Forget About Someone Important

Forgetting someone who played a key role in your life is very difficult. However, if you're unable to focus on the present moment due to a loss you need to find a way to move on. Take initial action to grieve the relationship, work on removing the person from your thoughts, and then actively work on moving forward.

Steps

Taking Initial Action

  1. Make a relationship log. If you're trying to forget someone, a good way to start is logging the relationship. Recording your feelings about the relationship as honestly as possible can help you understand why it ended in a more objective sense. If you lost someone due to death, logging the relationship can allow you to grieve and feel a sense of closure.[1]
    • Regarding a broken romantic relationship or a relationship with a friend or family member that fell apart, try and be as objective as possible when recording your relationship. Be honest about how you felt around this person. Were you happy or did they make you feel uncomfortable? Was the relationship stable? Were there any signs of instability you may have missed?[1]
    • If you're commemorating a lost loved one, write about a happy memories. What will you miss about this person? What are the best times you had together? How do you feel about moving forward?
    • Review your relationship log after writing it. Seeing the relationship recorded in its entirety can allow you to have the objectivity needed to move forward.[1]
  2. Look for relationship patterns. After logging about your relationship, take some time to look for patterns. Consider the full scope of your life and any other relationships you've had. Are there types of people you tend to get involved with? Do you befriend people who have a negative impact on you? Are there reasons for your choices that relate to your personality? While reviewing your past relationships, consider some of the following questions.
    • How did the relationship or friendship start? Who pursued whom? Were you the active or passive party in the early stages of the relationship?
    • Who was more dominant as the relationship progressed? Who made choices about how you would spend your time? Did you feel like you had adequate say in how things happened when you were this person? Were you ever pushed to do something that made you uncomfortable?
    • Emotionally, how did you feel in the relationship? Happy? Stressed? Depressed? Anxious? Bored? Did you feel like your needs were being met emotionally? Why or why not?[1]
    • Why did the relationship end, who made the decision to end it, and how did you feel in the aftermath?[1]
  3. Express your emotions. In the early stages of trying to forget someone, you need to be able to express your pain. While you might want to ignore negative feelings, you need to acknowledge them at some point. This way, you can figure out why you are hurting.
    • Write a letter to yourself. Keep a journal. Talk to a friend or therapist. Be as overt as possible as to what you are feeling and why. Get everything out of your system. You may end up crying. This is okay. It's important to purge your emotions in order to move forward.[2]
    • Take responsibility as well. In most cases, the reasons a relationship ended do not solely fall on one person. Try to see, objectively, if there's anything you could have done differently. Do not beat yourself up but just try to learn and understand a bit about yourself. Using the broken relationship as a learning experience can help you move forward.[2]
  4. Nurture yourself. Once you've examined your relationships and dealt with your emotions, take care of yourself. In the wake of loss, we often let self care rituals fall to the wayside. Strive to make sure this does not happen with you.
    • Keep up with good sleeping, eating, exercise, and personal hygiene habits. It may be difficult to want to maintain a self care ritual when mourning a relationship's end, but it's important that you find a way to stay strong and move forward.[2]
    • Do something nice for yourself. Watch a movie you like. Take a hot bath. Order take out. Spend time with friends. Find a healthy way to treat yourself. Emotionally and physically, you need care in the wake of a relationship loss.[2]
  5. Grieve the loss. You cannot force yourself to forget someone prematurely. Take as much time as you need to adequately grieve as there's no prescribed timeframe over which you should be over someone.
    • If possible, perform some kind of grieving ritual. This can help you gain closure. As rituals are driven by intent and action, many people feel empowered by engaging in them.[3]
    • Some people like to burn old items and mementos. If you're mourning a loss through death, writing letters to the deceased and placing them near a gravesite can help. Pick a ritual that's meaningful to you and seems like it would help you move on.[3]

Removing Someone from Your Thoughts

  1. Put away reminders. If you're looking to forget someone, you need to get rid of reminders. Go through your home and find anything that reminds you of the person you lost: pictures, DVDs, presents, certain foods, souvenirs.
    • If you're not comfortable throwing things out, try storing them in a box and have a friend hold onto them until you're ready to fully let go.
    • Do an electronic purge too. Delete music off your electronic library that reminds you of this person. Delete any pictures of him or her you have saved.
  2. Disconnect on social media. If the person is your Facebook friend, chat pal, or any other type of technological contact, remove or block him/her. It will not be helpful to see constant updates from this person. Additionally, if you want to forget the person, reducing avenues for communication is a key place to start. Removing the temptation of chatting on Facebook or Twitter can really help you move on.[4]
  3. Focus on the present moment. A good way to forget is to find ways to keep your mind focused on the present. Ruminating over the past makes it near impossible to forget a loved one.
    • Try and remember that you cannot undo the past. The only thing you have the power to change is the present moment. Go forward with the intent of making today the best day possible. Some people find using a conscious cue helps. For example, when you find yourself lingering on the past stop and say, "That was then, this is now, I want to focus on my own happiness."[2]
    • Meditation, yoga, and exercise are all great means to keep your mind focused on the present. Try signing up for a local gym or enrolling in a yoga or meditation class.[2]
  4. Take up hobbies. Hobbies can be a great way to distract yourself and focus on moving forward with your life. Try a new video game, take up knitting, join a local sport's league, or start doing crossword puzzles. Anything you can do to help you stay in the present and move forward can be really helpful to forgetting someone and moving forward.[2]

Moving Forward

  1. Seek support from others. After ending a relationship or friendship, it is important to spend time with other people. It will help keep your thoughts on other things and less on that person.
    • Make plans with your existing social network. Go out to a bar for drinks. Meet someone for coffee. Have friends over for a movie night.[5]
    • Do not hesitate to reach out to people you haven't seen in awhile. Get on the phone with a family member you do not talk to often. See if an old classmate is free to grab dinner sometime. Catching up with people you've neglected during a relationship is a great way to help you forget and move forward.[5]
  2. Meet new people. If the person you’re trying to forget is in your social group, it will help to branch out. Find a way to meet new acquaintances.
    • You might consider volunteering somewhere. Many people meet new friends through shared interests. Find a cause you care about and get involved. Not only will this help give you a sense of purpose when you're feeling emotionally vulnerable, it will allow you the opportunity to meet likeminded people.[5]
    • The website "Meet Up" is a great way to make new friends. The site allows different groups and people to make plans based on a set of interests. You enter your information and a bit about yourself and a variety of groups, catered to your interests, will show up in your interest will surface.[5]
  3. Take a vacation. If it is feasible financially and time-wise, leave town for a few days. You might take a short flight to a nearby city or just drive into the country. Seek new sights and make new memories. Being in a new environment can help clear your thoughts. If you're unable to take a long break, even a weekend across town can help you leave unwanted, troubling thoughts behind and allow you to move forward.[4]
  4. See a therapist, if necessary. If you're stuck in a rut and can't forget someone, therapy can help. Negative feelings associated with the end of a relationship can be addressed by a skilled therapist. Ask your general practitioner for a referral to a therapist or see what's covered under your insurance. If you're a student, you may be entitled to free counseling through your college or university.
  5. Feel gratitude. Once you've taken some time to actively work on forgetting, try and feel gratitude for what was lost. It seems counterintuitive, but finding ways to appreciate the good times can actually help you gain closure and forget.
    • If you're grieving a loss through death, feel grateful you were close to someone for as long as you were. Allow yourself to happily experience the good times.
    • If you're mourning the end of a relationship, do not forget the positives. Even if you and your ex weren't right for each other, be grateful you got to experience love. If a friendship has dissolved, remember a great trip you took together and feel thankful for the memories.[6]

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/02/20/12-steps-to-break-your-addiction-to-a-person/
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/22/learning-to-let-go-of-past-hurts-5-ways-to-move-on/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201104/5-ways-find-closure-the-past
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 5.2 5.3 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-last-best-cure/201405/15-ways-get-someone-out-your-head
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/20/finding-closure/
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