Deal With a Player

It’s not easy to deal with a player. Whether you’re just starting to fall for him or are finding yourself getting into a relationship with a known player, it’s important to let him know early on that you’re not interested in his antics. If you do like the player, however, and know he won’t be changing his ways any time soon, then you better just take the relationship for the fun, lighthearted thing that it is — or leave it behind.

Steps

Managing Your Expectations

  1. Decide if you want to play. If you’re positive that you have a living, breathing player on your hands, then the first thing you need to do is to decide if you really want to engage. If you’re sensitive, looking for true love, and want a man you can spend a lot of your time with, then you should not engage. However, if you’re okay with being with a guy who sees other people, and with seeing other people yourself, then you can go for it, but you should know what to expect before you start the relationship.
    • Of course, before you decide if you want to play, you have to make sure you’re dealing with a player first. Don’t use reputation alone to make your decision, and see for yourself. Check to see if the guy really does see multiple girls at once or if he’s just a flirt; there’s a big difference.
  2. Don’t expect too much from him. One way to keep yourself from getting hurt is to not expect the world from the player. He can take you out to dinner, he can kiss you passionately in the moonlight later, and he can whisper sweet nothings in your ear all night long, but he won’t be there to pick up soup for you when you’re feeling sick or to meet your mother. As long as you know what the player is good and isn’t good for, you’ll be able to deal with him without a problem.[1]
    • If you’re looking to find Mr. Right, then he may not be it. Though some players do change and settle down, this is not the norm.
  3. Don’t be jealous. If you’re the jealous type, then there’s no sense in trying to get anything going with a player. If you find yourself getting jealous when you’re dating completely monogamous, totally committed guys, then dating a player is out of the question for you. However, if you’re okay with more casual flings and don’t care who else is texting your man — and don’t care if he knows who else is texting you — then you’ll be able to deal with the player much more easily.
    • If you express jealousy, then the player is likely to back off, since he won’t have the patience to deal with it. As soon as you start getting suspicious or antsy, he’ll begin to suspect this isn’t the right thing for him. Then again, if you really are upset because he’s seeing other girls, then back out.
  4. Don’t put pressure on him. Players aren’t there to take the big relationship steps with you. There’s no sense in trying to get a player to really commit to you, whether you want him to move in with you, meet your sister and friends, or take a weekend hike with you. If he’s not into all that, then trying to force it will only make him more cautious around you. Of course, wanting commitment from a man is perfectly natural, but it’s not likely that you’ll be getting it from a player.
    • Instead, let things go at their own pace. In an ideal situation, things just reach a natural progression, and you’ll both takes to grow closer when the time is right. If you feel like you’re always pressuring him, then it’s a sign that you want something more and that you should move on.
  5. Don’t take him too seriously. Another way to make sure you don’t get too attached to the player is not to take him too seriously. Don’t read into every little phone call, text message, or Facebook wall post that he makes, thinking that it means something big for your relationship. Be more lighthearted about him and you’ll see that you’ll be saving yourself a lot of stress in the process. If he shows up late to your date, you can school him a little, but you can’t let him ruin your night. After all, a player sticks to his own schedule.
    • Being with a player is all about having fun, and you should enjoy the carefree benefits of the relationship. If you hold the player to the same standards as a serious boyfriend or a husband, then you are bound to be disappointed.
  6. Don’t get too attached. The best thing you can do with a player is not let him get into your head or your heart. Don’t think about taking vacation with him next summer. Don’t think about what a great dad he’ll be, or how sexy he’ll look with some gray in his hair. Don’t sit around twirling your hair thinking about what he’s up to, either. If you start getting attached to a player as if he were a responsible, committed man, then you’re bound to set yourself up for heartbreak.
    • If you find yourself lonely whenever you’re not with him or wondering what he’s up to or when you’ll get to see him next, then you have already gotten attached. It’s perfectly natural to get attached in a relationship — but if you get attached to a player, you’re setting yourself up to fail.
  7. Set the tone early. Another thing you can do to manage your expectations, as well as the expectations of the player, is to let him know early on what will fly and what won’t. If you’re not cool with him disappearing for hours with no explanation, you can say so. If you’re not down with him checking out other girls in front of you, then let it be known. If he thinks he can get away with anything around you, then there will be no stopping him.
    • Another thing you can do is let him know if you’re not okay with the late-night booty call. If he texts you or calls you asking to hang after midnight, tell him you want a date first so he knows what to do, next time. If you let him get away with these antics early on, then it’ll be harder for him to break the habit.

Dating a Player

  1. Beat him at his own game. If you really want to date a player, then you can be a playerette, if that’s your thing. If he’s seeing other girls while dating you, then what’s there to stop you from hanging out with a few other guys you’re crushing on? If he goes out late without saying what he’s up to, you’re free to do the same. Contrary to popular belief, not every single girl out there is looking for a stable relationship, kids, or a white picket fence. If you want to be a playerette, too, then go for it; of course, if that’s not your thing, don’t feel compelled to beat him at his own game.
    • However, if you were dating a player without realizing it, that’s a different story. If you found this out the hard way and you’re much more into monogamy, let him know that he really hurt you, but don’t feel compelled to fight fire with fire if it’s not in your nature.
  2. Play hard to get. Another way to get a player’s attention is to play hard to get. If he thinks you’re at his beck and call, then he won’t have any incentive to chase you down. To play hard to get, don’t be there to answer the phone every time he calls. Don’t be available if he asks you out the day-of, or even the day before. Flirt with him, but don’t make him think he has you in the palms of his hands. Let him see that you’re worth the chase.
    • Don’t tell him how much you love him all the time. Just be flirty and give him a few compliments while teasing him and keeping things light instead.
    • Make him work for it. Show him that you still expect to have nice dates, go dancing, or do whatever you want to do together if he plans to roll with you.
  3. Keep your guard up. Don’t let a player get to know exactly who you are. You can reveal things to him, but don’t pour out your heart and soul to him, or you’re bound to be disappointed. You don’t have to lie or pretend like you don’t have feelings, but you don’t want to be completely vulnerable around the player unless you want to get burned. If he starts opening up to you a bit, you can follow suit, but make sure not to give too much up at once.
    • Letting your guard down can be tempting, especially if you’re with someone you’re really starting to like. However, the more you reveal to him, the more you’ll regret later when your relationship is over. You can tell him what’s on your mind, but avoid telling him your deepest, darkest secrets may lead you to cringe later.
  4. Keep doing your own thing. If you want to date a player, then you can’t spend all of your time at his side. You have to continue to be an independent woman and to enjoy the time you spend with your friends, doing the things you love, from yoga to writing poetry, and to maybe even look out for other guys while you’re at it. If you start doing all of the things the player does and losing interest in your own hobbies and your own lives, then a red flag will go up for him.
    • Don’t ever forget about spending time with your girlfriends. They will center you and will remind you of who you really are. If you ditch them for the player, then they won’t be there when you come crawling back to them.
    • Pursuing your own hobbies and interests can help you develop your identity and to stay centered. Don’t give up the things you love to do on your own to spend time with the player all the time.
  5. Don’t spend too much time with him. Don’t count on a player for too much quality time. Though you can go out once or even twice a week, he won’t be the guy who watches TV in his pajamas with you all day, and he won’t be free to meet up for lunch or brunch whenever you’re missing him. If you’re co-dependent or the type of person who loves spending 24/7 with whomever she’s dating, then this player is not for you.
    • Instead, fill your schedule with time with your friends, as well as time to be on your own to decompress and do your own thing, and you’ll be better off.
  6. Be friendly with his friends. If he’s a true player, then his friends may not take the time to really get to know you because they’ll be seeing you as the latest Flavor of the Week. Still, if you start coming around more often, there’s no need to be less than nice or even cold to his friends; work to be friendly with them and to show that you want to get to know them a bit without butting in to their conversations too much. At the end of the day, a player cares what his friends think about his girl, so it’s important to leave them with a good impression.
    • You may not think his friends are the greatest people in the world, but nothing is stopping you from saying hi and asking how they’re doing when you see them. Make it easier for yourself to get along with them, and your time with the player will be more enjoyable.
  7. Stay in control. If you want to date a player, then you can’t let him make all the calls. He may think that he can tell you where to meet him and what you’ll be doing all the time, but it’s up to you to show him that you have other ideas. He can pick when and where to hang out, sometimes, but you can do the same. You don’t have to hang out around his schedule, either; he can hang out when it’s best for you. Staying in control of the relationship will make the player see that you’re a force to be reckoned with.
    • If the player feels like he has you under his thumb, he’ll be much less intrigued than he’d be if you’re behind the steering wheel.

Keeping Him Interested

  1. Keep your options open. That’s right. If you want the player to stay interested, then you can’t put all your eggs in one basket, either. Make it known that you’re open to seeing other people, that you’re not closing down your walls just for him and that you’re just as free-spirited as he is. If you’re looking for something more serious and know he’s not it, it’s cool to keep hanging with him while looking for something more, if he knows the score. Don’t feel restricted to just hanging out with the player if he’ll be doing his own thing, too.
    • Plus, if you’re looking for something more than a player, keeping your options open can lead you to find that special guy you were looking for. If you’re bogged down with a player all the time, you may be missing out on the perfect guy.
  2. Keep him on his toes. If you want to keep a player interested, then you’ve got to keep him feeling alert, and like he doesn’t know exactly what to expect from you. You can challenge him, show him that you’re not afraid of proving him wrong when it’s necessary, and avoid letting him “teach” you how to do everything, from playing pool to mini-golfing. Let him see that you’re watching him and you expect his A-game, too.[2]
    • Show him that you’re capable, too. If he teases you, respond with a quick comeback. If he spouts off his baseball knowledge, spit out a few impressive facts. Show him that you’re ready to play ball.
  3. Be a bit mysterious. A player doesn’t want a girl who puts it all on the line. You don’t have to let him know exactly who you are and what’s on your mind. If you’re stepping out to meet a friend, you don’t have to say who it is. If you moved around a lot as a kid, you can leave it at that instead of giving him all the details. If you show up late, you don’t have to say what held you up all the time. You don’t need to lie to shroud yourself in a bit of mystery.
    • Though you don’t need to wear black sunglasses or an edgy hat, you can work on being less completely open so the player will have to do more work to get to know you.
  4. Limit your communication. You can talk to the player, but avoid calling him every day or texting him every night to check in or to say that you’re thinking of him. You can call him first when you feel like it, but make sure you take turns reaching out to each other. Don’t feel compelled to send him an email or Facebook message with a link to an article that made you think of him; you can save that for your future boyfriend. Limiting your communication will show him that you have better things to do than to worry about him all the time, and he’ll be even more intrigued by you.
    • As a rule, you should text each other about the same amount. If he’s calling you a lot, then you should call him at least a few times to keep things fairly even.
  5. Let him see you having a good time with other guys. If he’s a player, then you can play on. Dance it up with some other guys, and if you’re in an open relationship, let them take you out to dinner, too. You shouldn’t do this just to make the player jealous, but if there are other guys you like and you and the player are okay with doing your thing, then you don’t need to be secretive. Show him that you’re okay with doing your own thing, too.
    • Just make sure that it’s not the case that you and the player actually like each other and that you’re just using other people to make each other jealous. That happens, too.
  6. Know when to call it quits. Though dating a player can be a fun way to pass a summer or a boring cold winter, there will come a time when you need to cut the player loose. There can be a number of reasons for doing this, but the one that comes up the most is that you find yourself getting too attached without getting anything back. Be honest with yourself and make sure not to prolong the relationship if you find yourself really wanting something more.
    • Trust your gut. If you suspect that you’re starting to feel some heartache, then that’s probably the case. If you think your feelings are too strong and the player isn’t going to be there for you, then it’s time to say your goodbyes.

Tips

  • It's true: ACTIONS speak louder than words. "Listen" to his actions.
  • If you're not sure, go out in groups (or at least couples). Meet his parents. Consider what is important to him (what he talks about, buys, shows outwardly about himself). How does he treat less fortunate people? That's probably your biggest clue! And if you feel he's not showing you who he "really" is, you're probably right.

Warnings

  • Listen to warning signals and don't lie to yourself. A player ALWAYS brings more pain than pleasure.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.poshglam.com/dealing-with-a-player-bring-your-a-game/
  2. ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/player_100/104c_love_games.html
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