Discuss Important Issues with Your Parents

Whether you failed a class or wrecked your car, whether you want to stay at a friend's house for the night, or move in with your other parent, or come out of the closet, there are some simple basics that will help you talk to your parents about it.

Steps

  1. Act like an adult. Use proper grammar and keep a calm tone of voice. Don't whine. Present yourself as maturely as possible.
  2. Plan your whole discussion. Go over it again and again in your head. Write down the main points you want to be sure to hit. It still probably won't come out that way when it comes down to it, but at least you'll have an outline to follow. If you want you could make a power point presentation. Your parents might get a kick out of it.
  3. Do your homework. You know your parents better than anyone. Try to anticipate their reaction to what you say. If you have an idea of how they will react, make sure you already know what you will say in response. This will keep you from getting flustered and saying something that will make things worse.
  4. Stay calm, be professional, and tell the truth. As a matter of fact, you will be much more successful if you have a reputation for telling the truth to begin with. Remember, you can't believe a liar, even when s/he's telling the truth. If you gain a reputation for being less than truthful, it will be years before you are thought of as anything but a liar.
  5. Be direct and come right out with your situation. Don't beat around the bush and falter, stammer, stutter, and stumble over yourself. They understand that you have serious situation - you don't ask them to come in and sit down when you just want to spend the night at a friend's house. Take a deep breath, think about what you want to say, and then simply say it. Deal with the aftermath once you've stated the problem or request.
  6. Handle their objections with respect. Your parents love you, and they want the best for you. They have years of experience that you lack. Keep in mind that, if you present an idea to your folks that looks good and sound to them, there will be no objections. It's only when they see trouble ahead that your parents will argue or deny you permission. You must respect their ability to think around ideas more thoroughly than you do. If your parents raise an objection that you cannot immediately counter, ask for time to consider the problem. In turn, they will respect your thoughtful response.
  7. Take their responses gracefully. No matter what you have shared with your parents, they will still love you. Their love does not guarantee that they won't be angry, disappointed, or upset. If you allow them their feelings and give them time to process their initial feelings before allowing things to turn into a huge conflagration, this and all future "serious talks" will go better. Know how to handle various situations:
    • Example 1: You are getting an F in chemistry. You sit your parents down, tell them, and their first reaction is anger, then they ground you for six months. Instead of yelling back and running to your room in tears, then sneaking out of the house anyhow, try talking to them. First, accept their anger - say, "I don't blame you for being angry, I'm angry and upset, too. But yelling at me and grounding me isn't going to change the F. I need your help." Tell them that you thought you could handle the class, but it turned out to be harder than you expected. Tell them how upset and embarrassed you are to be failing. Ask if they could help you find a tutor, talk to the teacher to negotiate a way for you to pass (ie, extra work, re-take a test, etc). Approaching the problem this way shows your parents that you care, that you want to handle the problem responsibly, and that you are mature enough to absorb their anger without reflecting it back on them.
    • Example 2: You and your mom constantly fight, and you want to move in with your dad and his new wife. Expect your mother to cry and be terribly hurt. She feels you are rejecting her (and this may be not that long after she felt your dad rejected her) and choosing someone over her. If you approach it with sensitivity for her situation, you will be more successful. Instead, try saying, "I hate you, I'm moving in with dad" is not going to work - your mom probably has court-ordered custody of you and/or your siblings. But saying, "Mom, I want you to know how much I love you, no matter how much we fight. The thing is, I miss being with Dad every day. I'm not saying this is forever, but I would like to live with him for a while, at least. Can we try it? If it doesn't work out, of course, I'll come home right away. And it might not last that long anyhow - I just want to see how it is with Dad; it would give me a fresh start at a new school, and I might have better prospects than where I'm at right now. Can we at least think about it?" This reassures your mom as to your feelings for her, and gives her some concrete, objective reasons to think about allowing the move, rather than just having another fight.
    • Example 3: You are gay and want to come out to your parents. For a more detailed exploration of this, see How To Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen. But generally, anticipate their concern. They will probably be sad - remember, if you're a girl, they've been planning your wedding since the day you were born. If you're a boy, they've been dreaming of all the girls you'd bring home. They will feel sad that they won't have grandchildren (of course, that may not be true - you may give them grandchildren by any number of means these days; in vitro or adoption are two possibilities). You must give them time to grieve the dreams that will not come to pass. Stating your orientation calmly and firmly, and not allowing them to become hysterical is key.
  8. Know when to end the discussion. Don't allow the situation to escalate out of control. If your news has them in a tizzy, remaining calm is crucial - and sometimes that means that you must end the conversation and leave them to their thoughts or to discuss it between themselves. Before you all start saying things that will be difficult to forgive later, instead, say, "I can see how upset you are. But this isn't going to be productive. Let's agree to disagree for the moment (or, let's not take this further right now) and table it for later, okay? I'm going to go to my room and give you some space to process this whole thing - I know it's a lot to take in. Thanks for listening. We'll talk more later."

Tips

  • Ask to not be interrupted until you say what you have to say. This makes it easier to get your point across.
    • Try to catch them in a good mood.
  • The longer you put off a mistake you have made, the less your parents will respect you. Tell your parents right away, no matter how you feel. Most parents are more understanding when you come to them immediately.
  • Make sure your parents are in a good mood before you talk to them about something. If they are, they will listen and respect what you think.

Warnings

  • Don't just bulldoze them. Come in with the understanding that your news may be difficult for them to handle, and be prepared to be direct without being so blunt that you crush them. Know that they may have a hard time hearing what you have to say, and give them space and time to understand how to react.

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