Love Somebody

Loving people can be a challenge sometimes. Loving someone often requires you to put that person first and that's not always easy to do. Since loving a boyfriend or girlfriend is different from loving your brother or sister, you will also need to approach these situations differently. By following some simple strategies, you will be able to show people the love that they deserve.

Steps

Loving a Partner

  1. Distinguish between infatuation and love. Infatuation is when you feel euphoria, happiness, excitement and a lot more that can be tough to put into words.[1] During infatuation, you may see your relationship and your partner in an ideal way, but this feeling is temporary. Real lasting love is far more than a feeling. It is a faithful commitment that grows even when the feelings of infatuation fade away.
    • Feelings of infatuation can last up to two years all the while acting on your brain in a way that is not too different from drugs.[2]
  2. Choose to love your partner. Accept your partner and avoid doing and saying things to bring your partner down. Critical comments, chronic sarcasm, and passive-aggressive behavior can destroy a relationship. Instead, show encouragement, kindness, and genuine concern for your partner. This will strengthen your bond.[2]
    • For example, if you're having trouble accepting your partner, try the 5:1 ratio. Offer five positive comments for each negative one. You'll soon discover how much you appreciate your partner.[3]
  3. Be open and honest with each other. Sharing things with your partner can create emotional intimacy and make you feel closer to your partner.[4] While this might seem scary, you'll eventually go from getting to know someone to understanding and caring for the person.
    • A good way to ease into emotional intimacy is to spend quality time with your partner. During this quality time, ask questions to learn more about your partner. Intimate questions can strengthen the emotional bond between two people.[4]
  4. Date your partner all over again. Think of when you were getting to know one another the first time. Remember how much you tried to impress your partner and how nervous you felt. Try to make the same effort to win your partner again.[5]
  5. Stay in love. Remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place and choose to remain "madly in love." People who say they are "madly in love" have increased brain activity in the region identified with new love or infatuation.[6]
    • While it's important to remember the beginning, it is also important to recognize the present. It's still possible to keep that “new love” feeling toward your partner.
  6. Love the whole person. Your partner may have changed since you fell in love. Regardless of what first attracted you, try to celebrate the way your partner has grown and avoid making focusing on the past. Just as you want to be loved for who you are now and today, so does your partner.[7]
    • Make a point of identifying and appreciating your partner’s qualities. Make your partner your standard of what you like most in a person. If your partner is tall and thin or short and curvy, let that become your ideal.
  7. Do your part. Focus on changing your attitudes and expectations, rather than making your partner change. Your partner may not want to change the relationship or even stay in it. Don't try to control what is out of your hands. All you can do is focus on your actions and desires.[7]
    • You may spend some time loving the other person while your partner decides whether or not to stay in the relationship. During this time, don't force change. Let your partner make his own decision.

Loving a Friend

  1. Understand friendship. Friendship is when two people respect, accept, and appreciate each other.[8] You may become friends with someone who shares similar interests or values with you. While some aspects of friendship love may seem similar to romantic love, there is one big difference. Romantic love is about melding and blending two people, but friendship is about being fully accepted as an individual.
    • Some close friends live thousands of miles apart and rarely speak, but when they do it is as if they were never apart.
  2. Learn how to be a good friend. Don't take friendship for granted. Instead, work to keep your relationship strong. You can do this in several ways. Put your friend's needs ahead of your own when it counts. Be available for your friend, even if it's inconvenient for you. More importantly, be the kind of friend you'd like to have.[9]
    • The beauty of friendship is that you appreciate each other’s differences. But, sometimes those differences can be dividing. Are you able to set aside what you want to support your friend in making the best choices for himself?
  3. Resolve conflicts in your friendship. If you and your friend are fighting, don't be afraid to talk about it. Put yourself in your friend's shoes to understand his viewpoint. If you aren't sure what's wrong or what the solution is, ask your friend. If it's something minor, patch things up. If not, respectfully let your friend you've given it some thought, have listened to him, and disagree.[10]
    • Keep your tone conversational and respectful. Truly listen to his point of view without judgment.
  4. Protect and respect your friend. While this doesn't mean becoming his bodyguard, you should commit to caring for his emotions and supporting him. Part of this means that you'll need to protect your friend from your own selfishness. Selfishness is a part of human nature, but learn to protect and put your friend before your own needs.
    • For example, if you really want to go see that new movie, but you know your friend has an early appointment, don't pressure them. Instead, support your friend and reschedule for a more convenient time to see the movie.
  5. Respect your friend. Respect your friend even when he's not around. No one enjoys being talked about or discussed behind their back. Avoid starting gossipy conversations, and be firm in redirecting or stopping such discussions if they start. Your friend should be able to trust you with his vulnerabilities.
    • Your friend may feel betrayed to learn that you didn't protect him or stand up for him. It may even cause the end of the friendship.

Loving a Difficult Relative

  1. Choose to love your relative. Loving your family member is a lot like loving someone else; it requires commitment. Don't think that loyalty alone is enough to keep your relationship strong. It will require work, but familial love should offer a strong, safe, supportive loving place.[11]
    • The stronger your relationships are with people in your life, the better you will be at taking care of others. If you have a poor relationship with a family member, you may have a hard time being as empathetic or compassionate as you could be.[12]
  2. Create clear expectations. Start by accepting the relative for who he is and make expectations that both of you can meet. As you both meet expectations, make more. You may want to start off with infrequent meetings, gradually increasing them as you both learn to love and understand each other.
    • Be clear in your expectations and consequences. For example, if you invite your family member to dinner once a week, then he needs to be there when he says he will. If he doesn't, follow through with a consequence.[13]
  3. Set boundaries. Boundaries create manageable expectations for interactions and behavior. So, if a challenging family member has a way of being unreliable or sporadic in your life, create a boundary of expectation. This can help both of you work on creating a relationship. You can even negotiate the boundaries, just stick firm to the aspects that are most important to you.[14]
    • Know when to bend and when to stand firm. For example, if the relative often breaks expectations that you agreed on, ask yourself if you want to repair the relationship or let the relative go. You aren't responsible for anyone else's emotions or choices.
  4. Repair your relationship. You'll need to stop your negative thoughts, change your words, and choose your actions carefully. Choose to change your thoughts and words about your relative. Find something you can appreciate and focus your thoughts on their positives. Treat your family member as though you already have the relationship you would like.
    • If you decide that you want to repair a damaged relationship with your relative, realize that you can't change anyone but yourself. Your relative may never change.

Loving Yourself

  1. Treat yourself right. Care about your appearance. You pass your own reflection several times a day, you might as well like what you see. It will help build your confidence for when you are around others. If you don't like yourself, then you may become critical of others. So do what you need to do to like yourself and show kindness to yourself.
    • Make sure you are eating healthy and exercising. Committing to just twenty minutes of exercise a day can help you teach your own mind that you have worth.[15]
  2. Be kind to yourself. Recognize you are a work in progress. You need space to grow and experience new things. Don't let fear of mistakes keep you from trying new things and branching out as a person. It's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
    • For example, make time for hobbies and activities you enjoy or want to learn. Encourage yourself to learn new skills. Treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend.[16]
  3. Forgive yourself. Learning how to forgive yourself will keep you from projecting your self-issues on someone you could love. Taking care of yourself allows you to love and appreciate others, not just yourself.
    • Anger and guilt can take a toll on your health. Resenting yourself can increase your stress levels. This stress can cause or worsen heart disease, autoimmune disease, and cancer.[17]

Loving Anyone

  1. Be yourself and have realistic goals. You'll find it harder to be truthful in relationships where you're not acting like your true self. Don't hide who you are. Instead, learn that others should accept you for who you are. Set achievable goals for yourself. These should build on your characteristics, not turn you into someone you're not.
    • For example, if you're a quiet person with a small group of close friends, don't challenge yourself to become the most popular person at school. Chances are, this wouldn't make you happy and you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons.
  2. Cultivate-and-Keep-Personal-Relationships. You'll be able to foster loving relationships if you act in a loving, compassionate manner. This means being trustworthy, respectful, and kind. While this may sound simple, you'll need to keep evaluating how loving you are.[18]
    • Show-Love traits takes practice. Don't give up, but continue to improve your loving qualities. Your relationships will benefit from your efforts.
  3. Be a Develop-Good-Communication-Skills. This doesn't just mean being talkative. Instead, you should try to be skilled at honest, open communication. This includes actively listening to the other person. Learn to ask questions and be specific when talking.[19] The other person will feel more engaged.
    • Remember to be personal. Think about how what you're saying will be received by the other person. Try to make a personal connection.
  4. Avoid-an-Abusive-Relationship patterns. Never intimidate, blame, emotional abuse, threaten, isolate, or talk down to another person.[20] This controlling behavior is really just a way for one person to gain power over the other. When this happens, a healthy, loving relationship is not possible.
    • Relationship abuse gradually worsens over time. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, seek outside help. Remember, you deserve to be in a healthy, loving relationship.[21]

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201207/the-deceptive-power-loves-first-moments
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing-for-marriage/what-it-means-to-be-intimate/developing-emotional-intimacy
  3. ↑ http://family-psychology.com/ratios-predicting-divorce-and-marital-dissatisfaction/
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://psp.sagepub.com/content/23/4/363.full.pdf+html
  5. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/05/long-term-relationship-secrets_n_4174424.html
  6. ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB120243044114252137
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Accepting-Your-Spouse-For-Who-He-or-She-Really-Is-224.html
  8. ↑ http://www.ohio.edu/research/communications/Friendship.cfm
  9. ↑ http://tinybuddha.com/blog/25-ways-to-be-a-true-friend/
  10. ↑ http://powertochange.com/sex-love/conflictfriend/
  11. ↑ http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/publications/1229-strengthening-family-relationships
  12. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/367.pdf
  13. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/14/your-money/the-importance-of-setting-expectations-whether-high-or-low.html
  14. ↑ http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887323482504578227613937854612
  15. ↑ http://www.helpguide.org/articles/exercise-fitness/emotional-benefits-of-exercise.htm
  16. ↑ http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/PositiveSteps.htm
  17. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/balance/features/learning-to-forgive-yourself
  18. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-would-aristotle-do/201201/how-good-are-you-loving
  19. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/jaysondemers/2014/05/29/7-things-good-communicators-always-do/
  20. ↑ http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
  21. ↑ http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/what-is-relationship-abuse/
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