Avoid Fights with Your Girlfriends

Fighting is never enjoyable. Heading off confrontations with your best friends before they begin can be a tricky skill to master. Luckily, learning how to keep your relationships on an even keel daily can lessen the likelihood of future flare ups.

Steps

Keeping It Real

  1. Be honest. If your bestie is obsessed with beaded purses and you yawn at the sight of them, share your feelings. You don’t always have to love the same things. Being genuine about your likes and dislikes, though, could prevent resentments from building over time. Just make sure that you share your preferences in a polite way.
    • For example, you might say something like, “Beaded purses are so you and you make them look great! I prefer non-beaded purses.”
  2. Maintain good communication. It's important to stay in touch with your girlfriends often, but in an appropriate way. Periodically texting, tweeting and talking on the phone are great for everyday communication in addition to face to face conversations. Judge your means of communication on the type of communication, however. Twitter is fun, but not the best tool for carrying on a serious conversation. Some ways to keep the lines of contact open include:
    • Sending a “Good morning” text to brighten a friend's day
    • Checking in after stressful experiences such as tests or doctors' appointments
    • Returning messages promptly, even if it's just to say "I can't talk right now; call you later!"
    • Reaching out to make meeting plans
  3. Spend time together often. If the only time you hang out is during class or on lunch break, you need to schedule some ‘we’ time, stat! Relationships are built on shared experiences. If you’re never even in the same zip code, however, disagreements will grow while your friendship withers. A few fun hangout ideas include:
    • Arranging to get a pedicure together
    • Going to see a movie
    • Working out at the gym or going for a jog
  4. Don't be judgmental. Is your friend's new haircut horrible? If she loves it then you'd be better off withholding your two cents. Supporting your pals even when they've made questionable choices is part of being a true friend. Offering your opinion, especially when your friend hasn't asked for it, creates a situation where the other person can feel unduly criticized and judged.

Maintaining Relationships

  1. Be loyal. Don’t talk about your buddy behind their back. It’s disloyal and disrespectful. And chances are it won’t take long for your opinions to reach your friend’s ears. Hearing criticism from a third party is very hurtful and will likely trigger an argument.
  2. Find the humor. If things turn too serious while you’re hanging out, lighten the mood with laughter. Laughing releases feel-good chemicals that help dissipate stress hormones. [1] And sharing a chuckle might help you share a solution to any issues at hand. A few ways to lesson tension in the moment might include:
    • Watching a funny video online
    • Telling them a joke
    • Following a comedian on Twitter
  3. Listen, don’t interrupt. Arguments sometimes spring from a feeling of not being heard. Make it a habit to quietly pay attention to your pal’s thoughts and personal feelings. Doing so shows respect and builds trust between the two of you. Some good listening strategies include:
    • Making eye contact and facing your girlfriend when she is talking.
    • Using neutral, leading phrases to show you are paying attention, such as “yes,” “go on,” and “I see.”[2]
    • Eliminating distractions by turning off your cell phone, closing your laptop, and turning off the TV.
    • Rephrasing what your friend has just said. You can summarize something your girlfriend just said and turn it into a question or statement to clarify.[3] For example, if your friend has just been telling you about a fight she had with someone else, you might say something like, “So she just slammed the door in your face and you haven’t talked since then?”
  4. Learn how to respectfully disagree. No two people will ever agree 100% of the time. So when a minor disagreement pops up, be especially considerate of the other person's viewpoint. Shutting your friend down and declaring yourself right will only breed resentment, paving the way for future arguments. Emphasize instead points of agreement between you and never invalidate your pal's perspective on things.[4]
    • For example, if your friend hated a movie that you really enjoyed, then you might say something like, “I think that we both agree that that movie had some great moments, and it is okay that you did not like it as much as I did. I value your perspective and I still like going to the movies with you even if we have different tastes.”
  5. Be reliable. Keep your word, always. Trust is at the heart of all good relationships. If you keep cancelling outings at the last minute your pals will rightfully start to be bothered by your unreliability. Or, if you promise to feed your friend's cat and forget, expect a long wait between before their next text message. Being a good friend means making promises and keeping them.

Handling The Issues

  1. Admit any mistakes. If you sense an argument building, own up to any mistakes you’ve made. Sometimes that’s all it takes to transform your friend from angry to agreeable. Plus, saying you’re sorry will position you to receive an apology too, if warranted.[5]
    • For example, if you were late to meet your friend for lunch, then you might say something like, “I am sorry for being late for our lunch date! I feel really bad about keeping you waiting.”
  2. Stay focused. If things are still going south, don’t bring up prior disagreements. Therapists say ‘stockpiling’ issues from previous arguments and then unleashing them later aggravates the situation.[6] To bring a swift end to an argument stay focused only on the subject at hand.
    • For example, don’t bring up something that happened three years ago as extra ammunition during an argument. Just focus on the problem at hand.
  3. Establish common ground. When things are turning tense, look for points of compatibility. Getting back to ‘normal’ in a relationship can sometimes be as simple as reminding the other person that you agree much more than you disagree.
    • For example, you could recall your shared dislike of handlebar mustaches, have a laugh and move on.
    • If the point of disagreement is something more serious, then you might try to find something about your values that bonds you together. For example, you might remind your friend that you both value nature conservation, even if you don’t always agree about the best way to accomplish it.
  4. Take five. If tempers are rising suggest a short break from the conversation. Anger can sometimes cause us to say things we later regret. Also, it gives you both useful time to process your thoughts and emotions.[7]
    • Try telling your friend something like, “I really want us to talk about this, but I think we should wait until we are both feeling more relaxed. Do you want to talk about it tonight after our aerobics class?”

Tips

  • Don’t ditch your friends for something better. Send a clear message that they matter by showing up to scheduled events.
  • If they mess up, be forgiving. You never know when the shoe might be on the other foot, after all.
  • Don't withhold your true feelings. You deserve to be heard as much as your friend does.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201111/being-good-listener
  3. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/21/7-tips-to-become-a-better-listener/
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201201/the-art-disagreeing-agreeably
  5. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/just_one_thing_admit_fault_and_move_on
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments
  7. ↑ http://www.couplescounselingchicago.net/how-to-call-a-couples-time-out-to-avoid-a-fight/
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