Tell Your Parents You Are an Atheist

Belief is a choice and it is personal. Each of us differs in what we find convincing or unconvincing. Having beliefs that differ from those around you can be difficult. It is even more difficult when your beliefs differ from your parents who have so much influence over your life. Revealing yourself as an atheist, or any other belief your religious parents may or may not approve of, can be tricky and carries some risks, so it should be done carefully.

Steps

  1. Understand what atheism is. An atheist is simply someone who does not believe in a god (or gods). This position is sometimes called weak atheism, because it consists of no beliefs in and of itself. Some atheists go further and believe that no gods exist. This position is known as strong atheism, as it includes the active belief that there are no gods. Your parents might not know the meanings of these terms, so be careful to clearly define what your position is. For example, in common usage, some people will refer to weak atheism as agnosticism, even though these two terms have different meanings.
  2. Know what agnosticism is. While theism and atheism deal with belief, agnosticism deals with knowledge. An agnostic is someone who holds the view that the existence of god (or gods) is unknown. Weak agnosticism is the view that the existence or non-existence of gods is not known at this time, but might be known in the future. Strong agnosticism is the view that the existence or non-existence of gods is something that is inherently unknowable. Agnosticism and atheism are not mutually exclusive. An agnostic atheist might recognize that they do not know for certain whether or not gods exist while lacking a belief in gods, or even while maintaining the belief that there are no gods. Similarly, agnosticism is not mutually exclusive with theism. An agnostic theist might recognize that they do not know whether or not gods exist, but still maintain a belief in a god or gods.
  3. Know what a coexist is. A coexist is someone who believes that no matter what religious belief you have, you can come together and study your scriptures, compare notes and exchange world-views without starting the Crusades part II! You know that we're more evolved than that, so we should be able to discuss what we believe, notice differences, and come away from it unscathed. Again, it's not exclusive to any religion at all. Anyone with any belief can come together and figure out what they believe. It's like a debate club for religion. We go in, we compare, and we may argue a little, but you'll come out smiling and shaking hands.
  4. Consider the consequences. If you have been brought up in a religious home then revealing a lack of faith can be difficult. "agnostic" or "atheist" or even "coexist" can be a dirty word, because they don't know what it means to you. You can say three words that make total sense to you: "agnostic christian coexist", and all they'll do is sit and stare at you with a blank stare. You could practice with a friend who has similar beliefs and had to go through something similar before going in to fight for what you believe in. A lot of your family life might be based around the traditions of the faith. Ask yourself to what extent you wish to withdraw from the festivals that punctuate our lives. If you wish to continue practicing the traditions in your home, be sure that your parents know that your beliefs will not separate you from these family activities. If you are unsure of how your parents will react, try testing the waters first. Discuss with them a topic that is not directly related to religion but influenced by it, such as abortion, same-sex marriage, or other religiously charged political issues. That might give you more of an idea of how they would react to outright atheism. If you feel that admission of atheism would put you in danger, don't tell them. Remember that you'll have to live with them only until you are able to move out on your own. In extreme cases, it may be better to just fake religious belief until you are more independent.
  5. Talk about it with someone you trust. There are many atheist groups both locally and online. Some of them have gone through similar experiences and may have good advice on how to proceed. They may also give you moral support or assistance when needed. At the minimum, they will offer safe venue for expressing your atheism. If you cannot find an atheist group, you may confide in a trusted friend. It is easier when you don't have to go it alone.
  6. Tell your parents. If you feel that you are ready to tell your parents then do so when they have the time to listen to you and there are no other distractions. Make it clear that you love them and appreciate what they have done for you, and that you are in no way rejecting them. They might find what you are about to say difficult, so be sure to respect their opinions and beliefs, while taking care not to be easily offended. Make it clear that taking part in acts of worship would be hypocritical and that you wish to bow out of them. It might also help to say that you still wish to play a full part in family life.
  7. Be confident. Make it clear that you have come to your decision after much thought, and are no longer soul-searching. Let your parents know that you have reasons for thinking what you do, but do not argue with them, and under no circumstances should you raise your voice. If you feel that you have not been heard, respectfully end the conversation. Give your parents time to digest what you have told them. Remember, the purpose of the conversation is to let your parents know what you have decided, not to debate. There will be plenty of time to enter into discussions later, once everyone has had time to settle their thoughts.



Tips

  • If the conversation becomes angry, break it off. Do not let it become a shouting match. Wait until they calm down to continue. Leave the room if necessary.
  • Make it clear that this is something you have thought through.
  • Let them know that you are the same person as before, and will continue to be a good moral person.
  • Let them know that this is not out of any rebellion against them, and that you still love and respect them.
  • Look your parents in the eye as you speak.
  • If your parents don't understand you, give them some time so that they can believe that you have the right to take your own decisions as a grown up but do stick to your point.
  • Speak quietly but firmly.
  • Start the conversation with very positive comments.

Warnings

  • In some cultures parents feel that they have the right to control every part of a child's life and can punish an errant child physically. In some cultures a father has the power of life and death over his wife and children. Do not put yourself in harm's way.
  • Even if your parents are very accepting people, be prepared to be hurt emotionally - phrases such as "I'm disappointed" and "So you think (insert name of much-loved deceased friend/relative/pet here) really is gone for good" are likely to crop up. This could be more difficult for you than for them if you start talking about beliefs like that. Don't get into those complicated things unless they ask.
  • Some very devout and fundamentalist believers might consider a declaration of atheism as grounds for shunning their child completely. If this might be the case, be sure you are ready for the consequences.
  • Sometimes the best thing to do is to do nothing. If they believe that people who don't believe in God go to Hell they will try everything to make you believe again. Also, they will be afraid of their son/daughter going to Hell all the time for the rest of their lives. Of course, it can be hard for you to conceal your lack of faith but it will be a hundred times harder for your parents to live in constant fear and for you to live with your parents trying to make you believe all the time.

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