Save a Friendship

"Friends are like stars. You don't always see them but you know they are there." And while a shooting star is a beautiful thing to observe, a dying friendship is one of the most painful things to experience.

However, if you believe that it's worth trying to save it, then it is worth it. So, if you're still stirred by a friendship that has given you priceless moments, unconditional love, and treasured memories, at least give saving it a chance. While problems are inevitable, if both of you see the value in saving what you have, focusing on fixing things may just be effective, and your bond may even come through this trial better and stronger than before.

Steps

  1. Act now. The moment you're aware that the two of you start growing apart, do something about it. Waiting will only bring about an inevitable permanency of the loss of your friendship. Be prepared to be the one who makes the initial steps; your friend may be laboring under the belief that it's something you've done to harm the friendship, so it's not worth waiting around for them to solve things.
  2. Do some honest analysis of the situation. Sit down and think back to where it all went wrong. Was it your fault? Was it something you said or did or didn't say or do although you should have? It is important to think about your inaction at certain points such as all those times you failed to make a call to see how your friend was, or when you missed appointments, or failed to show up at important events. Think carefully and do not make irrelevant decisions.
  3. If it was your fault, apologize. Briefly explain your side of the story and avoid making excuses or shifting the blame. By taking responsibility for your part in damaging the friendship, you prove that your desire to keep your friend is more important than your pride or sense of self-righteousness.
  4. Talk. If you can't seem to find the reason for the growing interpersonal distance between you and your friend, suggest that the two of you simply talk. Tell your friend that you're sad that things don't seem to be that great between the two of you anymore and that you'd really like to work out whether it might be possible to restore the Find the Perfect Friend you had in the past. Your willingness to work through the issues will be appreciated, especially if you make it clear that you're totally open to hearing their side of the story. Whatever you do..DO NOT lash out and become angry upset or make your friend upset. This will make the barrier between you bigger and it will evidently be harder to get her/him back. Try not to interrupt your friend while explaining their side of the story. Instead, listen attentively.
  5. Be an Empathetic Friend. If a third party has been telling different stories to both of you to cause conflicts, listening to your friend is the best way to spot it. Ask who told them that if you hear that you said something you'd never say in a million years. It's amazing how fast a third party liar's mind games blow up in their face once the victims compare notes. So even if someone is trying to avoid you, ask why and be prepared to listen no matter what your friend says.
  6. Make a decision as to the worth of disputing points about your behavior or issues that have arisen in the friendship. If your friend has the wrong end of the stick and has misunderstood things that you've said or done (or not done), then by all means clarify what you believe to be the case. However, do not be argumentative or confrontational, as this will cause your friend to feel defensive and it will simply speed up the end of the friendship. Try not to expect the friendship to fix itself. You must try yourself to break the barrier between you and get along. Be patient, explain clearly how you see the situation and give your interpretation of past events without judging or defensiveness. For example:
    • Your friend might accuse you of never being there during important events in the opening of their new business over the past year. They might say that it got to the point that every time he or she asked you to help out, you seemed too busy or disinterested in their new venture even though at first you had been very supportive. You might reply that you accept it was wrong of you to never be available to talk things through. You might also outline what happened to prevent you from being the close friend of former times. For example, perhaps you had to take care of a sick child or spouse, all the while trying to hold down your job with its unforgiving deadlines. Provide factual explanations of why you weren't as engaged with your friendship as you could have been rather than offering excuses - the truth is important. And don't seek sympathy or pity but do clarify why you were not able to be there for your friend.
  7. Acknowledge your differences. Your friend might be footloose and fancy free while you're a dad to three kids. As life changes around us, friendships change too. However, this doesn't mean that you lack that vital connection that sparked the friendship in the first place and shifts in your working, personal, and lifestyle doesn't have to undermine your friendship. Talking openly about the changes is important, as well as accepting that the two of you have different trajectories but still have space, love, and Respect Each Other at Home for one another in your lives.
    • If your friend has distanced from you because of changes in your lives, take the opportunity to reassure each other that while life has changed, the importance of your friendship has not. And acknowledge that if you have changed, you certainly don't expect your friend to change.
    • Resurrect some things that the two of you can still enjoy doing together. For example, set aside a regular night, afternoon, or day when the two of you meet up to spend time together doing the things you both enjoy such as seeing a movie, sitting in a cafe, playing a sport, etc.
  8. Avoid being naive. While you may want to rescue the friendship, be alert for signs that your friend is deliberately seeking to end it. Given that this is an unthinkable prospect in a previously loving, and caring connection, only resort to believing this is a possibility if the signs make it extremely obvious, for example, if your friend goes out of their way to avoid you, or stops answering your calls, or can never be found by you but mutual friends don't seem to have this problem, it's possible that your friend is trying to end things. If this is the case, try to revive things but don't beat yourself up if it fails because it's not your fault and the other person has made a choice that you can't change.
  9. Find a compromise. Assuming your friend has talked and listened, and both of you have cleared the air, look for ways that you can reach compromises on the things that have undermined your friendship to this point and look for ways to set the relationship back on track. If you mean as much to this person as they means to you, through mutual compromising in the end you will have at least made some progress in the right direction.
  10. Show willingness to Strengthen Bonds With Friends and to avoid growing apart ever again. Once you have worked through the challenges facing your friendship and come to a shared solution, show your friend how much they mean to you. Start creating new memories and precious moments that will make the unpleasant page in your common history look insignificant and never worth mentioning again.

Tips

  • If (s)he is truly your friend, they will feel open with you and vice versa.
  • Don't be afraid to be the one to talk, especially if your friend isn't speaking up.
  • Turn your cell phone off while spending time with your friend. (S)he should do the same. Constantly interrupting the conversation to answer a call or send a text message shows your friend that you don't really value your time together.
  • Do new, exciting things with your friend but also keep the traditions you both enjoy. This will strengthen your relationship even further.
  • Keep it up. Even when you and your friend have become friends again you shouldn't redo your mistakes and create another problem between you otherwise it will soon become tiring and you will risk losing your friendship forever
  • Try, but sometimes, if you are falling out and arguing and its happening every day almost, and it feels as though it is snowballing, it will become tiring. You should get some distance from each other and just clear your mind of everything else, and just think about how you could salvage your friendship. If this is too hard and you keep falling out, then talk to each other, maybe it would help if you made up with your friend; as hard as it may be, and then you could suggest that you don't see each other outside of school or work, and work hard at your education; or towards a promotion, but wish them the best. No matter what happens; you must be civil to one another or you will bring your other friends into the constant arguments and you will both will lose them all. Life is too short, you must try as hard as you can to make friends stay friends, but never interfere in your friends arguments; if they are angry at each other, they might say things that they will regret later.
  • Share something important and personal or ask for advice on some problem. This will stress on the definition of "friendship" - be there for each other - and move the focus off the issue you are trying to put behind.
  • Make sure that you know whether or not your friend actually wants to be friends. If they do not then you have to take the hint and leave them alone. If you don't it will just make them dislike you even more, because you are doing it on purpose. Don't be like that, nobody likes it when people can't take a hint.
  • Remember to maintain continuing contact with your friend. Sending a Christmas card each year could be a nice gesture.

Warnings

  • Saving your friendship should never come at unbearable cost like your and the other person's health and morale or those of the people you two care about. Do not make or yield to such demands.

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