Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate

You finally found someone you can live with! Everything is going along great, and suddenly, you find yourself thinking of your roommate more and more, talking about them every chance you get. You never meant to develop those feelings for your roommate. Although you might not want to complicate things, you will need to take steps to deal with the situation for your own sake.

Steps

Examining Your Feelings

1. Give yourself a cooling off period. It may be that you are feeling grateful and happy that you have a roommate that you can share living space and expenses with, as well as a good friend that you can confide in. If you give yourself a month or two to just let those feelings be, you may find that they dissipate back to feelings of friendliness.
   • Think about the reasons you want to date your roommate. What is it about them that you find attractive? Do you have the same values and beliefs? If you have legitimate reasons for wanting to date them, that’s one thing. On the other hand, if you just like the thought of having someone who’s always there physically and emotionally, then it’s probably not a good idea.
2. Fight the urge to confess all. You may have the urge to simply tell them how you feel, and it may come to this eventually. However, at first, you really need to give yourself time to see where your feelings are coming from.
   • If you do end up needing to tell them how you feel, then having taken the time to examine your feelings will mean that you can express yourself rationally and clearly.
3. Don’t ignore your roommate. When we have a crush on someone, it can sometimes be difficult to talk to them without feeling like we are giving ourselves away. Try to keep everything as normal as possible.
   • Keep up the same habits as you normally would, too. If you start behaving strangely, your roommate may think something is up, and they may even think that they have done something wrong.
   • Remember that this step is not meant to be a long-term solution. Keeping things as normal as possible will give you time to think about your feelings and time to decide what to do without shaking things up, and forcing you to make rash decisions.

Deciding What to Do

1. Determine whether or not the feelings are mutual. What you end up doing about your feelings for your roommate should depend on whether or not you believe those feelings are mutual. Look for signs that your roommate has feelings for you. If you don’t think the feelings are mutual, you may still end up wanting to tell them how you feel, but without hope that they might reciprocate.
   • Be honest with yourself. When we have feelings for someone, we tend to see what we want to see. If it is unclear to you whether or not your roommate has feelings for you, chances are they don’t.
   • What is your roommate’s body language telling you? When you talk, do they touch you a lot? For example, do they often laugh and touch your arm? When they talk to you do they give you their full attention, or do they talk to you without looking at you? A person who is interested will make a lot of eye contact, and will want to give you their full attention.
   • Do they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or do they have someone that they talk about a lot? If they are already in a relationship, it would be unfair of you to impose on that relationship. If they have a person they are constantly talking about or if they have told you that they are interested in someone else, then it is a pretty good sign that they’re not interested.
2. Figure out what your options are. This refers to your options in terms of moving out versus staying in the apartment. Can you afford to move out? Do you know where you will go? Could you find a new roommate if they choose to move out themselves? If you aren’t able to afford moving out, it is probably best to keep your feelings to yourself, at least until you figure out where you will go.
   • If you tell your roommate about your feelings, they may decide that they want to move out themselves. They might also ask you to move out. If you’re convinced that you absolutely cannot keep your feelings to yourself, then you need to be prepared for this reality.
   • Would you be able to afford your share of the rent for the remainder of the lease, in addition to a new apartment? If not, would you be able to find a suitable replacement roommate to take over your share of the rent?
3. Create an exit plan. Whether or not you decide to tell your roommate about your feelings, it is a good idea to have an exit plan in the event your feelings begin to cause you stress and anguish. If you do decide to confess your feelings, having an exit plan is important because you will need to be clear that you are prepared to move out, it that is their desire.
   • What is the housing situation like where you live? In some bigger cities, the rental market is very competitive, making finding an apartment extremely challenging and expensive. Know the reality of the situation, and how long it might realistically take you to find a new apartment.
   • Ask to stay with a friend or with family. This might be an option for you if you will need a bit of time to find a new place, and if staying in the apartment will cause too much stress and awkwardness. If you can find a friend or family member to stay with for a few weeks, you will have some time to look for a new place, as well as some space to deal with your feelings.
   • Contact the university housing department. If you live in university housing, you should contact them to see what your options are. This department is set up to make sure you have a good experience in your dorm, and they will probably be willing to help however they can if you explain the situation to them. You will need to be honest with them. Explain that you have developed romantic feelings for your roommate, and that you haven’t decided what to do about those feelings yet, but that you want to be prepared to move out if necessary.

Considering Moving Out

1. Decide whether or not you need to leave. You may want to search for another place to live for several different reasons. If you have developed romantic feelings for your partner that aren’t going away, consider finding a new place.
   • If you tell your roommate about your feelings for them, and they reciprocate, then having your own space will give the new relationship the breathing room it needs to develop.
   • If you tell your roommate about your feelings, and they don’t feel the same, then moving out will give you space to move on, and avoid awkward encounters with them, and the people they may date in the future.
   • If you don’t tell them about your feelings, moving out will make it less awkward if you do decide to tell them. It will also give them space to think about how they feel about you.
2. Give your roommate a reason why you’re leaving. If you have already confessed your feelings to them, then you can be honest about your reasons for moving out. If you haven’t told them, you can still be honest by saying, “The truth is, that I’ve developed feelings for you, and I think it’s best to move out so I can have some space to deal with them.” If you don’t want to tell the truth, then make something up. If you want to remain in contact with them, and maybe move to the next level, then try to make them understand that it isn’t anything to do with them.
   • If you want to make up an excuse, you could say, for example, that you are having a hard time with the rent, and you found a cheaper place.
   • You could use distance to work or school as an excuse, as well.
   • If you can afford a place of your own, you could also say that you just want to have a space that is completely your own.
   • Do this in person. If your roommate doesn’t know you have feelings for them, they may be very surprised by your announcement. Try to be delicate, and avoid making them feel like it is their fault, if at all possible.
3. Give your roommate a time frame. If you don’t already have a place to go, then give yourself a deadline to be out of the apartment. Depending on where you live, and how difficult finding a new place is, this could range from weeks to months. This will also give them a chance to look for a new roommate, or move out themselves, if that’s what they want to do.
   • Be strict on this deadline. Tell your roommate by what date you will be out, so that they have time to find a new roommate too. Telling them the date will also keep you true to your decision.
4. Stay on good terms with them. If you do move out, regardless of the circumstances, try to stay on good terms. It isn’t your roommate’s fault that you have developed feelings.
   • This doesn’t mean you have to stay in contact with them if it doesn’t work out how you want, but you should try to avoid making them feel like they did something wrong.

Hiding Your Feelings

1. Learn to accept your platonic relationship. If, for whatever reason, you feel it is best to simply hide your feelings, then you’ll need to accept that you will only ever be just friends. By doing this, you will be able to maintain your friendship and your living situation.
   • Be aware though, that hiding your feelings for a long time may be painful and difficult for you to deal with. At some point, it is very likely that you will need to find another way to deal with your feelings. Either by confessing them, or by moving out to get some space.
   • Remember that feelings are fleeting. It may take time, but eventually you will find someone else to be attracted to, or someone might come out and confess their feelings to you. Be patient with yourself.
   • Don’t blame your roommate. This will cause feelings of resentment. It isn’t your roommates fault that you developed feelings for them, and it isn’t your fault that you developed them. Don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t be angry at your roommate. Simply try to accept that feelings have developed.
   • If you do develop feelings of resentment that you can’t cope with, then it may be time to consider moving out.
2. Create a bit of distance. If you want to keep your feelings to yourself, it may be good to create a bit of distance between the two of you, which will give you time to cool off. However, don’t try to create so much that it strains your relationship.
   • For example, if you and your roommate always hang out alone together, try to bring some other people into the mix so that it isn’t so intimate.
   • Try to avoid doing things that feel “date” like. Don’t go to the movies, dinner, or concerts alone together. This will only encourage your desire, and cause even more confusion.
3. Maintain a life outside the apartment. Spend time with your own friends, or find a new hobby. Try finding a part-time job that will get you out of the house or spend more time studying in the library. Not only will engaging in activities outside the house be good for you, it will also help you put your feelings in perspective, and may even help you get over those feelings.
   • You could try online dating to meet other people. Not only will you have something to do outside the apartment, you might meet someone who you find even more attractive than your roommate.

Acting On Your Feelings

1. Confess your feelings. You can do this by sitting them down and telling them straight out, or you can wait for a moment that feels like a way to do it more subtly.
   • You can do this in person or over the phone, but avoid doing it via text message or email. Sending a text or email will leave you waiting in anguish in response. If they don’t want to deal with it, they may even ignore it completely leaving you wondering if they received your message at all.
   • When you confess your feelings, include an offer to move out. For example, you could say, “I want you you to know how I feel, and I also want you to know that I respect your space. If you don’t feel comfortable living together anymore, I will move out, and I won’t blame you at all.”
   • If you want to tell them outright, ask if you can have dinner or lunch together outside the house (this will keep it more neutral for both of you). Tell them that you have something important to tell them, and that you hope that, regardless of the outcome, you can still be friends. Explain that it is important for you, and that you can figure out what to do about it together. Be prepared for the fact that they may not feel the same.
   • If you’d rather wait for an opening, then wait for a time when your roommate is complaining about dating, and that everyone they meet is awful for one reason or another. Then say something like, “Why not give me a chance?”, at this point, they may think you are joking. Reassure them that you are serious, and maybe add something like, “I’d really like to take you out for a date.”
2. Give them time and space to think. In either scenario, your roommate may say they need some time to think. Give them this time, and while they are mulling it over, try to keep it light and casual when you do see them. This way they can be sure that they can be honest about their feelings.
   • Do your best to stay out of their way. Let your roommate know that you want to respect their need for time to think, and let them know you’ll be spending a few days at so-and-so’s house. If that’s not possible, do your best to stay out of the apartment as much as possible, and when you are at home, try to stay in your room whenever possible.
3. Be respectful of their answer. Hopefully, they won’t make you wait too long for an answer, but be patient. You can hope that they will give you the response you want, but be prepared for the reality that they might reject you, and may even ask you to move out. Whatever they say, be respectful.
   • If they feel the same, great! Congratulations! However, you now need to talk with your new lover about how you should proceed. Most importantly, whether or not you will remain roommates, or if one of you will move out. At this point, you should also talk about how you can deal with things in the (hopefully unlikely) event that it doesn’t work out.
   • If they don’t feel the same, then be graceful. Don’t yell or cry. Say something like, “That’s too bad, but I understand.” If this happens, you need to figure out where you can get over your feelings while still living with them, or whether you need to move out. Either way, you should try to talk about the next steps with your roommate.
   • If you do get rejected, try to remind yourself that at least now you know. You can at least feel the relief of having found out for sure.

Tips

• Taking some time to let the situation develop is essential. There is often a "honeymoon" period when we meet someone new, and we just "fall in love." It's not always romantic love, even though that's what it feels like at first. Sometimes, it's just a crush we develop because we love everything about this person so much, and it will pass.

Warnings

• Life is not a sitcom or a romantic comedy. Don't expect it to play out like one, or you will end up disappointed sooner or later.
• Avoid trying to make a move, such as trying to kiss your roommate. If you do this, it is a pretty hard place to come back from, especially if your roommate doesn’t feel the same.

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Sources and Citations

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