Break Up with Your Girlfriend Nicely

Breaking up is never, ever, easy, but it's perhaps even harder to simply continue on in a relationship one isn't happy with. Breaking up with your girlfriend nicely is all about being honest while letting them down softly. Try to be understanding, available, and compassionate when you do it, and you won't have someone who loved you turn into someone who hates you. Read on for some helpful hints about what to do, what not to do, and some sample ideas you can use for inspiration.

Steps

What Not To Do

  1. Don't break up with your partner by text, phone or email. This is disrespectful, and for your soon-to-be ex, it can feel like you're being evasive. Have the decency to do it privately and in person.
    • You might not realize it, but there are benefits to ending a relationship in person. For one thing, it gives both people a chance to talk and reflect on the situation. And even though it will be harder to do, it will most likely lead to less drama, which is a good thing.
  2. Don't place blame solely on the other person for the breakup. Things are never that simple. Be prepared to discuss your relationship without pointing your finger.
    • You can probably find bad things about your relationship that you contributed to, if you really wanted. In an effort to be fair, and to not have your ex-girlfriend feel like she is directly responsible for the end of the relationship, be sure to mention the things that you could have changed to make the relationship better.
    • In some cases, the blame will be solely on the other person. In those situations, it's okay to tell it like it is. If your girlfriend is cheating, abusing drugs, manipulative, or increasingly disrespecting you, you can lay the blame directly on her actions.
      • In most cases, this can cause an argument, so be prepared. The upside is that you're being honest with both yourself and her why the relationship didn't work, leaving you both with a better chance of finding lasting love later on. Isn't that what you both want?
  3. Don't lead your ex on. If you don't want to be friends afterward, don't leave the door open for that possibility. Find a nice way to say it. Instead of "Oh yeah, and I don't want to stay friends afterwards, just so you know," try something like "You know that I care for you. I just don't think it will be healthy for either of us to stay friends immediately after we break up. Hopefully sometime down the road, when we've both figured stuff out, we can get to that place."
  4. Don't be a blabbermouth. Use discretion when telling mutual friends about your break up. Bragging or gossiping could be very hurtful to someone who may already be in a fragile emotional state. On top of that, it could encourage your ex to sling some nasty rumors your way, and generally cause some immature behavior.
    • Tell your close friends, but don't publicize your breakup to acquaintances or people you hardly know. It's probably a good idea to tell your close friends what happened between you and your ex. It's probably not such a great idea to start telling your entire social circle via Facebook, or every girl in your school, that you and your ex are history. It just smacks of desperation.
  5. Don't be petty. Being "petty" can be hard to define, but it usually includes doing things that you wouldn't want your girlfriend to do with you if she were hypothetically breaking up with you. This is called the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It's a great rule.
    • Don't cheat on your ex before you break up with them. If something is simmering between you and another girl, have the decency to wait a bit, really think about your feelings, and break up with your current girlfriend before you do anything with the other girl. It will look better to your ex, and feel better for you.
    • Don't treat them poorly before the relationship has ended. (Better yet, don't treat them poorly at all.) If you're still in a relationship, you owe something to the other person. It's not really okay to check out before things have ended. If you don't feel like being nice to your girlfriend, you owe it to her to give her the opportunity to find someone who can.

What To Do

  1. Try to minimize the heartache. There is no way around the fact that this is going to hurt the other person. It's just like ripping off a bandage — if you rip it off all in one go, the pain will be over quickly, but if you do it slowly, it will hurt for longer. You can help minimize the heartbreak in a couple of ways:
    • Don't be distant. Even if you don't really feel like it, offer hugs and other appropriate signs of affection if your ex looks like she needs it. Be reassuring, not selfish.
    • Find the right time to break up. Obviously, there's never a perfect time. But right before a celebration, test, or vacation is a bad time to do it. Give yourself enough time, and try to do it when she doesn't have anything else significant going on afterward.
    • Resist the urge to argue. When someone is being broken up with, there's a good chance they're going to be angry. Don't feed her anger by provoking, debating, or belittling her. Ex-lovers often say very hurtful things when they argue.
  2. Be prepared for a range of emotions. When you finally break up, you have to be prepared for anything. It could be sadness, anger, or even a lack of emotion. It's okay to feel any and all of these emotions during a breakup. If you feel like showing emotion, don't hold back. If the emotion isn't there, for whatever reason, don't force it.
  3. Give her a truthful explanation. It's the least that she deserves. If you can't come up with a legitimate reason for why you're no longer interested in the relationship, try thinking it over; talk with a friend. It doesn't have to be perfect, but it should be legitimate. You owe it to her.
    • Show her that you've given it some thought, and offer her some facts to back it up. Don't be aggressive or combative. When explaining the reasons for a breakup, don't talk about other relationships. Your relationship is your own, and breaking up isn't about comparing your relationship to anyone else's.
    • Stay there for as long as she needs an explanation. Don't run out the door as soon as you've said the words "let's break up." Stay with her while she's processing the information, answering any follow-up questions she may have. If you keep returning to the same questions over and over again, tell her that you think that's happening.
  4. Be reassuring. If it's appropriate, let her know why you think that she'll make an excellent girlfriend for someone else sometime down the road. Talk about the aspects of her personality that attracted you to her in the beginning, and the traits of hers that stayed strong during the relationship. This way, she won't feel as horrible; it could do something good for her confidence, which will probably be shaken by the breakup.
  5. Offer to talk with her at a later time if she has any questions. Unless you've decided that it's absolutely the best to not talk after the breakup, give her the option of discussing things when the situation is a little more calm. This will give you both time to think, and may help her feel like she is also given a chance to get things off her chest.

Additional Help

Doc:Breakups,Ways to Get Over a Breakup,Negative Reactions to a Breakup

Tips

  • Don't feel guilty about breaking up with your girlfriend, if you try to prolong the break up it will only make it worse.
  • Do not aggravate the situation by sending unpleasant messages or phone calls.
  • Following these rules will make the process less painful for both of you. It may even get you a positive reference in the future.
  • Wait some time before getting another girlfriend, especially if your former girlfriend often runs into you.
  • Never say any of the classic break up lines like "It's not you, it's me."
  • Put yourself in their place. Imagine how it would feel if you were the one being dumped.
  • Try to ask her if she still wants to be friends though, as you might start a great friendship.
  • Say to your partner when breaking up "I think it's probably better that we are just friends" but say it nicely and smile. She probably won't get as upset (obviously she will be) as "I hate you, we're breaking up".
  • Don't let her think you could possibly get back together if you have no intention of doing so.

Warnings

  • No matter how nice you are, the pain is still the same, and she's going to resent you whether you just say it or are the nicest you can be.
  • Do not talk to her in the following days. After a few days go by, it might be tempting to see how she is doing to ease your guilt, and also see how she is coping with the break up. This is often bad because it might remind her of the relationship that was lost and doesn't let her move on. Keep in mind that most people get past stress with either anger or depression. Anger is much more productive for them and allows them to move on in a healthy way. If you see her with someone else keep your cool, because you broke up with her, and its time for both of you to move on.

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