Fall Back in Love With Someone

Many people work very hard to get into a long-term relationship, but don’t always know what to do to maintain love and affection once a relationship is well-established. Often the practicalities of life, finances, raising children, or other factors can get in the way of focusing on the love and happiness that you feel towards your partner. You can recapture those feelings if you are willing to put in the time and the effort.

Steps

Communicating with Your Partner

  1. State your needs explicitly. [1] Don't expect a longtime partner to read your mind. If you find yourself becoming frustrated that your partner does not meet your needs or expectations, try having a conversation in which you outline those needs.[2]
    • For example, you may feel as though your partner does not appreciate you because she does not tell you that she appreciates you. It’s quite possible that she feels appreciative and notices all of the things that you do, but she doesn’t say anything about them. In this case, you might tell her, “Sometimes I feel unappreciated. It would help me feel more appreciated if you would verbally acknowledge what I have done and thank me for it.”
    • Another example is if you feel as though your partner is no longer attracted to you because she does not typically initiate intimacy. If this is the case, tell her how you feel and explain how you would like her to act differently.
  2. Ask about your partner’s needs. [1] When discussing your emotional needs, be sure to offer reciprocation by asking what your partner’s needs are. If your partner tends to be less communicative about emotions, you may need to help her find the language to communicate her needs. Be patient and realize that she may need time to think about it before responding. If she asks for time, don’t forget to follow up. When she does talk to you, really listen to and try to understand what she says.[3]
  3. Be sensitive to your partner’s needs. [1] Once you have shared your needs with each other, you and your partner should try to put your knowledge into action. You may even work together to create an “action plan” to implement meeting each other’s needs.
    • For example, if your partner wishes for you to verbally communicate your appreciation for her, you might set a reminder on your phone to pay her a compliment a couple of times a week.
    • You could say things like, “thank you for planning and organizing our upcoming vacation. I know you have worked very hard to try to make everything go smoothly for the entire family” or “it really means a lot to me that you got up and made me breakfast before I left for work this morning. You do so many little things to make my life easier.”
    • If your partner has communicated that she wishes you would initiate physical intimacy more often, try doing so. Sometimes a little extra effort towards romance can go a long way in a relationship. Don’t underestimate your power to pleasantly surprise your partner.
  4. Stay positive. [1] Being overly negative can sour a relationship with anyone, but is particularly bad for a long-term romantic relationship. Keeping your communication positive and clear and maintaining a positive outlook on life whenever possible can help keep your relationship happy.
  5. Manage conflicts. [1] Avoiding all conflicts is nearly impossible, and avoiding conflict is not always the best way to deal with them. Instead, think about managing your conflicts; this may mean avoiding them sometimes (picking your battles) and working to resolve them at other times.
    • If you and your partner disagree about the process for managing conflicts (for example, if you want to talk about and solve the conflict immediately but she prefers some distance to cool down first), you may need to compromise. Have a plan for how you will address future conflicts, respecting each individual’s preferences.
  6. Have “big picture” conversations. [1] Often when people begin dating, they have conversations with each other about really influential events in their lives and their future dreams and ambitions. After being together for a long time, conversations may center more on who is going to pick up the dry cleaning or drop the kids off at soccer. Trying to find the time and space for big conversations about life and goals can help you feel closer to your partner again.

Spending Quality Time Together

  1. Schedule time alone together.[4] It can seem strange to schedule a date with your own partner, but it is important to keep your relationship a priority. Sometimes the only way to do that is to work it in to your schedule intentionally. Invite your partner out on a date, take care of any necessary details like babysitting or transportation, and make it happen. [5]
    • See if you can make it a routine, such as Saturday night dates. This can offer you an opportunity to connect and talk about your week.
  2. Pay special attention to your appearance for a date. If you’ve been with your partner for a long time, she has likely seen you at your best and your worst. While it is impractical (and perhaps unnecessary) for you to look your best whenever you’re together, try getting “spruced up” before going out on a date together. Think about when you were first dating and you would spend extra time getting ready for the date so you could be sure to impress.
  3. Make time to play. Play and laughter create strong connections and reinforce relationships.[6] If you set aside time to do things that make you feel happy—and you do them together—you will likely feel closer to your partner. Try something new and fun together, or take some time to get out and do something silly.
    • Some new things you could try together include trying new sports, ziplining, an obstacle course, mini-golf, a video game, a board or card game, or even attending a sporting event together.
  4. Hold hands.[7] Get back to basic with your relationship and initiate some PG-rated intimacy in the form of hand-holding. You probably held hands with your partner when you were first dating, so why not now? Simple touching outside of the bedroom can often help you feel closer and revitalize the bond between you.
  5. Flirt more and be kind. Think of love as an action. Every day, find ways to show your partner how much you care about them. Make it so that they couldn't ever forget that you love them.
  6. Remain intimate. Don’t let go of your sex life because you have other demands in your life. If necessary, plan or schedule your intimate moments. Build romance into your schedule, and talk about ways to revitalize your love life if it seems to be waning.[8]
    • You may consider visiting a sex therapist if you have trouble solving intimacy problems on your own.
  7. Revisit your courtship. Go back to the place you met or where you had one of your first dates. If you have children now, go somewhere that you used to frequent before you had kids but haven’t been in awhile. Going back to these places with your new perspective as an established couple can help you remember where you came from and appreciate how far you have come.
  8. Create traditions. Traditions can help couples (and families) establish shared experiences and viewpoints. [1] Marking anniversaries, birthdays, or a day that is uniquely meaningful to you with a ritual or tradition can bring you together. It gives you the opportunity to reflect on past years and speculate about the future.

Feeling Appreciation

  1. Create a love map. A love map is a physical representation of your partner’s emotional and relationship history. Even if you don’t physically draw a map, you should be mindful of your partner’s emotional “landscape” and try to appreciate the (often) long road that led you to be together in the end.[1]
  2. Admire each other. [1] The chances are that if you’re in a long term relationship with someone, you admired her in the past. She had qualities that you found desirable and attractive that you may not be taking for granted. Try to take an objective step back and look at your partner through new eyes. Make a list of all of the things you admire about her; you may even decide to share this list with her later. However, the value of creating the list is to renew your admiration.
    • You might try to encourage your partner to engage in mutual admiration as well. It may be awkward to come out and say “I think you should admire me and remember how great I am,” you could talk about your quest to admire her more completely and how you think it could help your relationship. This could prompt a reciprocation that could solidify both sides of your relationship.
  3. Establish trust. [1] Approach your relationship with complete trust; if you assume that you trust and are trusted in return and let go of fear, jealousy, and suspicion, your relationship will benefit. While maintaining a healthy relationship may take work, trust shouldn’t.
    • If you have a reason to distrust your partner, such as a history of cheating, you may want to go to counseling together to reestablish a bond of trust.
  4. Renew your commitment. [1] You’ve likely committed to your long-term partner, particularly if you are married, but it may be beneficial to renew that commitment. A renewal of vows or a formal ceremony is not necessary. You can just decide to renew your commitment and tell your partner about it.
    • For example, you might say, “I know we’ve been married for 17 years, and we’ve been through a lot together. I just want you to know that I’m committing myself to our shared happiness, and I will do the work and the fun necessary to continue making our relationship and our life better every day.”
  5. Keep a gratitude journal.[9] Keeping a gratitude journal has been shown to help people appreciate what they have and feel happier. Keeping a journal that focuses on the gratitude that you have for all aspects of your life, including your relationship, may help you feel happier and closer to your partner.
    • Even if the gratitude does not directly benefit your relationship, doing something that makes you feel happier will have an influence on your relationship.
  6. Practice self-care.[10] Taking care of yourself and feeling that your own emotional needs are being met can help you have the energy and motivation for maintaining your relationships with others. You may also feel appreciative of your partner for helping you set aside the time for self-care.
    • Self-care does not look the same for every person. It may mean just spending time alone in quiet reflection or taking the time to participate in a hobby or sport that you enjoy.
    • Offer your partner opportunities for self-care as well. Give her time to herself and encourage her to pursue things that make her feel fulfilled and refreshed. When you come back to each other, you’ll likely have the energy and emotional space to devote more time to your relationship.

Getting Relationship Help

  1. Know when you have a problem. If it seems like your friendly disagreements are becoming increasingly less friendly, you’re losing your desire or ability to talk to your partner, or you routinely get the cold shoulder when you try to initiate discussion or intimacy, you may need to look for marital help.[11]
    • Ups and downs are normal for most relationships, but if your “downs” seem like they won’t go away, you may have a bigger problem. The first step is talking to your partner about your feelings, but it may be good to have a specific “solution”—such as counselling—in mind.
  2. Don’t wait to seek help. Too many couples wait until they are separated or discussing divorce before they look for help. You can seek help strengthening your relationship before your problems progresses past the point of saving the relationship.
  3. Find a therapist or counselor. Look for a therapist who specializes in marriage counseling. If you don’t feel comfortable with a therapist, look for another kind of counselor such as a church or community leader, these individuals often have training in couple’s counseling.
    • Ask friends and family for referrals if you’re comfortable with others knowing that you are seeking counseling. If you know anyone who has divorced recently, you might ask her if she tried counseling before divorcing and whether she would recommend a therapist.
    • You can check the directory on the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy website or search online for “marriage counselor” plus your area. If reviews are available online, read them before selecting a counselor.
  4. Look for group classes or couples’ retreats. If you don’t feel that you need counseling but would like to strengthen your relationship, look into group classes or retreats geared towards relationship building. These are often run by counselors but may be geared more towards strengthening a relationship than saving one, which might be a better fit for some couples.

Should You Fall Back in Love?

  1. Remember, in as much detail as you can, why you fell out of love. If time, location, or circumstances cut your love short, then you might be able to pick things up where they left off. You want to have a good reason to fall back in love, because there was probably a good reason you fell out of it.
    • Do not rekindle the romance if you broke up because of manipulation or abuse, if the problems of your last relationship feel unresolved, or you're only reason to get back together is "comfort."
  2. Ask yourself if the relationship could work. Falling back in love with someone is great, but only if you're both willing to commit to the relationship. If there are hurdles in the way, such as distance, jobs, or other partners, there is no reason to fight an uphill battle. Don't, in other words, fall back in love without putting it all on the table.
    • Don't fall back in love if you just want to be with someone comfortable again. Don't treat love like an old friend you can visit once in a while or someone will inevitably get hurt.
  3. Give yourself time to be out of love. Did you every really fall out of love? If you're hurt or angry, but still want to rekindle things, you probably haven't given yourself enough time to get over them. You don't have the perspective needed to see how things are when you're flying solo. If you want to get back together, but know that you'd live if you didn't, then you should go pursue him or her.
    • Don't rebuild the relationship just because you feel uncomfortable or awkward alone. Falling back in love will not help you get to know yourself, nor will it help your fix other problems in your life. You should want to fall back in love with them, not need them in order to feel complete.
  4. Don't force things. Love is not a manufactured emotion. If you've fallen out of love and its not coming back then perhaps it isn't meant to be. People fall in and out of love all the time, and though it can be difficult, there are not always explanations. Sometimes it just happens. By the same logic, however, sometimes your feelings will just spring up naturally, renewing love where you thought there was none. At the end of the day, the best advice is to follow your gut, be honest with yourself and your partner, and hope for the best.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.00 1.01 1.02 1.03 1.04 1.05 1.06 1.07 1.08 1.09 1.10 https://www.gottman.com/research/effectiveness-of-gottman-method/
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201203/5-principles-effective-couples-therapy
  3. ↑ http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/couples/resources-for-couples/download.aspx?id=302
  4. ↑ http://www.prevention.com/sex/marriage/how-and-why-date-your-husband
  5. ↑ http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf
  6. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/fixing-relationship-problems-with-humor.htm
  7. ↑ http://www.study-body-language.com/Holding-hands.html
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199309/intimacy-the-art-relationships
  9. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/tips_for_keeping_a_gratitude_journal
  10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201202/why-you-shouldnt-feel-guilty-about-stealing-little-time-yourself
  11. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/02/divorce-signs-10-signs-yo_n_1725973.html
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