Tell Someone You Don't Want to Go on Another Date

You went on a first date, but aren't interested in a second. How do you tell the other person when you don't want to repeat the experience?

Steps

  1. Minimize possible damage from first dates. Don't sleep with people on your first date - especially if there's any idea that this is not your perfect match! Dating is meant to give you a chance to talk and get to know someone, you don't have to have sex. Frankly, most people can tell within a few minutes whether they are interested enough for a second date - if this is the case with you, don't even offer a kiss goodnight. Keep things very platonic and nice, but don't allow it to escalate into sexual action of any kind. This makes it much harder to later convince the hard-headed that you really are not interested.
  2. Be kind. You may not think this person is a match for you, but s/he is a human being whose only crime was being interested enough in you to want to get to know you better. Bear this in mind, even if you found this person boring, overly introverted, too fixated on his/her hobby, or just not compatible.
  3. Take the high road. Maybe this person was an arrogant, obnoxious boor. If this person was a jerk when you were on your date, remember that this is the last time you will have to talk with him/her. There's no need to make an enemy - just be direct and don't get hostile.
  4. Don't beat around the bush. Your phone rings - it's him/her. This is not the time for prevaricating (wavering). Don't let it go to voice mail - answer it. Don't give in to the temptation to say things like, "Sure, I'd love to do it again sometime - call me next week." You think it's harmless and vague enough not to matter, but it's not. That's a lie, and it's wrong. If you're lucky, he/she is calling to say thanks for a nice evening, and nothing more. If that's the case, you need not say anything more than "You're welcome. Thank you, too." However... if s/he is calling for another date, go on to the next step.
  5. Address the situation directly: Being direct and honest need not be harsh or mean. Just say, "I think that you're a great guy/girl. You're just not MY great guy/girl. I know your great mate is out there. Good luck to you." If s/he tries to persuade you to give it just one more chance, it's up to you, of course, but if you've already made up your mind, just say, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we have enough in common for a long-term relationship. Thanks, though." That's firm - and final - and leaves no room for doubt as to where your head is at.
  6. Keep to your decision. Wavering because you feel sorry for someone is not a good idea. Many times, this person is a friend of a friend. Your mutual friend tells you how upset this person is that things didn't work out, and how s/he'd really like another chance. Maybe he/she has even been crying or is incessantly begging your friend to work on you, trying to get another shot with you. It's fine to feel compassion about his/her pain; rejection is never easy. But giving in to another date will only compound the error, and you will go through it all over again after the next one. Stay firm in your resolve, and tell your friend, "It's great there is a friend like you who is so kind and cares so much about his/her happiness. The thing is, it would just make things worse. It's not that he/she isn't a good person, it's just that we're not a match. Let's leave it at that." If your friend persists, say, "You're a good friend, but it's not going to happen. Tell him/her that I said good luck, and let's drop it. Now."

Tips

  • You don't have to explain yourself! Simply share that they're not for you and leave it at that. Then wish them well and sign off.
  • Take the first call or two. Refusing to take the calls only inflames the agitation. Be firm, and after the second call, say, "Chris, thank you, I am flattered. But I need you to understand I'm not interested in dating you again. Okay?" Don't be insulting or rude, but do be firm. After that allow any further calls to go to voice mail and do not return them; also do not reply to any text messages. Chris will definitely get that message.
  • Think long and hard before using the expression, "Let's just be friends." Most people see this lame consolation prize for what it is: a weak attempt on your part to soothe your own guilty conscience by letting the other person down easy. Even worse, Chris might happily take you up on the offer, believing it will only then be a matter of time before s/he wins you over.

Warnings

  • This is better done on the phone. It helps them deal with the pain of rejection in private.
  • If Chris seems to be fixated on you, and calls you more than a few times after you have asked him/her not to, call the police and let them know what's happening, and if necessary, swear out a restraining order. It's important to begin this sort of paper trail if Chris turns out to be an obsessive maniac who won't leave you alone. That would be rare, but it has happened.

Things You'll Need

  • Good judgment
  • Firm resolve
  • Compassion

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