can effectively express that this touching will not be tolerated.

Steps

Stopping a Stranger, Acquaintance, or Friend

1. Tell him to stop immediately. If someone with whom you are not in a relationship touches you inappropriately, that is completely unacceptable. Confront the offender immediately. Don’t worry about being polite. Loudly say, “Stop touching me!” so that other people around you will hear. Do not be embarrassed. It’s the creep who’s touching you that should be embarrassed!
   • If it is someone young and they say something like, “I was just joking, chill out,” don’t pay any attention to that. A joke is only a joke if both people are laughing. Just say, “It wasn’t funny and I won’t let you treat me like that.” Then walk away.
2. Show your emotions. If you feel disgusted or angry, don’t be afraid to express that. You have every right to feel that way and communicating that will show the offender that you mean business. Don’t be afraid to yell at the person or to say something like, “Stop it, that’s disgusting!”
   • If you know the person, you might be afraid to confront them because you don't want to make things awkward. But it's the person touching you without your permission who is making things awkward! Don't ever worry about upsetting someone who is disrespecting you. You have every right to be upset and you need to communicate this. You can say something like, "Stop! You have no right to treat me that way!" or "Don't do that!" or "Stop it! I don't like that!"
3. Push him away. If the person keeps his hand on you, push him away and loudly say, “Get off me!” If you are loud, someone nearby will overhear what is happening and hopefully they will intervene. By pushing him away, you should create distance to allow yourself to get away.
   • If the person is a friend, it's time to get new friends! Friends have to respect one another and this person clearly does not! To end a disrespectful friendship, you can say something like, "I don't like the way you treat me and I will not allow you to be a part of my life anymore." Then look for friends who are kind to you.
4. Run away. Get as far away from the creep as possible. If you aren’t able to go very far, for example if you are on public transit, then move to a crowded area. The person will be less likely to continue trying to touch you if you are surrounded by others.
   • If you are at school, go tell a teacher immediately. You could say, "Ms. Anderson, I need to talk to you. Jerad was touching me inappropriately and he wouldn't stop." This isn't tattling; this is defending yourself against someone harming you.
   • If you are near your house, run home and tell your parents or another adult right away. You could say, "Mom, this creepy guy starting touching me in the park."
5. Call for help. If the person continues to harass you, call out for help. Simply yell, “Somebody help me!” and repeat it until someone hears. The yelling will likely alarm the person touching you, causing them to back off, or someone will hear and intervene.You do not need to deal with this alone.
6. Involve the police. If someone has been harassing you and inappropriately touching you, as soon as you get to safety, call 911. Tell them what happened. Tell them where you were and what the person looked like. He needs to be arrested so that he will not continue to harass people. You could tell the police, “I was riding on bus 44 at 2:00pm and this creepy guy kept groping me and wouldn’t stop.”

Slowing Down a Boyfriend

1. Talk ahead of time. It can be uncomfortable to bring up a conversation about what forms of intimacy you are comfortable with, but it is much better to do this early rather than while you are kissing. If you know that you aren’t ready for certain forms of intimacy, find a time to bring it up so that there aren’t any surprises.
   • Sometime while you’re hanging out, if there isn’t much to do, simply start a conversation by saying, “Hey, could we talk about something?” You could say something like, “I’ve been having a lot of fun with you, but before things move forward in our relationship, I wanted to talk about our physical relationship. There are certain things that I am ready for and certain things that I am uncomfortable with. Do you mind if we talk about it?”
   • It’s ok if you feel a bit awkward bringing this up. It can be difficult to discuss these matters. You could even acknowledge that you feel a little awkward by saying something like, “I’m not really sure how to bring this up, but I wanted to talk to you about our physical relationship.” Or you could say something like, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. It’s a little awkward, but I was hoping we could discuss it anyway.” You could then start the conversation by saying, “There are certain forms of touch that I enjoy, but other kinds make me uncomfortable.”
   • Decide ahead of time what is ok with you. Maybe you are ok with hand holding and cuddling, but aren’t ready for him to touch your breasts. Decide this before talking to him to make sure that you aren’t pushed out of your comfort zone by what he is ready for.
2. Move his hand away. If your boyfriend is touching you in a way you don’t like, you can start by simply moving his hand away. Maybe he just wanted to try something or got a little carried away. By moving his hand, you are giving him a clear signal that you aren’t comfortable. You can simply move his hand from the area that you don’t like him touching and put it somewhere that you are comfortable with. For example, if he is touching your butt and you don’t like this, move his hand to your hip if you are more comfortable with that, or simply hold his hand in yours. He should get the hint and know to slow down.
   • When moving his hand away you can make eye contact with him, shake your head, and say, “Not yet.” This will clearly communicate that you aren’t ready to be touched like that.
   • You should not have to do this more than once. If he keeps trying, you need to tell him to stop.
   • Instead of moving his hand away, you could move yourself away by scooting over. If you're sitting on the couch together and he's touching you in an uncomfortable way, just scoot further away from him. He should get the message that you didn't like being touched.
3. Tell him to stop. If moving his hand isn’t enough and he keeps trying, it’s time to tell him to stop. Anytime a boy touches you in a way that you are not comfortable with, tell him to stop right away. It can be as simple as saying something like, “Hey, not now” or “I’m not ready for that.” You could even just say, “Please don’t do that. You’re making me uncomfortable.” Your boyfriend needs to respect you and move at a pace that you are comfortable with. If he cares about you, he will stop right away and wait until you are both ready.
   • Make sure you stay firm when doing this, or else he might think that you were just flirting or being cute. Make it clear that you aren’t playing “hard to get,” but you’re genuinely uncomfortable. You can even tell him, “I don’t like that.”
4. Explain your reasons. You can explain to your boyfriend what you are feeling so that he understands. You could say, “I really like you, but I feel uncomfortable when you touch me because I’m not ready for that yet.” Maybe you would like him to touch you someday, but it’s moving too fast. You could say something like, “I need more time to be comfortable with that. Let’s slow down.” When he hears that you are genuinely uncomfortable, he should immediately stop pushing it and slow down.
   • Explain to him where you’re at so that he knows why he is making you uncomfortable. You could say something like, “This is my first time being in a relationship, so I’m not comfortable being touched yet.”
   • Don’t be afraid to express how you feel. Just because you are uncomfortable being touched, doesn’t mean you don’t care about him. It just means you aren’t ready for that, and that is perfectly acceptable. You can say something like, “I care about you a lot, but I’m not comfortable being touched like that yet.”
5. Clarify ways that you are comfortable being touched. If you don’t like one way that he touches you, but like other forms of touching, clarify that and let him know what you do enjoy. You could say something like, “I enjoy holding hands and I like it when you put your arm around my shoulder because I feel close to you.” It is important to communicate not only what you don’t like, but also what you do like. This will show him what he can do to make you comfortable while building your relationship.

Responding When He Won’t Stop

1. Move away from him. If your boyfriend won’t stop touching you after you’ve talked to him, this is a serious problem and a huge lack of respect on his part. Any touching in a relationship must be agreed to by both people. At this point, you need to get distance from him. Get up and walk away. If he asks what you are doing, you could say, “I told you to stop and you didn’t listen. I’m out of here!” and walk out the door. Don’t stick around to argue about it. You don’t owe him an explanation. He owes you a huge apology.
2. Tell an adult. If your boyfriend has disrespected you and refused to stop touching you, it is time to involve an adult that you trust. You could tell a parent, older sibling, teacher, coach, religious leader, or counselor. If this happened at school, the boy should be suspended. If it happened outside of school, the boy’s parents need to be involved. If he went even further than touching, law enforcement agencies may need to be involved. Make sure to reach out for help. It is not your job to deal with this alone. The fault is solely on the boy who mistreated you; none of it is your fault.
   • If you aren’t sure how to start the conversation, find a time alone with the adult and say, “Could we talk about something? I’ve been having problems in a relationship.” Then tell the adult what happened and ask for help. You could say, “My boyfriend started touching me in a way I was uncomfortable with, and when I asked him to stop, he wouldn’t listen.”
3. Leave him. Any guy who doesn't respect your wishes doesn't deserve you. You don't even need to say anything, just leave him out in the cold! If you want to say something, you could tell him, “This is over because you disrespected me and I won’t stand for that. Bye!” It's his own fault; he had several chances to stop, and you should never be with someone who doesn't listen to you.
   • If you stick with him and don't deal with it now, you will have problems in the relationship later and will continue to be mistreated. Find someone who respects and cherishes you and don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t.
4. Listen to your gut. Don’t ever try to rationalize someone else’s inappropriate behavior. If you feel at all uncomfortable, you need to acknowledge that and take immediate actions to stop what is happening. You never need to feel embarrassed or ashamed if someone is making you uncomfortable. Instead, listen to how you feel and confront the person. You can simply say, “You’re making me uncomfortable. Please stop.”

Tips

• Speak up for yourself! Anytime someone is making you uncomfortable, confront them immediately.
• Don't be afraid to tell someone if a boy touched you against your wishes.
• Stay firm and consistent when informing him that you don't want to be touched. No backing down or creating excuses for him.

Warnings

• If you're under age, tell an adult immediately if someone touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

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• Get to Know Your Boyfriend Better

Sources and Citations

See also

• Get Rid of a Fake Date Who Is Starting to Like You
• Avoid a Guy Who Likes You that Thinks You Like Him
• Tell a Guy You Don't Like Him Back
• Say No to a Boy
• Turn Down a Boy when He Asks You Out
• Tell a Guy That You're Not Allowed to Date
• Tell a Boy You Aren't Interested in a Relationship
• Avoid a Girl With a Crush
• Deal With a Guy Who Thinks You Like Him
• Let a Guy Friend Know You're Not Interested Romantically in a Nice Way

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