Get Out of a Fight with Your Best Friend

No matter how great your best friend is, fights and disagreements are bound to happen once in a while. We're all human. If you really care about each other, you'll find a way to work it out. It might take some time, but with patience and love you can mend the relationship and get back on track with your friend.

Steps

Working out what's gone wrong

  1. Isolate the problem. Before you can fix the situation, you need to know what went wrong. You need to go beneath the "he-said, she-said" banter and determine what was the underlying cause of the conflict. Consider:
  2. If you and your friend actually had a confrontation, think about how the situation progressed from your side. What really ticked you off? Did your response escalate the tension? If so, how? Make a list of what you felt the main problems were and think about what your friend may have thought from their perspective. Practice empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and considering possible misinterpretations.
    • If you know that your anger led you to do something that hurt your friend, apologize for that action (if you feel sorry and truthfully think it is bad) now and state that you didn't intend for that to happen. Sometimes fights over one thing escalate into name-calling and drawing in tangential conflicts. If you know you crossed a line, apologize now to show that you've realized you erroneously let your anger get the best of you and to demonstrate that you're ready to talk about the fundamental issue.
  3. If no actual confrontation occurred and you feel that your friend is ignoring you because you have done something to hurt him or her, think about how your last interaction occurred. Did you say or do something that could be perceived as offensive? Did you fail to consider your friend's feelings on a sensitive topic? You may want to consult mutual friends who know both of you well, but don't let the conversation devolve into gossiping or accusations. Your goal is to do what you can to figure out what is wrong, but if you're at a dead end, you'll want to just start a conversation with your friend and ask. 
  4. Take a break if you're the one who's upset. Sit down and try to determine what set you off. Have you been stewing over something for awhile? Did your friend make a dumb comment that you took too personally? Are you just having a bad day? If the answers to those questions indicate that your anger should be short-term and insufficient to justify terminating your friendship, then you should think about what it will take for you to be able to forgive your friend.

Finding a solution

  1. Once you know the problem, think about how it can be solved. First consider it from your perspective and what changes you are willing to, or feel that you should, make. This is the starting point for a compromise. Then think of what you would like to ask your friend to do. But remember, friendships and trust cannot be easily mended.
    • If it's a one-sided situation in which you are 100% at fault for wronging your friend or vice versa, you might be able to just propose action items for one party. However, remember that even if one person hurt the other, it could have been completely unintentional and the result of a reasonable understanding. An agreement can be made for the victim to try not to take such things so personally in the future, to not be so paranoid or sensitive, etc. This may just be a difference in personality that both parties will struggle to overcome -- one party trying to be more sensitive to others' feelings and the other party trying to not take things as personally -- but that is the dynamic that marks strong friendships.
    • Come up with reasonable pledges that both sides will feel are fair and relatively equal (or at least proportional to the blame). Don't be vindictive or think of this is a competition in which you're trying to win over your friend. That's not what resolving conflicts is about, and you'll have to leave such antagonistic thoughts at the door before you have a chance of succeeding.

Resolving things with your friend

  1. Set up a conversation with your friend. Send a note to your friend explaining that you've been doing some reflection over your confrontation, and you think that both of you would benefit from a calm discussion over the fundamental conflict. You'd like to hear their side of the story -- a conversation needs to happen before actual reconciliation can occur, and you hope that your friend would take the time to sit down with you soon.
    • Pick the right moment. If possible, try to find a time when you can privately apologize to your friend in-person. If that won't work, offer a phone call or a note. Only text your apology as an absolute last resort.
  2. Think honestly and hard about what you did wrong in this situation, and prepare yourself to apologize. It's the best way to genuinely show your friend that you would like to reconcile.
    • Use "I" statements and assign yourself the blame. Don't apologize in a way that blames your friend. Instead of saying "I'm sorry you felt offended by what I said," say, "I'm sorry that I offended you by saying (what you said that was hurtful)." The first sentence puts the blame on your friend; the second one assigns it to you.
    • Try not to offer a litany of excuses. Share your side of the story with I-messages about how you felt in the situation to give your friend some perspective, but don't frame things in a way that makes it seem like you're trying to avoid guilt. (For example, you could try, "I felt threatened when you tried out for the same part" instead of "I can't believe you'd audition when you know how badly I want that part!").
    • Be sincere. Only apologize if you're truly sorry. Otherwise, your friend will be able to see that you don't mean it. If you're still angry, take some time to calm down and come to a place where you feel sorry.
  3. Allow your friend to vent a little. He or she might still be actively angry. Allow him or her to express his or her feelings, and then communicate again that you're sorry. Ask if there's anything else you can do to make it up to your friend.
  4. Make a peace offering. A peace offering can be as simple as offering a hug, or elaborate as making your friend a gift. Whatever it is, it should convey a sense of goodwill and let your friend know that you value him or her. Here are some ideas:
    • Write a nice letter outlining why you two are friends in the first place.
    • Make a batch of cookies.
    • Offer to help your friend run a tiresome errand.
    • Suggest a fun activity you can do together.
    • Film yourself singing a song about him or her such as "My best friend X is so kind. I think he/she is really fine. We like cherries and apple pie, but most of all we like fries." Keep it a little humorous, but don't make it too sappy. The aim of this song is to have a good laugh together and bring back the peace.

Resuming normality

  1. Get back to normal as soon as possible. Don't dwell on the fight or keep bringing it up. Instead, work hard at settling back into your normal routine and treating your friend like the argument never happened. You and your friend should both let things go to give each other the chance to re-earn their trust.
  2. Know when to move on. If you've sincerely tried to apologize, demonstrate your friendship, or seek help and your friend has continued to reject your efforts, it might be time to end the friendship. Someone who can't appreciate what you're doing to try to fix the problem is either too angry to reconcile or shouldn't be your friend in the first place.
    • Leave the door open. Don't take this opportunity to bring up every single thing your friend has ever done to anger you and truly burn your bridges. Instead, let him or her know that you're sorry that the friendship is broken, and you're willing to revisit it when the other person is ready.

Tips

  • Don't say things you don't mean. Catch yourself before you do this and learn self restraint.
  • Watch what you say, because once you say it you can't take it back. It might even make he/she more angry.
  • If you know that your best friend gets really worked up over certain things, like sports or grades, don't rub it in his or her face when you do better than they do in any of those situations. Just congratulate your friend for trying, and if s/he asks how you did, then politely share your victory. It's likely that s/he will be happy for you, and pleased to celebrate your win!
  • You shouldn't be the one to say sorry every time. If you feel that your friend never apologizes, you should bring this up in a calm and kind way.
  • Sometimes it doesn't work right away. Leave time to settle things.
  • If you need to help someone get through, do it! It makes you and that person feel good afterwards.
  • Let your emotions show how you feel and don't be afraid to say you are sorry or even end the friendship just be yourself and if that's not enough for him or her then they were never your friend in the first place.
  • You need to put your best friend first if she or he is the one upset. Don't blame yourself or your friend. Try to get things sorted out, and that might help.
  • By saying sorry and sorting out the problem doesn't necessarily mean your friend is as close to you as s/he was before. Try to make them as close as they used to be. You may just need to send them cards or bring them a little gift.
  • Don't be afraid to be real. It's okay to cry; crying is a way of letting emotions out and makes you feel a lot better.
  • Always be completely honest. If you have a problem, carefully talk it over with your friend. Holding it in and letting it out when you're angry will only cause another fight.
  • Your friend may seem mad at you by being with another friend, but that means that your friend is merely making you jealous because he or she still wants to be your friend. They are always willing to help you out and get back in track!
  • Some schools have peer mediation programs. If the fight is becoming a real problem, consider asking your teacher for a guidance counselor/peer mediation referral. Peer mediators and guidance counselors are there to help. However, make sure that the two of you don't get each other in any more trouble than you are in
  • Sometimes if you leave your friend alone for a day or two s/he just forgets about it and either of you forgive each other.
  • Don't let your friend get the best of you. And always be the best you can. Don't let your friend think that they make you feel inferior to them.
  • Don't always let her get what she wants.She may even be fighting because she wants you to say sorry in front of everyone.
  • Just let them steam off for a little while then talk to them if that doesn't work you might want to see if you can do anymore to try to fix it if you don't think you can you might want to start thinking about moving on.
  • Sometimes you're both guilty of saying something mean or something you know you regret. Apologize on your side first, then try to gently gesture that they hurt your feelings as well.
  • Use social networks to apologize if it is a mild fight.
  • If the friendship problem is taking place at school, talk to your school counselor and try to figure out the problem.
  • Don't be a too much of a coward to apologize. Bear their anger and hostile responses without uttering a word of frustration.
  • Always try to please your friend after a quarrel. Tell them that whatever happens, you will be there for them.

Warnings

  • Don't let your anger get the best of you. Watch what you say, or you will make things worse with your friend.
  • If your friend gets jealous or mad easily, make sure that you don't rub things in. Be careful with what you say.
  • It's best to not accuse your friend of being "too sensitive" if you're the one that hurt him or her. This could lead to further hurt feelings and alienation, especially considering that some people just aren't as thick-skinned as others.
  • Avoid holding a grudge; doing so will hurt you more and can wear you down over time. You should also refrain from plotting revenge on your friend; this will only make your problems worse.

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