Handle an Unexplained Breakup
A break-up can be hard, but an unexplained one can be even harder. You're left wondering what you've done, and whether it was your fault, or if there was anything you could have done to save it.
Contents
Steps
- Examine the relationship deeply for what may have gone wrong. Go over what made you unhappy and what made your ex unhappy. Look at what was significant in the relationship to try to determine what may have caused your ex to want to break up without first trying to work things out. Perhaps your ex feels that s/he did try - but you didn't.
- Consider the fact that your ex may have been cheating. Many times, cheating causes guilt, which in turn causes inexplicable, rash, and sudden actions. Or, even without guilt, cheating may cause one to want to leave the relationship for someone else.
- Ask for an explanation. You deserve an explanation at the very least, so try to ask what went wrong. Point out that you should know what you did so you can learn and improve in the next relationship. Avoid angry or accusatory language, and avoid begging for your ex to return.
- Consider whether there's any point to asking for a chance to work things out. Sometimes, relationships are just not worth resurrecting. Other times, though, something may still be there, and it might be worth working it out.
- Learn from your former relationship. All relationships can teach you something - what works and what doesn't work for you, how you really are in some situations - and it's worth learning what things you should improve.
- Let it go if you cannot work things out. Go over it in your mind enough to process and work through the emotions and confusion, but try not to obsess. Get support from your family, try to refocus on work, hobbies, or a pet to help you through the hardest part.
- Call friends for support. Dealing with a breakup by yourself is tough, so lean on your friends for support. Definitely ask them for help in hashing it over enough to give yourself some closure. This way, they will feel they're helping you and will be prepared to discuss your troubles and feelings with you - and will be less likely to feel put upon by you crying on their shoulders.
- Give yourself time to recover before finding another person. Feeling sad and down is normal, and okay. You may even feel lonely, which is normal. Rebound relationships rarely work, but if you both understand that it's not a serious commitment-type relationship, but more a casual, recovery-type thing, it may actually help you feel more confident and stable. One of the worst side-effects of being unceremoniously dumped is that you feel like you were blind-sided, and that makes you feel dumb. Feeling dumb makes you doubt yourself, your decisions and your ability to judge people. It certainly undermines your sense of self-worth and your willingness to trust others. Whether you decide to go it alone for a while or indulge in a little casual dating, know that these feelings are unavoidable and will pass with time.
- Avoid feeling sorry for yourself. It's hard to avoid at first, that's understandable, but giving up isn't going to get you back on your feet. Try to work towards happiness again. Begin doing things you like, go to concerts and movies, and hang out with your friends.
- Know that you will love again. Many think that they won't love again, but then they find someone else and they do love again. Most find that all the trials, struggles and pains of previous relationships have taught them to be a better partner, and therefore go on to much more stable, happier relationships in the future. Know that the same is true for you - relax and let it happen in its own time.
Tips
- If you don't get an answer, try to let it go. It's not your fault you aren't getting an answer, just let it go as best you can, and move on.
- Don't blame yourself for what happened unless you can point to ways in which you were responsible. Your ex made the decision to mysteriously break up. You can only be responsible for decisions you make, not those of others.
- If your ex says, "it's not you, it's me," don't assume it's a lie. Sometimes, it really is true.
- First think about it if she really loved you she wouldn't of said she wants to break up, so just get over it and start again.
- Don't try to get back at them or seek revenge. Trying to seek vengeance will end up making you feel worse about yourself in the long run.
- The best way to avoid breakups is to forgive the person you ended the relationship with.
Warnings
- It will be very hard. One of the worst things about this type of breakup is that you can be under the impression that things are okay. But often, if you really think about it, you will recall little signs that might have let you know cracks were deepening. Just take your time and work through the pain, and you will come out on the other side, stronger and better.
