Deal With Being Rejected by Your Parent

Rejection is terrible, no matter who is rejecting whom. When rejection comes from a parent, it is a doubly bitter pill - these are the people who gave you life, and on whom you have depended all your life. Yet, there are times when you cannot deny that you feel rejected by one or both parents, for any and all sorts of reasons. This article, although it may not be the ultimate answer to your problems, may help a bit or give some comfort.

Steps

  1. Find the root cause of the problem, then solve it. The best thing you need to do is approach your parent and respectfully clarify the issue. Most of the time it's not what you say, but how you say it that matters more. You have to have the courage, the right words and the self- control to not be too emotional. Tell your parent the following: I feel like you resent/reject me (cite some instances when you felt this way), I want to know if I am right about it. If so, then I want to know why you behave that way towards me. What can we do together to make things better for us? The key here is openness, respect and self-control, otherwise this conversation will turn into an ugly, fiery argument. When a parent rejects a child, it's usually a combination of reasons that causes it. Most parents, even if they are controlling, dominating, or rejecting, actually do love their children. Even if you feel that's not true of your parents, and you feel completely unloved by one or both, you are a unique and worthwhile person. Your siblings love you, your grandparents love you, your friends love you. Remember that.
  2. Accept Everything the Way It Is that there may be little you can do about it. If your parent(s) have rejected you because you've come out as gay, because they disapprove of your choice of spouse, or because of religious differences, it's unlikely that you're going to be able to change in order to gain their approval and/or acceptance again. In these cases, time is usually the best cure - if you make yourself open to contact, but try not to force it before they are ready, they may come around eventually. Meanwhile, remember that your life is yours alone, and you are free to live it as you see fit, with or without your parents' approval or permission.
  3. Identify favoritism. Sometimes you feel rejected by a parent because that parent seems to favor a sibling. You are compared (usually unfavorably) to your brother or sister, and this hurts. The reality is that we all like some people better than others. While parents are supposed to love their children equally, some just can't be bothered to make an effort to understand a child that is difficult for them to read, or is so different from them personally that they find little in common. If this is the case, try not to view your siblings unfavorably, but instead simply understand that if you are going to be true to yourself, your parent may not ever be as comfortable with you as with your brother or sister. It may hurt now, but later in life, you will cherish your individuality and all that makes you a unique person, and will realize that these traits do not make you undesirable - they only make it harder for you and your parents to connect.
  4. Talk out your feelings. It may have been repeated many times in other sources, but it does help. Talk it out. Talk to your parents and try to root out the problem. Or talk to a sibling or a close relative. If someone is willing to talk, there is always someone willing to listen. Some of the most caring people work at Child Line, or other similar resources. It sounds drastic, but Child Line is there for any child who feels upset. You can remain anonymous and just chat with them for some friendly advice. And if you don't want to actually verbally speak, go on the internet, whether at home or at an internet cafe, and talk to people here at the Discussion Page on this article. There are even folks who are willing to chat with you through wikiHow.
  5. Find somewhere to stay. If you've been kicked out or you don't want to, or dare not stay at home, go to a relative's home or stay with friends if possible. It may not be permanent, but it will get you through for a time.
  6. Find a resolution of whatever kind is possible. Do try to sort it out with your parents. Send them a card, and/or flowers, or just go home and talk it through. Let them have their say and then have yours, but be calm, and don't be afraid to cry - crying can give you a great sense of release. Try to find common ground, and ask them how you and they can be better family to each other.
  7. Try to understand the dynamic from their viewpoint. This does not mean you should excuse this damaging, hurtful attitude. But it may be helpful to you to know that they may not ever really understand that how hurtful their actions are. Some parents truly are hateful, and it's a mystery why they ever had children to begin with - these people are best left alone as soon as you are able. But some parents are rejecting because you will not follow their plans for your life - they make plans for you starting from the time you are in your cradle. They believe that if you will only follow the path they have set out for you, you will avoid all hurts and be "set for life" - prosperous and "perfect." Example: If they wanted you to be a doctor, but you decided to be an artist, they may express their disappointment in their own failure to control and dictate the terms of your life by constantly carping at you about how stupid, disappointing, etc. your choices are, what a failure you are, and the like. Sometimes parents misguidedly feel that this type of censure will "jolt you into reality." They believe that this is "for your own good," and that behaving this way will "help" you to make right choices, and leave behind the supposedly wrong choices you are making. The reality is that you feel like a failure in their eyes, and feel unloved by them.
  8. Accept whatever relationship is possible with them. You may not have many choices until you are an adult - you may just have to try your best to endure until then. But once you are, if you have tried talking with them, and all your efforts to remedy this problem have failed, then accept whatever you can. It is pointless to berate yourself - it's not about you, it's about them. Your job in life is to be the best person you can, to experience life on your terms, and to be a kind, caring and giving friend or family member. Your job is not to try to change them, just as they should stop trying to do to you. These may not be the parents you would have wished for. Nevertheless, these are the parents you have. If you can simply understand that they will not change (just like you), then you can limit your exposure while having as good a relationship with them as possible. If your parents tend to be polite at first, and then descend, after an hour or so, into criticisms, make sure you spend no more than an hour at a time with them. Go to their home, have a drink or a snack or a cup of tea, and then say, "Well, it's been good to see you - I've got to run!" And leave before it turns unpleasant. If you know that the unpleasantness begins sooner, stay away. Call them on the phone, and as soon as criticism or berating begins, say, "Okay, Mom, well, I understand all that, but I really need to get going. See you soon." And hang up. If all contact is extremely difficult and horrible, cut them off altogether and make a new family for yourself out of friends, or another branch of the family. It's all about doing what works for you.
  9. Don't do anything drastic. Do not harm yourself. Self harm is NOT the answer. Do not take your anger out on someone else by harming them.
  10. Release anger or sadness in a productive way. If you're still a minor, consider going to a nearby youth club. Talk to the youth club owners, they'll be able to help you, and while you're at it, have some fun with some kids of your own age. If that doesn't appeal, go to a gym to work the punching bags or run around your school's or a local park's racetrack if you're not a gym member. If you enjoy writing, write your feelings out on paper, but instead of writing in first person write in third, so you refer to yourself as s/he. This takes your mind off of the anger/pain. This can also provide very good release, so write passionately and with all of your heart and soul. When done, release any leftover anger by ripping and tearing it to bits. Or release sadness by burning the paper, and sending the ashes to Heaven on the wind.
  11. Don't be defined by anyone's response to you. If you allow others to decide who you are, you will never be happy. You will always be aiming to please others, rather than yourself. While that may be noble and selfless, the truth is, you need to be true to your own self. If your parents don't get you, that doesn't mean your life is any less valuable or significant. You don't get certain people - they don't stop living because you and they differ on certain things. Same with you - others may have opinions. That's fine - everyone has opinions. Your opinions are just as valid as anyone else's.
  12. Know when to say goodbye. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you come to a point when you realize that your parents will never accept you as you are. Every encounter with them is as painful or worse than the one before, and no progress is being made at all. In these (rare) cases, you have to know when you've done all you can do, and move on with your own life. Cut contact to a minimum, or cut it off altogether. Although it's painful at first, it can be as healthy as cutting out a cancer.
  13. Adopt another family as your own. Many children of unloving parents find themselves having one or two wonderful friends - a great comfort in itself. But when your friend learns that going home for holidays is painful, s/he may invite you to celebrate with his/her family. If this becomes a habit, you may feel more at home with this family than you do your own. While you don't want to encroach upon your friend, many friends will consider you part of their own family, and will welcome you this way - will celebrate your milestones with you, etc. Or you may find that you meet others who have little or no family of their own, and you may form a family-like friendship. This is a wonderful way to cope with this problem.
  14. Have a good life. In spite of your parental units' rejection of you, you can have an excellent, productive, and rewarding life. You are awesome.

Tips

  • Family is where your heart is. If the family you were born with doesn't work, create one that does. Example: you are attending college. Some of your new college classmates or friends are from across the country - or another country. If your family sets your teeth on edge and you've decided to cut ties, why not consider asking your "orphan" friends (those whose families are too far away) to join you for holidays? Make your home an "open house" for Christmas or Thanksgiving, or whatever the holiday is, and invite anyone who is too far from their own family to come and spend the day with you. Even if you get together at the common room of your dorm, it can make the holidays seem much brighter and warmer.
  • You have two chances to have a parent/child relationship: One, where you are the child, and the other, where you are the parent. You can make it all right by being a kind, caring, accepting parent, supportive of your own children.
  • Ultimately, part of being an adult is dealing with relationships of any kind. Do the right thing for yourself. Sometimes the right thing for you right now is sucking it up and being the bigger person. Sometimes its not. Sometimes doing the right thing is removing yourself from a negative situation. Learning how to navigate and deal with people (yes, parents are people) is an acquired skill that comes with lots and lots of practice. Consult your inner self, meditate, pray to whatever you believe in, figure out what is best for you and own your decision.

Warnings

  • Even if you are the perfect son or daughter, your parents may still severe all contact with you. Or you could be thrown out of the house for no reason, even if you have done nothing wrong.Some parents are just like that.
  • Parents like this may never approve of you, may never express pride in you or your accomplishments, may never express their love or affection to you. That does not mean you cannot find this acceptance, pride, or love elsewhere - and you should do so, by all means. Being the product of cold, critical, or controlling people does not make you so. Take a glad heart into those other relationships with people who will cherish the real and true you, and don't waste your efforts or your tears on those who will not respond to your efforts to make a good relationship out of a bad one.
  • Some of the information in this article is dependent on being able to speak with your parents in a calm manner, and that they will listen and also be respectful to you. Sometimes this does not happen. If this is the case, either retreat and speak about the topic later, or learn to recognize when a parent for their own reasons isn't able to participate in a normal parental relationship. People with severe personality disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses are unlikely to participate, and this could leave the adult child feeling bereft.
  • If you are cut off from your parents do not keep going around to their house again and again. As they can call the police and the police can just remove you from the house. You can visit your parents once to try to talk to them. But if, however, they do not respond or refuse to open the front door to you or take your phone calls it is best to leave it and try again at a later time.
  • Bear in mind that a professional person, such as your family doctor or social worker or even a priest of your local church, is not allowed to talk to your parents on your behalf, unless your parents get in touch with them themselves.This may seem unfair and does not make a lot of sense,as these people may know you well. And the rules regarding this need changing. But that's the way it is. But a friend or another relative is allowed to talk to your parents on your behalf.
  • If you are over 16 in England and over 18 in the US,your parents have no legal obligation to support you or care for you. And they can choose to cut you off without any contact. As if you are over 16(in the UK) or over 18(in the US) you are classed as an adult by law. And so you are now responsible for yourself.
  • Do not harm yourself or anyone else! It won't help you, if anything, it'll make things worse!

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